Mama diary: pg. 49

This is my reality now.

I am angry with myself that it's true.

I am angry with myself that I have every ounce of happiness inside me and yet these tears can come and go when they please. 

The ugly anxiety monster brings me so much fear and torments every aspect of my life.

A simple trip to Target can't escape that ugly monster. 

I was so happy to go to buy Victoria her Luau themed outfit for her big sister's Sweet 16! She was asleep the whole time and daddy was wheeling her around in the cart, while I browsed through the aisle of cuteness! 

From one moment to the next I lose sight of them and instantly engage in every symptom available before I hit total break down. 

My eye sight gets blurred.

My head pounds.

The air in my chest doesn't seem to be enough for me to breathe correctly and I start to hyperventilate ... I wish I could beam up over all the people and all these ridiculous aisles so I can spot my baby and her daddy.

Until I hear her scream.

Not an "I'm being kidnapped, come save me" scream!

It's her "I love you daddy" scream!

My husband immediately catches my gaze and knows instantly what was running through my mind. What felt like forever without them was actually only 2 minutes and he was no more than 5 feet away...Showing Victoria Spot the Bull Terrier that was in the boy section. He bear hugs me and I shake my head. It's not enough. I need to leave.

So we leave. I am practically sprinting to the car now ... And he unlocks it from behind me. My entire body is in a sweat and if I wasn't practically running, I would swear that I had no legs, they were numb to me.

I reach my car, get inside and lose my shit!!! And I do with very loud wails and a ridiculous amount of tears.. So many my top gets wet as I wipe them.

My husband stands outside the car entertaining Victoria, so that she doesn't see mommy (God bless Him for that)!

big ugly anxiety monster - 1

Mommy - 0

Mommy diary: pg. 48

First time for everything.

Hi baby girl!

I knew this year would be filled with firsts.. Just didn't think I would experience this one at all! You cried yourself to sleep tonight. That sounds so cruel, but you did cause mama had no choice, but to let you.

Your dad and I drove separate cars today and I followed him home from Fowler to Kerman (a good 40 minutes).

You started crying as soon as we reached the freeway and I tried everything. I did some singing and I did some shoooshing and I reached back to touch you, which seemed to make your screams louder. I tried to grab your hand a few times only to have you pull your little hand away. 

You are only 5 1/2 months old, so I doubt you purposely yanked your hand away, but it sure felt like it. Haha.

When you calmed down a bit, I reached back to hold your hand and this time you let me. You stopped crying with only about 7 minutes left of our drive. 

It was then that I cried, for that last 7 minutes I cried as I held your hand. 

I'm sorry I had to let you cry it out until you fell asleep. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I'm sure mama will be crying with you. 

Mama loves you Victoria Elizabeth. 

Mommy diary: pg. 47

Victoria, 

You spend your days with daddy.

From the moment you wake up, you smile at him with this look of just pure love. You adore him and it's comforting to me to know that I leave you in his care and you are okay. Of course you would be, he is such a great dad. 

Mama misses you terribly when she is away and her days feel long and the nights I spend with you feel so short,

But I wouldn't trade them for anything. I go to bed early so we can have this time together. You lay next to me with your hand on my cheek and I can hear you breathing. I place my face up against yours to breathe you in, I love the way you smell. I can be here, in this place, at your side, forever. 

And I plan to be.

Mommy diary: pg 46

I haven't blogged since October of last year and although I have so much to say, this post won't be an update post. I have something weighing heavy and I just need to get it out. 

I'm not perfect.

It seems like such a cruel joke to have so much joy in my life and then again I struggle to enjoy it. I'm covered in this blanket of uncertainty. My lack of control scares me, but the fact that I am aware makes me a winner already.

 I am stronger for that. 

One thing for sure....

I am not alone. 

I'll never be alone.

I can't be alone. 

Mommy diary: pg 45

Wk: 26

I am starting to see the strain that this pregnancy is putting on my heart. 

My blood circulation is terrible and these dizzy spells are no joke. Those were symptoms I expected with a pregnancy, but I was hoping my heart episodes would stay at bay. They drain the energy out of me. I welcomed my first set of episodes this morning. It's never fun when they come as a set. 

Keep me in prayer, this mama is exhausted. 

Mommy diary: pg 44

It's always a time of reflection when I have to make spontaneous visits to my doctor or ER due to something just not feeling right. I am fortunate enough to have a great team of doctors who understand why I have these anxieties and give the anxiety its attention - sometimes my worries are due to just anxiety and other times it's cause something is really wrong. I believe the rest of this journey will be filled with its joys and the handful of worries. I'm sure every pregnant lady has all of them at one point, but mothers who have experienced loss can surely relate that because we know that pain of loss and because it still hurts as much as it did on day one - it is very easy for us to worry about history repeating itself. I've already made it way past my last two pregnancies - those were considered early losses in the first trimester.

So of course I am thinking of my first Angel baby, Isabella Rae, who, if she had lived would be getting ready to celebrate her very first birthday!! I can think of these things now and feel happiness, it's no longer filled with sadness and tears all the time. 

Having another baby girl on the way, surely has made our lives happier and life a lot better! It hasn't however, made our losses any better. Not sure time or a growing family will ever change that.

Mommy diary: pg 43

Friday's mark the end of a pregnancy week for us and our Friday morning routine is spent with prayer and conversation with our little one. We take the time to use our fetal doppler to hear her heartbeat and talk about all things Victoria ( well that is a daily thing). We research what is NEW with the baby this week and what to expect in our next week. It sets the tone for the weekend and gives mama a sense of peace because the weekend always seems so long to me especially because I don't have complete access to my personal dr. like I would on a weekday. All has been well with baby and her growth this far, my body is the one acting crazy, but taking rest has been a huge part and I am just thankful that I have the husband that I do. Even with the craziness of his work schedule and the sleepless nights I give him...he still manages to care for me and give me the emotional support I need. I know he struggles too with this new journey and the balancing of grief and joy, but we have each other and on my weakest days he is my rock as I am his on his weakest days.