Mommy diary: pg 36

Now

If I have to define this place in time, the best word I can think of is LIVING.

I am living with a missing piece of me.

I am living with a loss.

I am living with this grief.

I am living with my emptiness.

I am living with my sadness.

I am living a life that I would have given for them, my babies, my angels.

And for that, I also live with LOVE.

Because I know death.

It's touched my family one too many times in such a short while. Death is inevitable - this we all know. 

It doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make it easy to forget.

So because I remember it and live it, I also love harder and love deeper.

Sure,  my fear lingers and sometimes I act irrational, but I am a better person for it. 

I will never be the same person I was before these precious babies made me their mama. I will never ever ever be the same.

So this is me, now! Irrevocably changed and trying to LIVE! Just LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH sometimes! #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart

Mommy diary: pg 35

My husband's work schedule recently changed. We just did the first full week. He leaves to work while I am already working and gets home when I've already been sleeping for a while. His only days off are mon and tues. This isn't the first time he has had this similar schedule, but for some reason i am taking this very hard. I won't be seeing him or be able to spend much quality time with him now. Forget TTC, this schedule makes us both exhausted from the crazy hours and the fact that i now have the added stress of his long driving routes. I wouldn't ever complain to him, just needed to put it out there. I woke up feeling a certain kind of way today and I can't shake it. Probably having to do with the fact that I am also attending church without him. Even as I write this, I know this isn't even the real issue. I've been holding back a lot lately. Maybe because I'm tired of the tears or I'm tired of the constant nagging from family members about me skipping the holidays. Sometimes I want to scream at them, just plain lose it so they can see "wow she really is crazy" I was pregnant this time last year, did they forget.?! Yah, everyone forgot about her, only the mother grieves the child they never got to hold. If I could hold my breath and wake up in February it may be easier. My brain is clouded with what if's and it's making me feel like a big fat failure.  Time to go to church, a place that use to bring me peace and now I just think I come because it's the thing I usually do on Sunday's and anything remotely close to normal I need to hold onto for my sanity. Today I feel like a hypocrite cause I am so upset and pointing fingers to the heavens. How much more hurt am I going to have to put up with? Why does this even hurt this much?    -Isabella Rae's mommy 👼1.23.14

Looking for my ray of sunshine

I started 2014 on cloud 9. 

The joy I felt can't be described in any amount of words I put down in this blog. 

I was just happy. Pure happiness. Filled with hope and dreams for what my year would be. 

Four weeks into the year, I had everything ripped away from me. I still had my life, but it was empty. Losing our first baby was a pain I never knew I would have to feel. I sometimes wonder if I would rather still be in that "can I even get pregnant phase" that I was stuck in for three years. This pain I was feeling was one I wouldn't wish on any woman. A pain I didn't want to ever feel again. Just a few short months later that same pain returned. Losing the second baby didn't hurt me as it should have. I was still so numb and now I would be numb all over again. 

I lived my days just to get through them. I have no idea how I managed, because there were days I just couldn't get out of bed. Living far from everyone else made it easy to hibernate. Nobody can hear the cracking in your voice via text message or see the puffiness that has taken over your eyes from the non stop tears. 

When summer ended, I went back to work. A place I could actually genuinely smile. The kids I work with, bring me that warmth that I needed to feel like a person. 

All summer I spent feeling like a failure, but in that classroom I am important and I am someone that they can count on. No room for failure there. They will never know how much their greeting every morning or farewells at the end of the day mean to me. 

I am still a mother who loves her angel babies with everything I have. I am still a mother who grieves for them as well. 

I am still a woman who wants to give birth to a child and take that child home. 

I wanted so badly to have a ray of sunshine before the year ended. It would have definitely made these holidays a lot easier. Instead I hibernated and avoided any possible triggers. I miss being around my family, but taking care of me was a priority. The walls of my room were witness to the screams of this grieving mother and the arms of my husband held me up as I soaked up his sleeves with my never ending flow of tears. 

In the new year, we will start fresh.

Welcome any blessings that God brings our way and have faith that He will get us through the rough patches. 

Cheers to 2015! 

Mommy diary: pg 34

Isabella:

Hey baby girl, mama misses you.

You know how much I love you, sometimes so much that it hurts.
You also know by now, that I packed some of your things away:
the cute onesie's your tia Xoch bought for you last CHRISTmas,
the baby jammies dad and I bought for you,
your very first baby blanket that I should have wrapped you in at birth and brought you home in.

They have stayed in your corner in mama's closet, all this time. 
Sadly, I am brought to tears when I go into my closet....your items never moved...they never made it into your nursery, never made it into your drawers, you  never wore them, they still have the price tags on them and that breaks mama's heart every time I find myself staring at your things.
I've wrapped your items into a gift and one day it will be your gift to your future sibling, that I pray I will be blessed with.


