Mommy diary: pg 38

Today is the anniversary of the day you left my world. I can remember the hours leading up to it, just like it was yesterday. I'll spend today in bed, cause mommy is really sick. It's very fitting, cause I spent that same day in bed too. Hoping to reverse whatever was already set in play. I miss you baby girl. Even if my world doesn't understand my grief or if reading this doesn't make sense to them. I'm not the same person I was before you. That's okay.                                                                              

 

I wish your time with me was a little bit longer, you made mama's heart just a little bit stronger / I'd be lying if I said this year wasn't tough, cause the little time I had with you was simply not enough / you changed my life. I'm someone entirely new, this I now know to be my only truth / I LOVE DEEPER, because of YOU, I CRY HARDER, because of YOU, I AM A MOMMY, because of YOU! Mama Ioves you Isabella Rae! #mamatoangels #imakeangels #mydaughterhaswings #myfirstbornhaswings #miscarriagematters #angelbaby #iblog #iwritemysoul

Mommy diary: pg. 37

My dearest Isabella:

"You are missing from me"

"Tu me manques"

Mama has you on her mind a lot lately. 

I spent these same days last year on bedrest, cause it was leading up to the day I lost you. 

I am currently sick. I've spent a lot of time in bed, resting, going on almost 72 hours. The same amount of hours I spent praying and crying, last year, while your grandma tried to remind me to put my trust in God. 

Although, I am physically in pain with the aches in my body, soreness in my throat and pain in my ears. Nothing compares to a broken heart, shattered dreams and empty arms. 

I just miss you so much. That's all I have to say. I lived this past year missing a part of me. I'll live the rest of my life missing that part of me. You were mine and I was yours from the moment I knew you were there and you will always be the missing part of me.  

"You are missing from me"

"Tu me Manques"

Mommy diary: pg 36

Now

If I have to define this place in time, the best word I can think of is LIVING.

I am living with a missing piece of me.

I am living with a loss.

I am living with this grief.

I am living with my emptiness.

I am living with my sadness.

I am living a life that I would have given for them, my babies, my angels.

And for that, I also live with LOVE.

Because I know death.

It's touched my family one too many times in such a short while. Death is inevitable - this we all know. 

It doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make it easy to forget.

So because I remember it and live it, I also love harder and love deeper.

Sure,  my fear lingers and sometimes I act irrational, but I am a better person for it. 

I will never be the same person I was before these precious babies made me their mama. I will never ever ever be the same.

So this is me, now! Irrevocably changed and trying to LIVE! Just LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH sometimes! #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart

Mommy diary: pg 35

My husband's work schedule recently changed. We just did the first full week. He leaves to work while I am already working and gets home when I've already been sleeping for a while. His only days off are mon and tues. This isn't the first time he has had this similar schedule, but for some reason i am taking this very hard. I won't be seeing him or be able to spend much quality time with him now. Forget TTC, this schedule makes us both exhausted from the crazy hours and the fact that i now have the added stress of his long driving routes. I wouldn't ever complain to him, just needed to put it out there. I woke up feeling a certain kind of way today and I can't shake it. Probably having to do with the fact that I am also attending church without him. Even as I write this, I know this isn't even the real issue. I've been holding back a lot lately. Maybe because I'm tired of the tears or I'm tired of the constant nagging from family members about me skipping the holidays. Sometimes I want to scream at them, just plain lose it so they can see "wow she really is crazy" I was pregnant this time last year, did they forget.?! Yah, everyone forgot about her, only the mother grieves the child they never got to hold. If I could hold my breath and wake up in February it may be easier. My brain is clouded with what if's and it's making me feel like a big fat failure.  Time to go to church, a place that use to bring me peace and now I just think I come because it's the thing I usually do on Sunday's and anything remotely close to normal I need to hold onto for my sanity. Today I feel like a hypocrite cause I am so upset and pointing fingers to the heavens. How much more hurt am I going to have to put up with? Why does this even hurt this much?    -Isabella Rae's mommy 👼1.23.14

Looking for my ray of sunshine

I started 2014 on cloud 9. 

The joy I felt can't be described in any amount of words I put down in this blog. 

I was just happy. Pure happiness. Filled with hope and dreams for what my year would be. 

