I win!

Earlier this evening I trimmed and filed my natural nails down because the length was getting long. I don't think I have ever done that in my life. Nail biting has been such an ugly habit of mine. It's crazy to think that in the midst of the toughest battles with anxiety, depression and full on chaos that has been my life the last few months - I have control of this one thing. This may seem trivial to many of you, but it's a huge triumph for me, because in January, I suffered one of the biggest betrayals of my life and it's taken me so long to forgive myself. I'm a work in a progress and just like stepping off a scale for a person struggling with weight loss, can be a victory, trimming down my natural nails is a victory in itself for me. Self control, self motivation, 1 win for me and 1 loss for this body of mine (you two faced bitch). I hate myself on most days, but today..... I'm a winner. 

Mommy diary: pg 28

My dearest Isabella:

Today, I should have spent countless hours awaiting your arrival! The first sounds should have been that cry of yours!

God had other plans for you, but that doesn't take away from the pain that still lingers. I miss you! I think I'll always miss you. Thank you for showing me love. I've learned this very different type of love and only you could have impacted my life in such a way to show me it. The unconditional love, the love that grows with every passing day. The type of love that needs no memory because you were mine all along and I am yours forever.

I make no excuses for my grieving of your absence and I no longer care to remember who I was before I lost you. To be honest, the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was a changed woman. 

A mommy changes with a child and just because I don't have you here in my arms that doesn't take away from the fact that I changed too! I'll never be the person I was before you, but I hope to get pass the bumps and be a better me!! I owe this all to you. 

You would have loved your family! Mama started to receive birthday messages for you very early this morning. They all made sure to join in on the birthday celebration for you. Near or far, you were thought of by many.  

 Your grandpa had some beautiful words for you, I hope it made you feel extra special!!! 

Enjoy your birthday with all of our family members in heaven! Love you Isabella Rae!!

 

Daddy + Mama 8.30.14

Mommy Diary: pg. 27

Difficult Days for Miscarriage Survivors:


1. The Due Date.  The days up to this day are also difficult, but on the actual day, I imagine it being the hardest.  I am currently in the days leading up to  my due date (8.30) I can't imagine how difficult that day will be.  I am praying that I have the support I need and that I survive this day, like I have survived every day after my loss(es).

2. The Anniversary of Loss.  (1.23.14 + 6.19.14)   On these days, I imagine myself reliving every moment leading up to my miscarriage(s).  The trauma of passing both babies at home, naturally, the grueling recovery time and the symptoms and emotional trauma that lasted for months and to be honest hasn't subsided much since. 



3. Mother’s Day. Every Mother's day from here on out will mean something different.  I pray that one day, I will be celebrated by my husband and my living children. Meanwhile, I celebrate with my angel babies and my wonderful supportive husband, who did his very best to comfort me this year.  To the many friends and family members who sent me a greeting this year,  I hope you know how much that meant to me because you not only remembered me, but you remembered my babies! Its nice to know that I am not the only one who thinks of my angel babies.  I am a mommy!!


4. October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.   It's quite comforting to know that I am not alone in this group that no mother wishes to be a part of. I recently learned of this date this year and come October, one more important date will be added to my October calendar, along with wedding anniversary and our favorite time of the year.


5. The Day You Find Out You’re Pregnant Again. I didn't expect to have this date so soon after my first loss, but the day I found out I was pregnant, just three short months after we lost Isabella, was also the same day I found out that we were miscarrying again.  Too short of a time to feel anything at all, except hopelessness.  Now, I imagine, that on the day we find out that we are expecting again, I will experience every emotion ranging from fear to pure  joy.  


6. The Day (or often days) You Hear about the Pregnancies of Others. This is getting easier, but as long as it isn't too close to home, I can deal.  Seeing babies, especially newborns, who are about the same age my Isabella would be, is and I think always will be difficult. 


7. Other Holidays that Might Remind Us of Our Loss.  Every and any holiday, but only time will tell when I'll be able to attend gatherings.  


Losing a child changes us.  Not just for the first few days, or weeks or months.

Losing a child changes us, not just for the first year, but for life. 

I'm drowning and you are standing three feet away, yelling "learn how to swim!"

I just had this rare, but much appreciated conversation with my priest about life.  The topic of Robin Williams death was brought up. I had to explain to him a little about depression and the apparent suspected suicide. He seemed at first to ask questions like "why?" and "depressed for what?"  very innocent like questions.  I never thought I would have to break down a brief description of depression to a man of GOD. As I reflect now, I can justify the why. He is a man of God and if people have God in their lives, they are happy and that is enough.   God puts us first in all situations, why wouldn't we put HIM at the forefront of our lives, to fight our battles and to shield us from pain and harm.  I am not naive to the fact that pain and hurt are a part of our lives, but I find comfort in knowing I do not fight my battles alone, EVER!

Well, maybe sometimes.....

Yesterday, was a tough day for me, personally. As I have been in a battle myself and I struggle with giving God the reigns and then initiate a game of tug-of-war with HIM to try and tackle life by myself.  I can find myself in the deepest of mental breakdowns and let me not sugar coat this for any of you, I AM LIVING WITH DEPRESSION.  It's an ugly monster who spears it's head in and out of my daily tasks.  I know what it's like to cry in the shower so that no one hears me, to wait until my husband falls asleep before I fall apart. To avoid any and all situations where a possible trigger can occur.  Keeping my family at bay and putting on a smile to not make anyone feel uncomfortable, cause the once -cheery, bring-my-own-sunshine, bubbly, free-spirited girl, now carries a rain cloud around and doesn't even bother to use an umbrella, cause oh you know, lightning might strike and that would be on a good day. 

