Mommy diary: pg 23

I suffered my first miscarriage in jan 2014.

I am currently suffering through a second. 

I wasn't ready to be pregnant again.

I didn't know I was pregnant again.

My body reacted in such a familiar way it's scary how much the body can tell you. I knew exactly what was happening to me and all I needed was a confirmed pregnancy. I got that today. I am in fact pregnant, but miscarrying. 

How is it possible that it took us 3yrs to conceive our first baby and then lose her at 10wks and this time I got pregnant so fast, without even planning.

I am confused, in denial and hate hate hate that my body is doing this to me again. I wasn't ready to be pregnant and I sure as hell was not ready to miscarry for a second time in less than six mths. 

I'm not okay. 

I hope God knows what HE is doing with me and I am praying HE gives me the strength to accept what HE has planned for me and to get through everything up ahead.

Mommy diary: pg 22

My first ultrasound was in an ER. I didn't get to see. Everything was so routine, so fast, zero bedside manners. This was my first pregnancy, my first baby and although my husband was there, they didn't allow him to come to ultrasound room and it was his first experience also, so we didn't do much more than what we were told. A few days later I was back in a different hospital ER and this time my husband went to exam rm with me, he was in a position to see and he got to hear the heart beat. I was overwhelmed this time and in pain that I didn't pay attn, this was the evening they told me I was miscarrying. I had to wait the wknd and a holiday on Monday, so didn't see my OB til a few days, she did scans and with my mom and my husband in the room, they all saw the screen, but I didn't. Nobody said anything, but I knew from the way my husband squeezed my arm. So when the dr said they couldn't find my baby and that she was on her way out, I wasn't surprised. My nightmare had officially began. Once I dressed and composed myself I asked for my scans, they said there was nothing there and I said yes, my babies first home is there, the sac. I want to see it. That is the only image I have. 

Mommy diary: page 21

27 wks 3 days is how far a long I should be right now. 

You know I've had the past 24 hrs to gather my thoughts. I think I know why it's been so hard for me to actually grasp the reality of your loss.

I mean, I know, because I gave birth to you, I held you and I was there when we buried you. I know. 

However, I should still be pregnant and if I know my mind as well as I think I do, I can guarantee my mind is holding onto the fact that technically I shouldn't have you in my arms yet. Sept 7th. That's the day. The day you should be in my arms. 

When that day comes and when it goes, there still won't be a baby in my arms. Who knows where I'll be. Or if my mind is going to comprehend this tremendous loss then. My heart. It has suffered a heartache and it will always ache and that missing piece will stay empty forever. As for my mind, I can't guarantee the state it will be when it gets rocked with such a dreadful reality. I just hope GOD doesn't leave my side, because when that reality hits, I won't be able to stand it. 

Mommy diary: pg. 20

My husband and I are rarely home. We live such busy lives outside our homes, but it's nice to get home early on a weekday, have time to cook, clean and enjoy a redbox.  This was our evening last night.  We even had the chance to sit on our new patio furniture and enjoy the neighborhood kids, racing their bikes.  

Back to the redbox: a while back I came across a movie on an online movie site, that I started to watch before it started buffering out. I lost patience that day and never tried to re-watch it.  So when I saw it in the redbox, I grabbed it.  The movie is titled Labor Day, with Kate Winslet and a familiar looking actor (his name slips my mind). Movie spoiler from this point on.  I popped it in while I cooked dinner and my husband automatically recognized the narrator's voice and asked if I was watching spider man? Ummmmm, no! I guess the narrator's voice was Tobey Maguire's voice. 

 

So, moving forward we realize right away it's some type of love story, with a mysterious twist.  It's rather slow, but keeps our interest, because the main character is running from the law for something he did or didn't do in his past. I am watching bits and pieces cause I am cooking, but then the focus turns on Kate Winslet (supporting actress in the movie), I thought I had her depression figured out from the get-go: husband leaves her for another woman, she is left as a single mom. I didn't quite expect at all that the story line behind her depression was based on miscarriage(s) and a stillborn.  I was completely caught off guard and didn't know what to do with my emotions. The tv screen captured my attention, all of me was wrapped in the scenes that depicted HER STORY.  I tried my best to not fall apart, but that was almost impossible, and my husband realized right away and offered a touch of support, which was all I needed.  I watched every scene and every moment.  I understood the aftermath of it all, also.  

 

This movie night brought about an unexpected whirlwind of emotions for me.  I just had to share to help me filter through my thoughts.  I can't quite explain the amount of confusion I have right now, in regards to hope and fear. This is a new battle. Oh boy, I wasn't ready for this battle.  I like to rely on hope and faith. However, I wish I was that girl that use to say "Oh that won't ever happen to me."

 

Now, the main character, well he was a father to a child who he later found out wasn't his at all; also something we are familiar with. However, my husband didn't seem too worked up about that. Men are so different.  This may be a discussion he and I will discuss at a later moment, because he may still be processing. 

Overall, it was a good movie, and a good night in the Regalado Household.

What makes a mother?

A true depiction of every emotion in me.
Today, tomorrow and always.
This truly was heartwarming to read. Perfect timing with Mother's day just around the corner.

A Mother's Poem
Adapted from Jennifer Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard HIM say:

"A mother has a baby
This we know is true."

"But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
with confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."

"Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat,
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say:

"We go to earth and learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit here each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear
"mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here"

So, you see my dear sweet one
Your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home
and this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
She'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a mother
It's the feelings in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Mommy diary: page 19

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

I was sitting here trying to mentally prepare myself for Mother's Day next week. This Mother's Day will mean something different for me for two reasons.... I won't just be celebrating my mother, but also I'll have to be prepared to console her cause it is her first year without her mother. I have such an anxiety building up and I can't figure out how to relieve it. Reason two: I AM A MOTHER, but I do not expect to be seen as a mother or because I want to be celebrated as one.  However, the fact is that I am a mother to an angel baby and my acknowledgement on this day would mean her acknowledgment as well. That she not only lives in my heart, but that others  think of her too. However, I don't have a living child and this holiday will pass, until the next holiday arrives and I begin to think once more that we should be celebrating her first Halloween, thanksgiving, or Christmas! 

So before these thoughts consumed me and my eyes swelled up with tears,  I came across this on my fb wall and it warmed my heart. So of course I will be joining the movement to once again bring honor to ALL mothers. I am slowly finding peace in my reality and only GOD knows my true struggles, but every day is a new day. I sometimes fail horribly, but start anew as morning comes. So tomorrow, 5/4/2014 will be in honor of those mothers who carry their angel babies in their hearts until we can hold them in our arms again or in my case, hold Isabella Rae in mine for the first time. 

Good morning, my name is Maggie and I hide my fears behind a wall of arguments. 

At least I can admit that I am not perfect.

I may not deal with my fears in the best way, but Every day I struggle to find a balance and I'll get there, one day at a time.