Mommy Diary: Pg.2

Quick Background:  At age 14, and after several trips to the ER from spontaneous black outs, doctor's discovered that my heart wasn't wired too well. Apparently I was born with a heart that essentially had wiring problems.  This extra nerve in my heart that could cause my whole  nervous system to whack out and cause my body to go into a state of shock, uncontrollable heart rate paired with sharp pains in my chest, shortness of breath and eventually a black out, would be the cause of many issues for me.

I had my first procedure to correct the problem in high school, it froze the nerve, but we later found out that it would be 3-5 years before I would need another corrective procedure.  Now, this heart issue, gave me lots of discomfort, but when I am in control it didn't hinder me from living my life.  That was until my last procedure, where the doctor's failed to correct it and claimed they could not find the nerve.....it disappeared? how? IMPOSSIBLE! So at 23, I was told "while you are not experiencing any symptoms, consider starting your family".  Well guess what? I was nowhere near ready to be a parent yet.  Although, I was with the man I knew I was going to marry ( I DID) we were not ready!! So I learned strategies to control my condition, alternate ways to get pass my episodes and avoid black outs. 

I am now 1 mth away from 28...and family planning is in full swing, despite some obstacles in that department....but of course it could never be that easy...welcome back into my life heart episodes!!! Back to my cardiologist I go, back to my medication regimen I go, back to carrying halter heart monitors, back to sticky patches that itch and hurt when I pull them off, back to being extra cautious and always keeping my bag with my alcohol wipes (to prevent the black outs) and brown paper baggies (to help pace my breathing). 

Once again, family planning is on hold.... and the timing couldn't be worse!

Mommy Diary: Pg.1

I am a person with faith.  My life has always been a rollercoaster and without my faith, I would probably be lost.  When a person is filled with faith, it is said that there is no room for fear.  I use to believe that wholeheartedly, until recently. 

I married my high school sweetheart. We dated for ten years, YES I KNOW forever, but we are finally married  and will celebrate our two years in October. 

Finding the man to marry - check, marrying him - check.....what comes next?  Starting a family is what comes next in our book.  In the ten years of dating, we shared several conversations about our desires for a family; how many children? what will their names be? 

So here we are about to hit two years of really, really trying to start our little family....and we have hit a road block.  Now, I wasn't sure about going the route of KNOWING why we have been unable to conceive because my faith tells me that if it's God's will, it will come on his time.... but a few mths ago, I made the choice to check myself out.  Preliminary results show that we will indeed have some setbacks.  I have been sitting on this for almost two months, I still have tests to do and choices to make.  Meanwhile, he and I are having a whirlwind of a life because there is always someone with bigger problems than ourselves.  My husbands mind has been overwhelmed with his father's illness and my heart is still grieving the death of my grandma, but when I am alone with my thoughts...and when I can no longer cry, I have this lump in my throat, this fear in my heart and a cloud of doubt on my mind. 

Does it make me a hypocrite to have this fear inside me even though I am a woman of faith! The daughter of a wonderful, loving King.  I cant help, but wonder and yet I cannot get myself to move onto the next step in this process of starting our little family.

-Always Faithful

I dreamt about you last night. I can't begin to explain how happy that made me.  I woke up and it was still night, I tried desperately to go back to sleep and prayed I would fall right back into the same dream.  I wanted to see you again, ask you questions, talk with you some more.  I didn't fall back asleep. So instead I stayed awake and I replayed the dream over and over again. I wanted to make sure I would remember it the next morning.  I replayed bit by bit and took in every detail possible.  This morning, my first instinct was to tell my mother that you visited me last night and my next instinct was to take her with me to visit you.  Thank you for my gift, thank you for touching my heart, thank you for still being with me.  I love you!

Light at the end of my tunnel...

Is there a light at the end of a tunnel? 

If there is. I must be walking through a very long tunnel. Maybe I should start running? Maybe I should stop and ask for directions? Maybe I should take a few steps back and evaluate my direction? 

No. It's either forward or backwards! But who wants to go back? I surely don't. Will going back change the outcomes? Probably not. No, I'm sure it won't. So I move forward. 

I wish I could see a slight glimpse of light, at least that would give me a glimmer of hope that there in fact, is light at the end of this tunnel. 