I, honestly, don't remember what it's like to not feel broken.

As I had this conversation with my priest, and I am spewing out all this information regarding: depression, anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns....somewhere deep in my brain I also wonder, why he hasn't asked me the one question  that will send me for a loop "why are you so informed on this topic?" My reaction would show my weakness and let him know, that I am so informed about this topic, because it is very simple.....yet not so simple at all...... I am a victim.  This very thought of exposing myself, in my workplace, scares me to the core and I quickly change the subject, offer up prayers to Robin Williams and his family and suggest that an excerpt regarding depression and suicide be arranged into this week's homily.  Then I quickly excuse myself and exit to my office, where I can break down behind closed doors and hide out until lunch time.

 D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N

Most people know the what and the why? they just don't know the how? 

How to move forward, how to smile again.

Close your mouth, because unfortunately, unless you have been in their situation, you do not know the right words to say and more times than not, your words will hurt and cause more harm than good. So extend your hand to help, extend your ear and listen. If you know someone who is depressed and you're worried about them, REACH OUT! Don't just assume it'll go away. Depression is a life crippling monster, that affects anyone! It does not discriminate! Whether or not you understand why someone has depression, that does not matter because they may not understand it either.....what matters is you trying to help! Don't ignore it.

I didn't much care that my news feed  on social media sites filled up with praises and remembrances for this man, an actor, somebody none of us know in person, but yet he touched millions of lives through his films, his comedy, his generosity and love of life.  Love of life! I say this with no disrespect, but how ironic.  

Robin William's will always be remembered for the good and the great man that he was, but it is my hope, that his death will also hold some meaning and help raise awareness. Nobody is immune to that ugly disease, not the strong, not the faithful and surely not the ones who have it all.  

I hope you find the peace you so desperately needed.

Rest in paradise Robin Williams

Sensitive

A small vent here.

I had a "mommy necklace" gifted to me.
It arrived in such a great timing, on a day where I was feeling so sad and only had my babies on my mind. 
I took my usual walk to the mailbox, like I do every night and wasn't even surprised that a package was there because it isn't unusual for an avid online shopper, like myself, to have multiple packages in the box.


It was, however, a surprise when I opened it and found a tiny little necklace, with a mommy charm and the birthstones to match my babies birth dates. I cried happy tears, for the first time in what seems like forever. I put it on that very instant with my husband kindly reminding me of my sensitive skin.  I told him, I'd wear it anyway. 

I'm sad today, cause after about a week of wearing it, I can no longer stand the itchiness, and the redness that is now visible.  It will go in my jewelry box, where the rest of my necklaces, bracelets, watches, earrings and rings have made a permanent home, until the very,very, very special occasion that I will risk wearing them, if only for a few hours.  

Different Shades of Pain

Emotional pain comes in different waves. 
Some pain will come and go with time and other pain you learn to live with over time.

The depth of each pain is different.

The scratch:
This is the type of pain that hurt you and you'll live with it for a few days and watch it heal slowly as you tend to it and nurse the wound back to health. It will then scab up and when you are ready you can simply scratch it away and be done with it.

The flesh wound:
This pain, cut deep. Tears flowed heavily and the heart took a beating.  The healing process is much longer and that wound will heal, but at any given moment, with any glimpse of a reminder, it will reopen and the same pain will return and sometimes much greater. It becomes a vicious cycle. You can still forgive the pain, but you will never forget.

The scar:
Caused by the deepest pain of all.  You live with this pain every day.  It weighs heavy on your mind, heart and soul.  It broke you and the scar you bare is a constant, daily reminder of the pain.  You won't move on from it and it seems as though you will never forget. This is the pain you learn to live with.

At one point in your life, you gather several of these, but the scars, those are the ones that you carry with you always.  Never let your scars define you. Let them be reminders and life lessons.  I carry my scars on my heart and every day I am learning to live with them. Some days are harder than others. 

Back to that place where my mind starts to race

With your angelversary a few days away, I had already found this photo to post with some words so that you would know that you are thought of. You know that lately I have been so obsessed with time, dates and different timelines. It's really sad now that I stop to think about it. My life in the last six mths has been plagued with this crazy keeping time cycle, counting the wks and days and engraving dates that pain my heart and puts my mind in this craze. 

I'm good with numbers though, that's why it's easy for them to etch themselves in my head and never leave. My husband thinks it's scary how fast I can sound out his SSN and then I tell him "it's easy, here's my moms, and my dad's" we just laugh. 

I think of you everyday, but it's been of memories that make me smile and laugh and moments that remind me of you.

Tonight, was just pain and hurt and this urge to leave with the quickness  because the overwhelming feeling was suffocating me. 

I went back to place where I last saw you alive. The place where I last heard your voice, that hospital that I spent one of my last nights with you. Cause you had so much fight in you and even up until the last few days you were giving those nurses a hard time. Makes me laugh just remembering that small part of me that would be embarrassed.Thankfully   very few of them knew Spanish and couldn't understand although I am sure my blushing cheeks gave it away.

I miss you grandma. I know you hear me. I talk to you every day. I just wish I could hear you, Feel you, smell you. 

Kiss my babies for me, tell them about me... Cause if I had them here with me, they would know what an amazing grandma you were to me. 

One of my last conversations with you was about my family planning. You were more concerned with my heart condition and I was preparing myself and selfishly thinking that my children would never get to meet you. How very wrong I was. I like to think that you greeted them in heaven and that they know love and warmth from a mother. Te quiero tanto mi reina, pero aqui me haces mucha falta.