Four weeks into the year, I had everything ripped away from me. I still had my life, but it was empty. Losing our first baby was a pain I never knew I would have to feel. I sometimes wonder if I would rather still be in that "can I even get pregnant phase" that I was stuck in for three years. This pain I was feeling was one I wouldn't wish on any woman. A pain I didn't want to ever feel again. Just a few short months later that same pain returned. Losing the second baby didn't hurt me as it should have. I was still so numb and now I would be numb all over again. 

I lived my days just to get through them. I have no idea how I managed, because there were days I just couldn't get out of bed. Living far from everyone else made it easy to hibernate. Nobody can hear the cracking in your voice via text message or see the puffiness that has taken over your eyes from the non stop tears. 

When summer ended, I went back to work. A place I could actually genuinely smile. The kids I work with, bring me that warmth that I needed to feel like a person. 

All summer I spent feeling like a failure, but in that classroom I am important and I am someone that they can count on. No room for failure there. They will never know how much their greeting every morning or farewells at the end of the day mean to me. 

I am still a mother who loves her angel babies with everything I have. I am still a mother who grieves for them as well. 

I am still a woman who wants to give birth to a child and take that child home. 

I wanted so badly to have a ray of sunshine before the year ended. It would have definitely made these holidays a lot easier. Instead I hibernated and avoided any possible triggers. I miss being around my family, but taking care of me was a priority. The walls of my room were witness to the screams of this grieving mother and the arms of my husband held me up as I soaked up his sleeves with my never ending flow of tears. 

In the new year, we will start fresh.

Welcome any blessings that God brings our way and have faith that He will get us through the rough patches. 

Cheers to 2015! 

Mommy diary: pg 34

Isabella:

Hey baby girl, mama misses you.

You know how much I love you, sometimes so much that it hurts.
You also know by now, that I packed some of your things away:
the cute onesie's your tia Xoch bought for you last CHRISTmas,
the baby jammies dad and I bought for you,
your very first baby blanket that I should have wrapped you in at birth and brought you home in.

They have stayed in your corner in mama's closet, all this time. 
Sadly, I am brought to tears when I go into my closet....your items never moved...they never made it into your nursery, never made it into your drawers, you  never wore them, they still have the price tags on them and that breaks mama's heart every time I find myself staring at your things.
I've wrapped your items into a gift and one day it will be your gift to your future sibling, that I pray I will be blessed with.


I imagined  by now that I would be pregnant again. Instead I sent you a sister to play with. 
Mama can be so selfish sometimes because I wish I could have kept you both.  I wish my arms weren't empty at this moment, I wish my heart didn't ache as much as it does.  I promised you that I would make your home in my heart and I promised that I would keep it  filled with only LOVE. I'm sorry if I sometimes let the fear, anger and loneliness creep in. Mama is only human....and that's a weakness I am flawed with.  All of this love I have for you makes me yearn for reciprocation.  I want to feel your kisses, your warmth, smell your baby breath, hear the sweet sound of your giggles, look into your eyes and see your father, run my fingers through your curls that match my own.  I have imagined you before I even knew I was pregnant and it's what keeps me going.  Cause one day, we will be blessed with your sibling and he/she will remind me of you. 

We are coming up on 1 year of your angelversary, but before that 1 year mark comes....I need to survive these holidays.  The holidays that should have been your first! Stay with me in my darkness, be my light and get me through it.

Mama loves you Isabella Rae

Mommy diary: pg.33

I'm such a planner.

I think ahead all of the time. 

My husband and I go through clearance items after the holidays because we are always planning for the following year. 

Which explains why today as we unpacked CHRISTmas - I found a tiny little Christmas baby shoe ornament, labeled "baby's 1st Christmas."

Last Christmas season was such a happy time for us. We announced our pregnancy to my family and New Year's Eve we announced it to the world. We spent these weeks and the few following on cloud 9. So of course- we clearanced shopped for 3-6mth old holiday baby outfits (which are still hanging in my closet next to other items we were gifted).

Now here I am today organizing and bringing out Christmas.  I never imagined finding this ornament.  To be honest I had forgotten all about it.  Yet I stood there with a blank stare on my face and this huge knot in my throat as I stared at the bottom of the ornament bag. Holding back tears because I'm so tired of crying.   I recently hid a bunch of people on fb  because I didn't want reminders or triggers. Well what a surprise I gave myself today.  A year ago I planned ahead to spend this very first Christmas with my baby and honor the holiday with a cute ornament. Who knows....Perhaps this would become a tradition, daddy buying her a new one every year. Yet, today it proved to be a huge trigger.  Slap in my face.