I'm at work now, and it's hit me. The tired feeling. The "let me put my head down for a second and pass out" phase. I get little to no sleep lately. I just can't fall asleep. I think too much. Can't make my mind stop. I don't want to rely on sleeping aids to get my rest. So I'm doing things as best I can. Which seems to not be working.
Yesterday's trigger: Spent a good time at work, it's been crazy here lately. Visited with my niece at my mom's, then got home close to ten (this is a normal time). I walked out to the mail and I received a target gift discount in the mail. It read something along the lines of your due date is almost here, and to be honest I stopped reading.
My due date would almost be here, the due date for my first angel, Isabella Rae. A baby shower would have been had already and a nursery would be getting put together. Instead, the nursery has been converted to a guest bedroom and I spent this week, selling off baby clothes and baby accessories that my sister needed sold, when in reality, if my baby was still on track to being born, I more than likely would have kept all of the baby clothes and baby items, that my beautiful one year old niece no longer has use for.
Lately I've been consumed with time. I count out weeks now. And I am about to start a new count- for the new loss. Adelina, is the name we chose.
I have new dates to remember: how many weeks was I? How far along should I be? The date I miscarried.. How old she would be? Everything is overwhelming. All I wanted was a birth date. Just a birth date and my baby. Now I have two angels and all of these different dates and times that mark a painful memory, but it's a memory I don't want to lose or forget because it's all I have of them.
So this was my trigger yesterday. It's nobody's fault. Not even mine.
It just plain sucks.
that's all.
sucks.
Isabella Rae
due date: 8/30/2014
born in heaven date: 1/28/2014
Adelina
due date: 2/12/2015
born in heaven date: 6/19/2014
Showing posts with label #miscarriagematters #miscarriage #angelbabies #mommytoangels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #miscarriagematters #miscarriage #angelbabies #mommytoangels. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Mommy Diary: page 25
This is MY safe zone. I can blog about my emotions, fears, hopes and I can do so without any judgement.
I'm not sure I've put much thought into what's being going on with me personally.
This second miscarriage isn't sinking in.
I feel that if I grieve for this second angel of mine, I am taking away from Isabella (my first angel).
Even that right there is a huge deal for me. ISABELLA - I named my first angel. I gave her a name because she is real... she lived her intended life span and she was named.
My second angel isn't named - yet.
I didn't know of this pregnancy until I was already miscarrying. I was afraid to name the baby because I was too afraid to acknowledge the reality of my second miscarriage. Naming the baby would make it real.
As if the first miscarriage wasn't traumatic enough for me - going through a second one was something I wasn't ready for. Something I DID NOT want. So, I went about my days very different in this miscarriage than I did the first. I didn't even take time off from work right away. I finished up the last few days of the school year and then, only then, did I devote myself to bed rest. Some would question that decision, but I was not putting myself or my body or the baby in any additional risk.
Now that this second miscarriage has come to a complete end. I can begin with the healing. My body will bounce back soon enough, it''s already working in a faster timeline in comparison to the first miscarriage.
Once, my body is back to normal, my heart and soul can begin to heal. Only then, because meanwhile I heal my body, these doctor visit's for post miscarriage are taking it's toll. They are necessary for my overall well being, given into account that my body is fragile and my health is a big factor. So when i go on these visits, I am much like a Zombie. I avoid any visual or physical contact with mommies and their newborns to shield my heart and I always, always, always have head phones on so that I do not accidentally hear the sound of a baby's heart beat as I pass from one room to the next. You won't believe how thin the walls are in the office.
Overall, Ive kept myself together this time around.
Last night, as I watched the movie "Heaven is For Real" I felt a guilt in my heart for not naming my angel. For those of you who have seen the movie, you'll know which scene I am referring to and for those of you haven't - go watch it. It's a must see! I don't want my angel to be in heaven nameless. So tonight, along with my husband, we will name this angel of ours.
Update: we named our second angel - Adelina
I'm not sure I've put much thought into what's being going on with me personally.
This second miscarriage isn't sinking in.
I feel that if I grieve for this second angel of mine, I am taking away from Isabella (my first angel).
Even that right there is a huge deal for me. ISABELLA - I named my first angel. I gave her a name because she is real... she lived her intended life span and she was named.
My second angel isn't named - yet.
I didn't know of this pregnancy until I was already miscarrying. I was afraid to name the baby because I was too afraid to acknowledge the reality of my second miscarriage. Naming the baby would make it real.
As if the first miscarriage wasn't traumatic enough for me - going through a second one was something I wasn't ready for. Something I DID NOT want. So, I went about my days very different in this miscarriage than I did the first. I didn't even take time off from work right away. I finished up the last few days of the school year and then, only then, did I devote myself to bed rest. Some would question that decision, but I was not putting myself or my body or the baby in any additional risk.
Now that this second miscarriage has come to a complete end. I can begin with the healing. My body will bounce back soon enough, it''s already working in a faster timeline in comparison to the first miscarriage.
Once, my body is back to normal, my heart and soul can begin to heal. Only then, because meanwhile I heal my body, these doctor visit's for post miscarriage are taking it's toll. They are necessary for my overall well being, given into account that my body is fragile and my health is a big factor. So when i go on these visits, I am much like a Zombie. I avoid any visual or physical contact with mommies and their newborns to shield my heart and I always, always, always have head phones on so that I do not accidentally hear the sound of a baby's heart beat as I pass from one room to the next. You won't believe how thin the walls are in the office.
Overall, Ive kept myself together this time around.
Last night, as I watched the movie "Heaven is For Real" I felt a guilt in my heart for not naming my angel. For those of you who have seen the movie, you'll know which scene I am referring to and for those of you haven't - go watch it. It's a must see! I don't want my angel to be in heaven nameless. So tonight, along with my husband, we will name this angel of ours.
Update: we named our second angel - Adelina
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)