Mommy diary: pg. 47

Victoria, 

You spend your days with daddy.

From the moment you wake up, you smile at him with this look of just pure love. You adore him and it's comforting to me to know that I leave you in his care and you are okay. Of course you would be, he is such a great dad. 

Mama misses you terribly when she is away and her days feel long and the nights I spend with you feel so short,

But I wouldn't trade them for anything. I go to bed early so we can have this time together. You lay next to me with your hand on my cheek and I can hear you breathing. I place my face up against yours to breathe you in, I love the way you smell. I can be here, in this place, at your side, forever. 

And I plan to be.

Mommy diary: pg 46

I haven't blogged since October of last year and although I have so much to say, this post won't be an update post. I have something weighing heavy and I just need to get it out. 

I'm not perfect.

It seems like such a cruel joke to have so much joy in my life and then again I struggle to enjoy it. I'm covered in this blanket of uncertainty. My lack of control scares me, but the fact that I am aware makes me a winner already.

 I am stronger for that. 

One thing for sure....

I am not alone. 

I'll never be alone.

I can't be alone. 

Mommy diary: pg 45

Wk: 26

I am starting to see the strain that this pregnancy is putting on my heart. 

My blood circulation is terrible and these dizzy spells are no joke. Those were symptoms I expected with a pregnancy, but I was hoping my heart episodes would stay at bay. They drain the energy out of me. I welcomed my first set of episodes this morning. It's never fun when they come as a set. 

Keep me in prayer, this mama is exhausted. 

Mommy diary: pg 44

It's always a time of reflection when I have to make spontaneous visits to my doctor or ER due to something just not feeling right. I am fortunate enough to have a great team of doctors who understand why I have these anxieties and give the anxiety its attention - sometimes my worries are due to just anxiety and other times it's cause something is really wrong. I believe the rest of this journey will be filled with its joys and the handful of worries. I'm sure every pregnant lady has all of them at one point, but mothers who have experienced loss can surely relate that because we know that pain of loss and because it still hurts as much as it did on day one - it is very easy for us to worry about history repeating itself. I've already made it way past my last two pregnancies - those were considered early losses in the first trimester.

So of course I am thinking of my first Angel baby, Isabella Rae, who, if she had lived would be getting ready to celebrate her very first birthday!! I can think of these things now and feel happiness, it's no longer filled with sadness and tears all the time. 

Having another baby girl on the way, surely has made our lives happier and life a lot better! It hasn't however, made our losses any better. Not sure time or a growing family will ever change that.

Mommy diary: pg 43

Friday's mark the end of a pregnancy week for us and our Friday morning routine is spent with prayer and conversation with our little one. We take the time to use our fetal doppler to hear her heartbeat and talk about all things Victoria ( well that is a daily thing). We research what is NEW with the baby this week and what to expect in our next week. It sets the tone for the weekend and gives mama a sense of peace because the weekend always seems so long to me especially because I don't have complete access to my personal dr. like I would on a weekday. All has been well with baby and her growth this far, my body is the one acting crazy, but taking rest has been a huge part and I am just thankful that I have the husband that I do. Even with the craziness of his work schedule and the sleepless nights I give him...he still manages to care for me and give me the emotional support I need. I know he struggles too with this new journey and the balancing of grief and joy, but we have each other and on my weakest days he is my rock as I am his on his weakest days. 

Mommy diary: pg. 42

Recap:

July was a month of reflection for my husband and I. We made it through to the next trimester in this pregnancy. 

We passed the dreadful week in which we lost our first Angel and it was bittersweet. 

Week 11-12: That week alone, this time around, was a tough one. Neither of us said a word about it, just lived in the moment and presumably held our breath.

I forced myself to stay home, morning sickness had not subsided yet and frankly being mentally and physically exhausted was taking its toll. While I rested  I didn't even dare use my at-home fetal doppler for the  fear of not being able to find a heart beat/my mind would know it's cause it's too soon to catch it, but my heart would cry due to the unknown. 

Week 12-13: this was the week  we got to do the Dreadful scans. I wasn't at all nervous about the outcome of those scans. I just wanted to hear a heartbeat. Any other diagnosis wasn't a concern to us because the baby would be loved all the same no matter the outcome. I held my breath like I did at every scan before this and waited to see a flicker on the screen or the sound of the babies galloping heart beat. Because our baby proved to be stubborn this day, we got to spend 45 mins to an hour watching through the screen while the tech tried to get all her scans complete. It was AMAZING! 

Week 14-16: a glimmer of excitement has entered our household- we spend our time together talking about our baby. What will she look like? Who will she act like? Will she have curly hair like mama? Tall like her daddy? Light complected with colored eyes like her Tia val? A crazy little personality like her cousin Trinity or Evanni? Maybe she will be nothing like any of us  and just bring her own unique little flare to our family. You know what else crosses my mind...will she look anything like her sisters? Will I finally know what my other two angels look like? 

Just about half way there and crossing week 24 is the next hurdle to get through. With the faith I am carrying I know we will make it past that week and to the finish line. 💙💜

This little girl has no idea how loved she already is. The weekly appointments, daily shots, sickness and all is a sacrifice that will be so worth it. 

Daddy and mommy can't wait to meet her. 

a piece from my journal

October 2014


If I have to define this place in time, the best word I can think of is LIVING.

I am living with a missing piece of me.
I am living with a loss.
I am living with this grief.
I am living with my emptiness.
I am living with my sadness.
I am living a life that I would have given for them, my babies, my angels.

And for that, I also live with LOVE.

Because I know death.
It's touched my family one too many times in such a short while. Death is inevitable - this we all know.

It doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make it easy to forget.

So because I remember it and live it, I also love harder and love deeper.

Sure, my fear lingers and sometimes I act irrational, but I am a better person for it.

I will never be the same person I was before these precious babies made me their mama. I will never ever ever be the same.

So this is me, now! Irrevocably changed and trying to LIVE! Just LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH sometimes!