I'm not walking blindly, I have faith that I'll get there. Faith is about all I've got actually. So I'll continue to walk through this tunnel, maybe I'll even run, but if I see a small glimpse of light I will definitely run towards it!! 

So if I'm running now, will I get to the light at the end of the tunnel, faster? What if I run too fast and miss things along the way? I'm not sure i want to risk that. So, is there a light at the end of this tunnel? I sure hope so. 

Rollercoasters

As a young girl, I loved roller coasters... The excitement of waiting in line... The few moments of fear right when I reached the top. Being next in line was the best, I could hear the screams of the previous riders. I always waited the extra 30mins to an hour just to be the rider in the front of the coaster. I loved that feeling in the pit of my stomach as I was strapped in and just waited for the coaster to take its first move. The ride would be over before I knew it and I would gladly make my way to the next line and wait for the excitement of another roller coaster. 

Here is the irony: my life is a roller coaster. I have fear, stress, anxiety, excitement, relief and happiness. Sometimes I feel like I get off one really long roller coaster, just to wait in line for the next. 

Waiting in line. That's where I am right now. My life the last few years can be summed up in a few words, job loss, homeless, cancer, caregiver, heartache, anxiety, Financial crisis, depression and very recently death. However, this death was peaceful, it opened up doors, my eyes and its bringing me opportunities. All because one person had faith in me. 

Now remember when I said I was waiting in line again. . . I am. Just about to board another coaster, but this time I won't be alone. I'm actually boarding this roller coaster as support. To hold his hand through his very own heartache and to be his rock as he deals with what's to come. I never have the words to say to him. Even with my experience and with my faith, I can't find the words to comfort him. I'm praying these words come fast because we are next to board....and that fear I feel right before I board a ride is coming and I know that feeling in the pit of my stomach won't be from excitement....this time. 

Rewind...

It's been two months since my last post and today's post was the Eulogy I wrote for my grandma's funeral.  I am in a place of peace.  I owe it to the fact that I have no regrets.  I spent the time with her.  I listened to her. Along with my family, we all helped care for her when she got ill.  Speaking only for myself, I am happy because I know she is happy . . . my tears will come when i miss her.  I still catch myself wanting to ask "where's grandma?"  "how is grandma?"  Visiting her home and expecting to still see her is the hardest truth to swallow when I know she isn't coming home.  Time will heal all of these feelings.  She was my constant, she was my daily routine, and it will take time for that to change and for my life to be distracting enough for me to not miss her absence.  My heart still pains and my mind hasn't caught up with reality.  When it does, won't be soon enough.  

I miss her. 

My grandmas services were beautiful! It was amazing to see the church fill up Monday night for her rosary and Tuesday morning for her mass. She was very loved. Thank you all for the support and prayers, especially our friends and family who traveled to share this time with us. We are so blessed to have you in our lives! Tomorrow is a new day and tonight I can rest knowing I've gained one more angel in heaven to protect and guide me. Te amo, mi reina!

“Ni Siquiera la distancia cambiara los momentos compartidos a tu lado. Sencillamente eres irremplazable”

Romans 14:8 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.

It feels like just yesterday I was standing here in this church and at this podium, sharing a letter I wrote to my Papa Marcos.  I was fortunate enough to have been raised in the same household as my grandparents and blessed to have them as Godparents as well.  I was fortunate enough to have been able to spend so much time at her side and to share many moments together.  Her wisdom and experiences are something I will carry with me always.  Her love is something I will have with me every day and she will be truly missed.

I am proud to say that the Cardenas Family is a beautiful example of Unity, love and respect and it is because of our grandparents.  Mama Mago was the Queen of our family.  She was a strong woman who raised five boys and two girls to be amazing people who have always shown each other nothing but love and have instilled those same values in us, their children.  I know my cousins will agree with me when I say we are so lucky to be a part of such an amazing family.  Mama Mago held us together and taught us about unity, love and respect and we are all better people because of her.

I carry a lot of her in me; her name, her selflessness, generosity, her courage and my poor husband can attest that I am as stubborn as they come, a beautiful trait I know she shared as well……but The greatest gift Mama Mago gave me was my faith.  My love for God and relationship with HIM was strengthened through her prayers and her involvement in the church.  She taught me so much about prayer and how beautiful a relationship with God could be.  Last year, my husband’s family experienced a difficult time due to an illness to a family member and Mama Mago gave me the strength I needed to be able to support my husband and through prayer and Faith we overcame it all.  Mama Mago was a big part of reminding me to keep my faith in God, she was my rock. 

