Babyshower 5.4.13

Your baby shower almost didn't happen. Mama was being tested for toxemia. Thank God the results were good and she was able to attend your baby shower. It was a success. Your Tia Xoch did a great job decorating 

Everyone helped out to make it happen. 

Grandma Meza and Tia crystal made sure your cake was perfect ....

Your mama was glowing and your were showered with love and many gifts!!! Our family and close friends were there and they are all ready to meet you. 

Evanni Meelah 💜

This is the spelling mom and dad have chosen for you..it may change, but as of today this is what it is. Your mom has spent the better part of this weekend in the hospital, starting on Friday. Her overnight on Friday evening was quite an experience because she heard a lot of pregnant women screaming from possibly giving birth. She says she isn't scared, but I bet she is anxious. Her hospital food was too bland so your dad ordered her a pizza (the one pregnancy craving she could not live without). He also brought her coldstones ice cream, even though she wanted baskin Robbins 31 flavors. She still enjoyed it. 

After that hospital stay and Mondays follow up your mom now knows she has preeclampsia. At week 37 mama will be induced. Which means in about 10days you will be here!!!! 

I am nervous, scared, anxious and excited!! Can't wait to meet you Evanni! 

Tia is overjoyed at the thought of you being here any day now! You are proving to be such a diva already.. Making us all run to the hospital every other day because you seem to be coming, but then you calm down. mama wants to cook you longer. Please take it easy on mama when you decide to bless us with your birth. 

Five days away . . . .

It's just a few days away. I know every year he looks forward to hearing from you.  His birthday and Father's day use to be the two days of the year that he was guaranteed to hear from you. However, last year...the calls didn't come. This year, I will hold my breath and maybe even try to keep him busy.  I'm afraid you won't call and I'm afraid of how it will hurt him.  He doesn't talk to me about you much lately...except to ask me how I think you are doing.  You give me a minimal look into your life via social networking, but he gets even less.  I know when he sits in his office and is just staring into space, it's because you are weighing heavy on his mind. I wish you hadn't changed your number or at least that you would have shared it with us. I miss you dearly and he misses you more.  I remind him that you are getting older and that it's only a matter of time before you reach out and we will hear from you again.  He fears that if you do run back to us it will be in rebellion against your mother and you know he always wants to keep that peace. 

I always wonder what you are thinking, how you are doing and if we ever cross your mind.  We have moved since you last lived with us and the room that should be yours in the new place has stayed empty.  We sold the twin bed you once used, with the plans to upgrade you to a full size bed.  I kept all your decor, but I'm sure you want to upgrade those too.  The clothes that hung in your closet will Definitely not fit you. I'm sure you have sprouted longer legs and are maturing into a young lady. I'm counting the months because saying years makes it a bit clearer to me that so much time has passed. 

If the day comes when you return, you won't come back as the day you left.  You are growing and we are missing it.

Feels like dejavu.  Actually, it's exactly that.  You disappeared from our lives once before.  When we finally got you back, it had been five years and a 3 year old is much different compared to an 8 year old.  We missed those years and I see it happening all over again. We are missing the years that you grow into a teenager. 

We understand and will continue to be patient.  You have endured so much in your short life. I just pray God is at your side and helping you deal with it all.  I pray He holds your hand like your daddy would and that He gives you that shoulder to cry on like I would.  

Five days away from your dad's birthday and all I can do is hold my breath. 

Love & miss you....

