Mommy diary: pg 30

I come here more often now. 

It's always the same.

Peaceful. Quiet. Birds chirping. Breeze running through the trees, making the leaves shake. 

I don't like it here.

Sometimes I want to dig you up and take you with me. 

Sounds crazy, huh.

I can sit here for so long and just imagine my life with you. Your first Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas. 

Christmas......I have 3mth onesies hanging in the closet still. Two of them. 

Then I imagine, years down the road, you running into my arms, calling me "mommy".

Missing you isn't even the word. 

You are a missing piece of me. 

You are missing from my life.

My life will never be the same.

I will never be the same. 

Infant and pregnancy loss awareness

A tiny pink stone. So small that it fits in my hand. I placed it in my pocket and all day I found myself squeezing it between my fingers. Daddy gifted it to me just yesterday and he said I should keep a piece of him with me all day long, but today I had you girls on my mind and strangely, that little pink stone brought me so much comfort. I felt you with me. After all, you were a piece of him and a piece of me, wrapped up in your little beings. 

I miss you every day. As I'm sure I will miss u forever. 

I wish I could have given you my warmth.

I wish I could have smothered you with kisses.

I wish daddy could have rocked you while singing you to sleep. 

I pray to God that you both know how much you were wanted, how much you are loved and how much you are missed.

My continuous burning candle, I hope it shines bright tonight for you girls and all of the angel babies.  I learned about this day a year or two ago. A classmate of mine, had suffered a loss and via social media, I became aware of this Remembrance Day. I lit a candle that year for her son. 

Never in my life could I imagine that fast forward a few years and here I am lighting a candle for not one, but two angel babies. 

 

Mama loves you 😘

Mommy diary: pg 29

When I show up "on time" to his work for pick up and he already has the door open for me, usually means he is working OT and I have to wait in the office, where it's always nice and cool and his manager is such a nice person, I don't mind it all. 

Except for today. 

I walk in, put my things down and I hear something - I can't say it's a familiar sound because "am I really hearing baby coos in his office?"

 I walk out into the hallway and in his managers office is a small baby, tiny little thing. I rush by and head for the bathroom, where I try to collect myself. I'm fine. I'm okay. Just walk back to the main office where you always wait and make small talk, a quick hello, so I'm not labeled rude, but don't make contact with baby, or you will surely lose it. 

So I have my head straight and I step out of the bathroom, pick up my head and walk forward, then mom (I'm assuming she's mom) is now in my path way holding said baby. Wow, this will be awkward. We stop, say hello and just as I get the courage to acknowledge the baby, I reach out towards his little chubby hands and as I'm about to grab and caress his hand, mom takes a step to the side, making his hand out of reach for me, not thinking, I try once more and almost intentionally now, she moves to another side and my hand misses his hand again. This time I take the hint and in the same breath that it takes for me to say goodbye, I'm already heading back to the main office, not looking back to give the baby one more glance. 

Not sure if I am imagining her not allowing me to make physical contact with her child- she doesn't know me personally, but isn't it normal for people to acknowledge babies with a touch. I'm not sure anymore. I've spent so much time avoiding babies all together. 

Maybe there is this great big flashing sign on my forehead that reads "danger: can't carry own children to term, proceed with caution!"

Vent over. Can't wait to be home, in my bubble, where nobody judges me or at least I won't feel like anyone is judging me. 

I win!

Earlier this evening I trimmed and filed my natural nails down because the length was getting long. I don't think I have ever done that in my life. Nail biting has been such an ugly habit of mine. It's crazy to think that in the midst of the toughest battles with anxiety, depression and full on chaos that has been my life the last few months - I have control of this one thing. This may seem trivial to many of you, but it's a huge triumph for me, because in January, I suffered one of the biggest betrayals of my life and it's taken me so long to forgive myself. I'm a work in a progress and just like stepping off a scale for a person struggling with weight loss, can be a victory, trimming down my natural nails is a victory in itself for me. Self control, self motivation, 1 win for me and 1 loss for this body of mine (you two faced bitch). I hate myself on most days, but today..... I'm a winner. 

Mommy diary: pg 28

My dearest Isabella:

Today, I should have spent countless hours awaiting your arrival! The first sounds should have been that cry of yours!

God had other plans for you, but that doesn't take away from the pain that still lingers. I miss you! I think I'll always miss you. Thank you for showing me love. I've learned this very different type of love and only you could have impacted my life in such a way to show me it. The unconditional love, the love that grows with every passing day. The type of love that needs no memory because you were mine all along and I am yours forever.

I make no excuses for my grieving of your absence and I no longer care to remember who I was before I lost you. To be honest, the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was a changed woman. 

A mommy changes with a child and just because I don't have you here in my arms that doesn't take away from the fact that I changed too! I'll never be the person I was before you, but I hope to get pass the bumps and be a better me!! I owe this all to you. 

You would have loved your family! Mama started to receive birthday messages for you very early this morning. They all made sure to join in on the birthday celebration for you. Near or far, you were thought of by many.  

 Your grandpa had some beautiful words for you, I hope it made you feel extra special!!! 

Enjoy your birthday with all of our family members in heaven! Love you Isabella Rae!!

 

Daddy + Mama 8.30.14

Mommy Diary: pg. 27

Difficult Days for Miscarriage Survivors:


1. The Due Date.  The days up to this day are also difficult, but on the actual day, I imagine it being the hardest.  I am currently in the days leading up to  my due date (8.30) I can't imagine how difficult that day will be.  I am praying that I have the support I need and that I survive this day, like I have survived every day after my loss(es).