This same faith she instilled in me, is what has brought so much peace to me in these past few days.  I trust with all my heart that she is so happy right now.  She has been reunited with her son, Jerry, her husband, Marcos and so many of our family members who are celebrating that they are together in a place we all wish to be one day.  Yes, there will be tears when we think of her; Yes, we will feel that pain of her absence in the holidays to come, but we must find that peace in knowing that she isn’t experiencing any discomfort in Heaven.  I say a prayer now for each and every one of us to find that peace and begin the healing process.  Very soon those tears will become smiles, when we think of her and instead of missing her during the holidays we will all gather and share memories of her with joy and laughter.  I pray, we honor her and continue to live our lives with unity, love and respect. 

Today, on such a special day, we celebrate Mama Mago's Life

“Ni Siquiera la distancia cambiara los momentos compartidos a tu lado. Sencillamente eres irremplazable”

Romanos 14:8 Pues si vivimos, para el Señor vivimos, y si morimos, para el Señor morimos. Por tanto, ya sea que vivamos o que muramos, del Señor somos.

Parece que fue ayer cuando estuve en ésta Iglesia frente a éste podio, compartiendo unas palabras que le escribí a mi Papá Marcos. Tuve la fortuna de haber sido criada en la casa de mis abuelitos y bendecida de haber sido su nieta. Me siento afortunada de haber podido pasar tanto tiempo a su lado y de compartir juntos momentos tan especiales. La sabiduría de Mamá Mago y sus experiencias son algo que llevaré dentro de mí por siempre. Como extrañaré su infinito amor y su presencia.

Estoy orgullosa de decir que nuestra familia Cárdenas-Tamayo es un hermoso ejemplo de unidad, amor y respeto y todo se lo debemos a nuestros abuelitos. Mamá Mago fue y es la Reyna de nuestra familia. Una mujer fuerte que crió a cinco hombres y dos mujeres a ser personas de bien que se inspiran amor y que en su momento han inculcado lo mismo a nosotros, sus nietos. Ella fue la fuerza que nos mantiene unidos mostrando amor y respeto mutuo. Tratamos de ser buenas personas, gracias a ella. Estoy segura que mis primos estarán de acuerdo con esto.

En mí, ella se refleja; su nombre, su  generosidad, su humildad, su fuerza de coraje y testaruda (mi pobre esposo es testigo de ello), estos son hermosos atributos. Pero, el regalo más hermoso que me dio, es mi Fé. Mi relación con Dios se ha fortalecido a través de sus oraciones y su devoción a la Iglesia. Me enseñó acerca de la fuerza de la oración y de estar cerca de Dios. El año pasado, la familia de mi esposo pasó por tiempo muy difícil debido a una enfermedad grave de un miembro de la familia, mi Mamá Mago me dio la fuerza que necesitaba para poder apoyar a mi esposo con ayuda de oración y Fé. Me recordó que continuara creyendo en Dios. Ella es mi roca.

La misma Fé que ella me inspiró, es lo que me ha dado paz en estos días. Creo con todo mi corazón, que ella se encuentra feliz. Ella se ha reunido con su hijo Gerardo, su esposo Marcos y muchos miembros de su familia que se regocijan en verla de nuevo en un lugar especial en que todos nosotros deseamos algún llegar. Cierto, habrán lágrimas cuando pensemos en ella; cierto, nos dolerá su ausencia durante los días de fiesta que vendrán, pero encontraremos consuelo sabiendo que está en lugar hermoso, el Cielo. Mi oración es que encontremos la paz para empezar con el proceso de alivio y consuelo. Muy pronto, nuestras lágrimas se convertirán en sonrisas cuando pensemos en ella y durante nuestras reuniones, vamos a compartir todas esas memorias de su gozo y risas. Querida familia, continuemos viviendo con unidad, amor y respeto.

Hoy, un día tan especial, celebramos la VIDA de Mamá Mago.

  “Ni Siquiera la distancia cambiara los momentos compartidos a tu lado. Sencillamente eres irremplazable”