Mommy Diary: Pg.1

I am a person with faith.  My life has always been a rollercoaster and without my faith, I would probably be lost.  When a person is filled with faith, it is said that there is no room for fear.  I use to believe that wholeheartedly, until recently. 

I married my high school sweetheart. We dated for ten years, YES I KNOW forever, but we are finally married  and will celebrate our two years in October. 

Finding the man to marry - check, marrying him - check.....what comes next?  Starting a family is what comes next in our book.  In the ten years of dating, we shared several conversations about our desires for a family; how many children? what will their names be? 

So here we are about to hit two years of really, really trying to start our little family....and we have hit a road block.  Now, I wasn't sure about going the route of KNOWING why we have been unable to conceive because my faith tells me that if it's God's will, it will come on his time.... but a few mths ago, I made the choice to check myself out.  Preliminary results show that we will indeed have some setbacks.  I have been sitting on this for almost two months, I still have tests to do and choices to make.  Meanwhile, he and I are having a whirlwind of a life because there is always someone with bigger problems than ourselves.  My husbands mind has been overwhelmed with his father's illness and my heart is still grieving the death of my grandma, but when I am alone with my thoughts...and when I can no longer cry, I have this lump in my throat, this fear in my heart and a cloud of doubt on my mind. 

Does it make me a hypocrite to have this fear inside me even though I am a woman of faith! The daughter of a wonderful, loving King.  I cant help, but wonder and yet I cannot get myself to move onto the next step in this process of starting our little family.

-Always Faithful

I dreamt about you last night. I can't begin to explain how happy that made me.  I woke up and it was still night, I tried desperately to go back to sleep and prayed I would fall right back into the same dream.  I wanted to see you again, ask you questions, talk with you some more.  I didn't fall back asleep. So instead I stayed awake and I replayed the dream over and over again. I wanted to make sure I would remember it the next morning.  I replayed bit by bit and took in every detail possible.  This morning, my first instinct was to tell my mother that you visited me last night and my next instinct was to take her with me to visit you.  Thank you for my gift, thank you for touching my heart, thank you for still being with me.  I love you!

Light at the end of my tunnel...

Is there a light at the end of a tunnel? 

If there is. I must be walking through a very long tunnel. Maybe I should start running? Maybe I should stop and ask for directions? Maybe I should take a few steps back and evaluate my direction? 

No. It's either forward or backwards! But who wants to go back? I surely don't. Will going back change the outcomes? Probably not. No, I'm sure it won't. So I move forward. 

I wish I could see a slight glimpse of light, at least that would give me a glimmer of hope that there in fact, is light at the end of this tunnel. 

I'm not walking blindly, I have faith that I'll get there. Faith is about all I've got actually. So I'll continue to walk through this tunnel, maybe I'll even run, but if I see a small glimpse of light I will definitely run towards it!! 

So if I'm running now, will I get to the light at the end of the tunnel, faster? What if I run too fast and miss things along the way? I'm not sure i want to risk that. So, is there a light at the end of this tunnel? I sure hope so.