I have a guardian angel on earth...

I have a guardian angel on earth and I call her my friend, she  is an inspiration to me.

She has experienced loss, pain, despair, anger, loss of faith, depression, hope and love. I look up to her for all of these experiences she has lived through. I admire her for the woman, mother and wife she still is even on her cloudy days. I sympathize with her on several levels and respect her so much for her courage. I pray for her so that her faith always guides and her hope and happiness never leaves her.  I love her for finding me, for reaching out, for making me stop and think, for being that one voice of reason in my world of chaos. The infertility, baby loss, miscarriage and all the struggles of a grieving mother are truly heavy and without each other's support, it can be difficult and lonely. I know for a fact that I will never be lonely. I will never face an issue in my journey alone. As much of a strong woman that I am - a grieving mother was a person I never thought I would identify myself as. It's a life sentence and with the heaviest of hearts, I wish that she did not have to face this before I did. I wish that I was the one to have faced it before her, but I am grateful for her. She made me stronger and because of her I can be there for someone else. I only hope that I can be that inspiration in another grieving mothers life! 

 I love you J! I hope you know this is about you and if I made you cry, I'm sorry. So many tears that we shed in this life for sadness, so take the time to shed the tears when you are appreciated. From the bottom of this broken, forever altered-grieving mother's heart: THANK YOU! 

Just a little broken, but not lost.

Stop asking me how I feel.

Or if I am okay. Stop telling me how to handle things or how to approach people who may set off a trigger in me. Just stop. 

Please don't try to be my friend if you truly aren't genuine. I really don't need any pity or the random questions to see how I've been. Because you disappear shortly after. You don't invite me to things, you don't include me in things and you say it's because you are thinking of me, but it's all about you.

You feel better after checking in.

You feel less pressure if I'm not around. Less stress of trigger proofing so that I don't get set off. 

So please don't ask the loaded question

Because it's way too much pressure for me.

I can hear the hurry behind your words.

The screaming phrase that everyone whispers behind my back. 

"She should be over this, by now"

To answer your question: I'm not okay, but I am trying. I feel a million things all at once and on other days I feel nothing. I am numb. And on days in between I cry and sometimes I can't explain why. The aching in my heart is indescribable. 

Then there are days that the sun shines so bright that I feel a little bit of me again. I can laugh and smile and not fake it one bit.

I don't need you because I have me. If you really want to make a difference. . . Let me help you help me...if you can't be here with me, but really be here with me, no judgement, just love, I don't even ask for understanding, JUST LOVE.... if that is too much to ask then please just stay away. Not everyone is cut out to handle a broken person and I don't need fixing, I just need to make sense of my new world.

Rest in peace

Rest in peace 

To a girl I didn't know

Rest in peace 

To a girl who made me cry

Rest in peace 

To a girl who lost her life giving life

My wall feed on social media blew up with the mutual friends who knew her in a small town nearby to my hometown.

Caught my eye cause we shared the same name "Maggie Guzman"

She was 25 and she lost her life giving birth. 

Rest in peace to the girl I never knew, but last night I cried for you. 

Mommy diary: pg 40

I am: 29

I live: in Kerman 

I am married to: Juan Regalado

I drive: a Dodge Avenger 

I fear: that my two angel babies will be my only pregnancies and the two reasons I am a mommy, but I'll never hear them call me mommy. 

I work: at a school district with special needs kids, bookkeeper at a church.

I want to be: a mommy without empty arms

Mommy diary: pg 39

I didn't want to say it

But truth is, it did hurt like hell. 

I didn't want to say it

But I'm sure my face didn't hide it so well.

Everything I couldn't say was pointless cause you knew I would feel it all.

I wanted to support you and I wanted to run the other way .....

Yet, my mind was processing slowly and I just sat there and stayed.

Every thing was so familiar and I wasn't sure what to do. 

But my honesty you needed, so I held myself together just long enough to speak to you. 

When I finally got away, when I could no longer control the monster inside. I broke free and let myself cry. 

I want to be there for you

I don't want you to be alone

I was once the girl who no one understood. The one who lost her world. 

Because I didn't want to tell you that you broke my heart the other day, but I'm aching with you and praying for you- that your baby gets to stay. 

The twisted curve that life has me on....

This blog was started a few years back as a place for me to come to and vent, share my thoughts, speak out loud or in print! So maybe someone out there could get caught up on my current events or someone out there could find some inspiration or support through my words. 

Lately, my posts have been nothing, but mommy posts. I can't even come here anymore to escape my life because it's in print here. It's a diary that I created to let myself vent. And yet, on the days I want to get lost in reading, I come here and get disappointed all over again. 

Here's something new, but not so new... Dad and I are fighting! Oh you see what i did there, I said "dad and I" because on most days I am writing to you, my angels.    The ones who irrevocably changed me, and sometimes I'm not too positive if it was for the better. 

My husband and I are fighting, but why?!? Oh, because it's a baby  thing. Of course. That never changes. Everything is a baby thing! We will both get over this tonight. It will come up again, I am sure. We have hit a point where there is a little bit of unhappiness in the both of us and we both want to fix each other and we can't. Cause that unhappiness is due to an empty space we both share and even though we almost never admit to each other, we both miss our angels like crazy, we both yearn to be parents and we both are falling apart.

To the post that wasn't going to be about them, but ended up anyways. See you next time. 

Mommy diary: pg 38

Today is the anniversary of the day you left my world. I can remember the hours leading up to it, just like it was yesterday. I'll spend today in bed, cause mommy is really sick. It's very fitting, cause I spent that same day in bed too. Hoping to reverse whatever was already set in play. I miss you baby girl. Even if my world doesn't understand my grief or if reading this doesn't make sense to them. I'm not the same person I was before you. That's okay.                                                                              

 

I wish your time with me was a little bit longer, you made mama's heart just a little bit stronger / I'd be lying if I said this year wasn't tough, cause the little time I had with you was simply not enough / you changed my life. I'm someone entirely new, this I now know to be my only truth / I LOVE DEEPER, because of YOU, I CRY HARDER, because of YOU, I AM A MOMMY, because of YOU! Mama Ioves you Isabella Rae! #mamatoangels #imakeangels #mydaughterhaswings #myfirstbornhaswings #miscarriagematters #angelbaby #iblog #iwritemysoul