A letter I'll never send

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to hold my tongue sometimes. The motivation is that I know that God has a plan for you and that you will get to know Him one day and He will shed light on truth. Until then, I sit quietly and I pray for you that you will not be led too astray by your mother. She doesn’t like people and has a negative world view that will be passed onto you. One day, you will see Truth. But my prayer is that the lens of unconditional love will be removed and you will see your mother for what she is: A lost, broken, mentally unstable person who has parentified you and stolen your childhood as a result. I pray that God will restore to you your youth, your carefree days. I don’t hate your mother and I don’t want you to hate her. I want you to distance yourself from her manipulative, unhealthy and childish ways and establish yourself firmly in the goodness of Jesus Christ and have the self confidence of someone who has been taken care of her whole life, rather than the one who has taken care. I love you. I’m sorry when I use to tolerate you. I did that a lot and it is hard because I see so much of your mom in you it sadly appalled me. It is darkness and light. You are light and yet, there is this darkness in you, this cloud that hangs over you, this lack of caring about anyone else, that I cannot ignore. I hate it. I don’t hate you. I pray that you will give your life to jesus sooner than later and that he gives you supernatural wisdom and understanding. Your mother is not healthy. Love her, yes. Be respectful, yes, but i pray you do not emulate her. Do not carry on the legacy she is trying so desperately to hang on you. You were made for much more than your mother has shown you through her own life. Pray for your mother, that she too will know the forgiveness and peace that is only found in Jesus. Do not think of yourself as better than her. But do know, that God has called you to a purpose and you are perfectly made. You do not have to carry on your mother’s traits. Boldly refuse them. I pray God gives you clarity to see those traits from which you need to run. Light and darkness are not supposed to be able to be mutually present, but I see them both in you. Win the struggle, be light, as I know you were made to be.

Ma ma's cravings

grilled chicken, pasta salad, baked green beans, mash potatoes w/ gravy and Hawaiian bread!!!

Evanni:
Mama is 30 weeks today...
This was on the menu tonight-minus the baked green beans ... Your mama has the craziest cravings. She tried explaining to me what the green beans were, but we couldn't find them at the store ..so that part of the craving did not happen. Might I add that we also searched the frozen section of the store for OTTER POPS (otter pops are sold NOT FROZEN) so mama settled for jolly rancher Popsicles. She ate about five before I stopped counting. She said most of them were for you.
Your baby shower is in about three weeks, so stay cooking until then please!!!
Love you bunches babygirl!

Tia Mags

My dearest Evanni:
In a little less than two months, you will be here. I still remember the call your mom gave me, at almost midnight! She asked if I was awake and then said to wait for a text message with a photo. I'm not sure how I knew before even opening the message, but the image of her positive pregnancy test, did not surprise me. I was crying before I could actually make out the two lines in each window, which indicated that she was indeed pregnant !! I called her right back and choked on my words, but managed to scream with excitement "we're having a baby!" You see, Evanni, your mom is my sister and despite the years between us, she is my best friend. She is one special person and holds a special place in my heart because she fought so hard to be in this world since day one. I love her unconditionally and you are going to be her life!! So guess what?? You will be stuck with this crazy Tia!! To be honest I was on team boy even after we knew you were a girl!! Haha. I kept saying you would surprise us and be a boy!! I'm sure you will be beautiful like your mama, she looks just like me, so you are both very lucky!

I can't lie to you, I am terrified of what the next few weeks will bring. I am afraid of the unknown and I'm sure every pregnancy has its risks, but your mama is so fragile!! So I'm asking you to please take it easy on her. If you want to come early, please make sure you are ready, but if you are going to wait it out, please remember that mama's health is fragile! She loves you too much already to think of herself, but I love you both and want the best outcome for both of you!! I can't wait to hold you and kiss you. You are the first baby for our family and we will spoil you like crazy!! So many people love you already and cannot wait to meet you.

See you soon.
Your favorite Tia 😉

Looking for my rainbow

I see you
And all the signs
I hear you when you cry at night
And I don't need to wonder why

I watch you toss and turn
And follow you from the bed, to the couch and then down to the floor.

I'm in your shadow throughout the day
Just a few steps behind to stay out of your way.

I'm in your corner, in that space, the one you go to when you can't show your face.

I listen when you scream and shout
I understand what it's all about
I see past all the cries and tears
I know that it's only just your fears

I'm sorry that I can't lend my hand
I'm sorry that I can't lend my shoulder
I'm sorry that I don't have the words
I'm sorry that I don't have the courage

I accept that I can't take your hand
I accept that I can't lean on your shoulder
I accept that I don't hear your words
I accept that I can't use your courage

I recognize you
Do you recognize me?
I am you and you are me

I see the girl I have become
Dark and moody and always bummed
I let the ugliness get out with every scream and every shout
I see my hurt and all the pain
Just wish I knew how to get her back
Hope the rainbow comes after all this rain!