I hate the C word

The very first book I ever read by the author Jodi Picoult was "My Sister's Keeper," and since then I've been a fan. I read this book years before it was made into a movie (many of her titles have been made into LifeTime movies as well). Every once in a while I would pick up My Sister's keeper and reread from cover to cover. It's story was filled with strength and love. Still on my nightstand and will always be a favorite.

When my husbands niece was diagnosed with cancer in 2012, it was a huge shock. I remember my husband and I laying in bed the morning before we were suppose to drive up to see her (his birthday) and we just held each other in silence, so much silence his heart thundered in his chest until my tears broke that silence and only then was when I realized he was crying all along. This cancer shook us, but didn't break us. It was our first experience and it was new to us all. For months on end we watched her fight, she grew spiritually and all of her strength and will came from her faith in God. The girl we were told to take home and make comfortable is still here with us today and we are blessed. 

I remember thinking as I laid next to her in her hospital bed, running my fingers down her arm "spiders" is what she called it, how stubborn I was to not face the fact that she may not be here the next day. I would think to myself that it would only hurt more if I stayed in denial, but those same thoughts would be chased away by my faith which reminded me to never lose hope and to continue to believe because as long as she was fighting we would fight with her. 

In august of this year, the C word made its second appearance and this time my husband took the hardest hit because his father fought for two long months before losing his battle. Although we were experienced and knew exactly what questions to ask, how to advocate for him and what to expect, his cancer was too advanced. The loss is still so fresh. 

Now tonight I sit here with a lump in my throat, knot in my stomach and a man on my mind! A man who I have so much in common with, its scary. A man who can get under my skin so fast, it's ridiculous. A man who has loved me since the first day he laid eyes on me. A man who doesn't need to say he loves me, I just know.  Tomorrow's call will determine what kind of year we have in 2014. I am praying for the best and preparing for the worst. No matter what I'm not going anywhere because he has never left me.

When I look back now, that book is just something so special to me. I am not sure why, but I felt connected to it for a reason. You know the feeling you get when you know something is happening for a reason....i have it, but the reason, i don't know why.....yet.