I imagined  by now that I would be pregnant again. Instead I sent you a sister to play with. 
Mama can be so selfish sometimes because I wish I could have kept you both.  I wish my arms weren't empty at this moment, I wish my heart didn't ache as much as it does.  I promised you that I would make your home in my heart and I promised that I would keep it  filled with only LOVE. I'm sorry if I sometimes let the fear, anger and loneliness creep in. Mama is only human....and that's a weakness I am flawed with.  All of this love I have for you makes me yearn for reciprocation.  I want to feel your kisses, your warmth, smell your baby breath, hear the sweet sound of your giggles, look into your eyes and see your father, run my fingers through your curls that match my own.  I have imagined you before I even knew I was pregnant and it's what keeps me going.  Cause one day, we will be blessed with your sibling and he/she will remind me of you. 

We are coming up on 1 year of your angelversary, but before that 1 year mark comes....I need to survive these holidays.  The holidays that should have been your first! Stay with me in my darkness, be my light and get me through it.

Mama loves you Isabella Rae

Mommy diary: pg.33

I'm such a planner.

I think ahead all of the time. 

My husband and I go through clearance items after the holidays because we are always planning for the following year. 

Which explains why today as we unpacked CHRISTmas - I found a tiny little Christmas baby shoe ornament, labeled "baby's 1st Christmas."

Last Christmas season was such a happy time for us. We announced our pregnancy to my family and New Year's Eve we announced it to the world. We spent these weeks and the few following on cloud 9. So of course- we clearanced shopped for 3-6mth old holiday baby outfits (which are still hanging in my closet next to other items we were gifted).

Now here I am today organizing and bringing out Christmas.  I never imagined finding this ornament.  To be honest I had forgotten all about it.  Yet I stood there with a blank stare on my face and this huge knot in my throat as I stared at the bottom of the ornament bag. Holding back tears because I'm so tired of crying.   I recently hid a bunch of people on fb  because I didn't want reminders or triggers. Well what a surprise I gave myself today.  A year ago I planned ahead to spend this very first Christmas with my baby and honor the holiday with a cute ornament. Who knows....Perhaps this would become a tradition, daddy buying her a new one every year. Yet, today it proved to be a huge trigger.  Slap in my face. 

Mommy diary: pg 32

Support. Even if you don't want it, in some shape or form - it's there. At least that's how it is when you have a family like mine.

I know that they don't know what to say or how to say it. Most times they don't understand how I am feeling or what I need. 

The most important thing is that they show up. So far, they haven't failed me. They have exceeded the expectations I may have had in the beginning because I was and sometimes still am in such a lonely place that I believe that I am alone. When in reality, that is far from the truth. 

I said to them all week that I understood if they didn't make it out to this healing walk. I truly meant it when I said it too. Even on the drive up- I was only really sure that one other person besides my husband would be attending with me. 

Made me so happy to have them there with me. It truly was an amazing experience and I'm excited to attend their other events as well. 

Mommy Diary: pg 31

As a child, I would categorize the time of the year as follows: summer break, winter break - school days, weekends. . . . this followed into my college years.  As a working adult, my categories transitioned into: Monday through Friday, then "hello weekend, good bye to summer and winter breaks!!"  Although, I have returned to enjoying summer and winter breaks, now that I work for the school district, I seem to tell time differently now.

Let's label this as TTC (trying to conceive) time.
Each month is broken up into 4 categories:

Shark week: that 5-7 day period where I am miserable because aunt flow has now made her appearance. I spend it moping around the house, feeling all the regular symptoms any other female feels with the added emotional stress of completely failing to get pregnant the month before.

Ovulation week: also a 3-5 day gap, sometimes longer, where I try to politely, initiate sex, without  pressuring him or letting him know how the next few days are super important and will determine the rest of the month for me. No pressure babe, but just so you know, I have prepped for this for some time now, and let's make the most of the next few days. Oh yahhhhh, cause that is such a turn on. Being on a schedule sucks.

The next 2 weeks (TWW - two week wait): I wait, somewhat patiently. Thinking about all the prep I had to do this month, the temping, the frequent urinating at certain hours of the day.  The numerous tests I threw out because I was certain I did it wrong.  Can I add that I am still concerned if I am even testing correctly?? What if my ovulating days are completing off? Just imagine all the "what if's?"  The added stress leading up to 5 days before my next period, because then I get anxious.  I am tempted to start to do at home pregnancy tests, hoping to catch an early detection.  I try to hold out as long as i can, but almost every month without fail, I test early, sometimes twice and so far, big fat negatives, which are followed up with that rude appearance that aunt flow makes to announce the beginning of Shark week.

2 more months of this and then we start looking into other options to help us conceive.