2. The Anniversary of Loss.  (1.23.14 + 6.19.14)   On these days, I imagine myself reliving every moment leading up to my miscarriage(s).  The trauma of passing both babies at home, naturally, the grueling recovery time and the symptoms and emotional trauma that lasted for months and to be honest hasn't subsided much since. 



3. Mother’s Day. Every Mother's day from here on out will mean something different.  I pray that one day, I will be celebrated by my husband and my living children. Meanwhile, I celebrate with my angel babies and my wonderful supportive husband, who did his very best to comfort me this year.  To the many friends and family members who sent me a greeting this year,  I hope you know how much that meant to me because you not only remembered me, but you remembered my babies! Its nice to know that I am not the only one who thinks of my angel babies.  I am a mommy!!


4. October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.   It's quite comforting to know that I am not alone in this group that no mother wishes to be a part of. I recently learned of this date this year and come October, one more important date will be added to my October calendar, along with wedding anniversary and our favorite time of the year.


5. The Day You Find Out You’re Pregnant Again. I didn't expect to have this date so soon after my first loss, but the day I found out I was pregnant, just three short months after we lost Isabella, was also the same day I found out that we were miscarrying again.  Too short of a time to feel anything at all, except hopelessness.  Now, I imagine, that on the day we find out that we are expecting again, I will experience every emotion ranging from fear to pure  joy.  


6. The Day (or often days) You Hear about the Pregnancies of Others. This is getting easier, but as long as it isn't too close to home, I can deal.  Seeing babies, especially newborns, who are about the same age my Isabella would be, is and I think always will be difficult. 


7. Other Holidays that Might Remind Us of Our Loss.  Every and any holiday, but only time will tell when I'll be able to attend gatherings.  


Losing a child changes us.  Not just for the first few days, or weeks or months.

Losing a child changes us, not just for the first year, but for life. 

I'm drowning and you are standing three feet away, yelling "learn how to swim!"

I just had this rare, but much appreciated conversation with my priest about life.  The topic of Robin Williams death was brought up. I had to explain to him a little about depression and the apparent suspected suicide. He seemed at first to ask questions like "why?" and "depressed for what?"  very innocent like questions.  I never thought I would have to break down a brief description of depression to a man of GOD. As I reflect now, I can justify the why. He is a man of God and if people have God in their lives, they are happy and that is enough.   God puts us first in all situations, why wouldn't we put HIM at the forefront of our lives, to fight our battles and to shield us from pain and harm.  I am not naive to the fact that pain and hurt are a part of our lives, but I find comfort in knowing I do not fight my battles alone, EVER!

Well, maybe sometimes.....

Yesterday, was a tough day for me, personally. As I have been in a battle myself and I struggle with giving God the reigns and then initiate a game of tug-of-war with HIM to try and tackle life by myself.  I can find myself in the deepest of mental breakdowns and let me not sugar coat this for any of you, I AM LIVING WITH DEPRESSION.  It's an ugly monster who spears it's head in and out of my daily tasks.  I know what it's like to cry in the shower so that no one hears me, to wait until my husband falls asleep before I fall apart. To avoid any and all situations where a possible trigger can occur.  Keeping my family at bay and putting on a smile to not make anyone feel uncomfortable, cause the once -cheery, bring-my-own-sunshine, bubbly, free-spirited girl, now carries a rain cloud around and doesn't even bother to use an umbrella, cause oh you know, lightning might strike and that would be on a good day. 

I, honestly, don't remember what it's like to not feel broken.

As I had this conversation with my priest, and I am spewing out all this information regarding: depression, anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns....somewhere deep in my brain I also wonder, why he hasn't asked me the one question  that will send me for a loop "why are you so informed on this topic?" My reaction would show my weakness and let him know, that I am so informed about this topic, because it is very simple.....yet not so simple at all...... I am a victim.  This very thought of exposing myself, in my workplace, scares me to the core and I quickly change the subject, offer up prayers to Robin Williams and his family and suggest that an excerpt regarding depression and suicide be arranged into this week's homily.  Then I quickly excuse myself and exit to my office, where I can break down behind closed doors and hide out until lunch time.

 D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N

Most people know the what and the why? they just don't know the how? 

How to move forward, how to smile again.

Close your mouth, because unfortunately, unless you have been in their situation, you do not know the right words to say and more times than not, your words will hurt and cause more harm than good. So extend your hand to help, extend your ear and listen. If you know someone who is depressed and you're worried about them, REACH OUT! Don't just assume it'll go away. Depression is a life crippling monster, that affects anyone! It does not discriminate! Whether or not you understand why someone has depression, that does not matter because they may not understand it either.....what matters is you trying to help! Don't ignore it.

I didn't much care that my news feed  on social media sites filled up with praises and remembrances for this man, an actor, somebody none of us know in person, but yet he touched millions of lives through his films, his comedy, his generosity and love of life.  Love of life! I say this with no disrespect, but how ironic.  

Robin William's will always be remembered for the good and the great man that he was, but it is my hope, that his death will also hold some meaning and help raise awareness. Nobody is immune to that ugly disease, not the strong, not the faithful and surely not the ones who have it all.  

I hope you find the peace you so desperately needed.

Rest in paradise Robin Williams