I hate the C word

The very first book I ever read by the author Jodi Picoult was "My Sister's Keeper," and since then I've been a fan. I read this book years before it was made into a movie (many of her titles have been made into LifeTime movies as well). Every once in a while I would pick up My Sister's keeper and reread from cover to cover. It's story was filled with strength and love. Still on my nightstand and will always be a favorite.

When my husbands niece was diagnosed with cancer in 2012, it was a huge shock. I remember my husband and I laying in bed the morning before we were suppose to drive up to see her (his birthday) and we just held each other in silence, so much silence his heart thundered in his chest until my tears broke that silence and only then was when I realized he was crying all along. This cancer shook us, but didn't break us. It was our first experience and it was new to us all. For months on end we watched her fight, she grew spiritually and all of her strength and will came from her faith in God. The girl we were told to take home and make comfortable is still here with us today and we are blessed. 

I remember thinking as I laid next to her in her hospital bed, running my fingers down her arm "spiders" is what she called it, how stubborn I was to not face the fact that she may not be here the next day. I would think to myself that it would only hurt more if I stayed in denial, but those same thoughts would be chased away by my faith which reminded me to never lose hope and to continue to believe because as long as she was fighting we would fight with her. 

In august of this year, the C word made its second appearance and this time my husband took the hardest hit because his father fought for two long months before losing his battle. Although we were experienced and knew exactly what questions to ask, how to advocate for him and what to expect, his cancer was too advanced. The loss is still so fresh. 

Now tonight I sit here with a lump in my throat, knot in my stomach and a man on my mind! A man who I have so much in common with, its scary. A man who can get under my skin so fast, it's ridiculous. A man who has loved me since the first day he laid eyes on me. A man who doesn't need to say he loves me, I just know.  Tomorrow's call will determine what kind of year we have in 2014. I am praying for the best and preparing for the worst. No matter what I'm not going anywhere because he has never left me.

When I look back now, that book is just something so special to me. I am not sure why, but I felt connected to it for a reason. You know the feeling you get when you know something is happening for a reason....i have it, but the reason, i don't know why.....yet. 

2 CORINTHIANS 5:7

I can finally take a breath!

It's been a few long dark weeks.. And finally a light is shining through. 

I was rocked

I was tested

I almost gave in

You wouldn't know this because I am strong enough to go about my day as usual, but when I am home, especially when I am alone, that's where my worries take me over. They find me there and work on breaking me down. 

"How do you do it?" "What is your secret?" 

Faith sees me through, and faith gives me my strength. 

I will battle everything thrown my way because I am strong in my faith and God never gives me more than I can handle. 

Faith, Hope & Love 

Untitled

So much I wish I could say

These tears of mine, choke me up and get in the way.

Instead I pray for you and hope it's enough

The world is ugly and it's going

To be tough. 

I offered my love, protection and faith. 

I stood by you and kept you grounded 

This grief has left you blinded. 

It's eating you up and swallowing you whole. 

It's entered you and made its home. 

I won't live there, no, not anymore. 

Grief and i, we can't be friends. 

In this battle, you've let him win. 

you can not die of grief
though it feels as if you can
a heart does not actually break
though sometimes your heart aches as it does
grief dims with time
there comes a day when you smile again
and you feel like a traitor
how dare i feel happy
how dare i be glad in a world where you are no more
and then you will realize
the biggest loss of a loved one
is your inability to continue living after they are gone
they have lost their life
you shouldn't lose yours

A letter I'll Never Send: Pg. 2

So I once told your dad, mark my words, she will reach out.  Children crave stability and one day we will be the ones she reaches out to.  

Two weeks ago, I don't know why or the reason behind it, but you reached out and we shared an awesome conversation.  We caught up and even planned to see each other. The last thing you said was that you would check with your mom and that was it.  I've sent you a few messages and nothing. I wish I had your number (why didn't I ask for it) I want to call and make sure you are okay.  I hope I said enough to you to let you know we are always here.  

I do not have any doubt that what  I am doing is the right thing.

Keeping this door open for you and this place in my heart for you is my choice.  

If I get hurt. I get hurt. end of story.

Mommy Diary: Pg.2

Quick Background:  At age 14, and after several trips to the ER from spontaneous black outs, doctor's discovered that my heart wasn't wired too well. Apparently I was born with a heart that essentially had wiring problems.  This extra nerve in my heart that could cause my whole  nervous system to whack out and cause my body to go into a state of shock, uncontrollable heart rate paired with sharp pains in my chest, shortness of breath and eventually a black out, would be the cause of many issues for me.

I had my first procedure to correct the problem in high school, it froze the nerve, but we later found out that it would be 3-5 years before I would need another corrective procedure.  Now, this heart issue, gave me lots of discomfort, but when I am in control it didn't hinder me from living my life.  That was until my last procedure, where the doctor's failed to correct it and claimed they could not find the nerve.....it disappeared? how? IMPOSSIBLE! So at 23, I was told "while you are not experiencing any symptoms, consider starting your family".  Well guess what? I was nowhere near ready to be a parent yet.  Although, I was with the man I knew I was going to marry ( I DID) we were not ready!! So I learned strategies to control my condition, alternate ways to get pass my episodes and avoid black outs. 

I am now 1 mth away from 28...and family planning is in full swing, despite some obstacles in that department....but of course it could never be that easy...welcome back into my life heart episodes!!! Back to my cardiologist I go, back to my medication regimen I go, back to carrying halter heart monitors, back to sticky patches that itch and hurt when I pull them off, back to being extra cautious and always keeping my bag with my alcohol wipes (to prevent the black outs) and brown paper baggies (to help pace my breathing). 

Once again, family planning is on hold.... and the timing couldn't be worse!

Mommy Diary: Pg.1

I am a person with faith.  My life has always been a rollercoaster and without my faith, I would probably be lost.  When a person is filled with faith, it is said that there is no room for fear.  I use to believe that wholeheartedly, until recently. 

I married my high school sweetheart. We dated for ten years, YES I KNOW forever, but we are finally married  and will celebrate our two years in October. 

Finding the man to marry - check, marrying him - check.....what comes next?  Starting a family is what comes next in our book.  In the ten years of dating, we shared several conversations about our desires for a family; how many children? what will their names be? 

So here we are about to hit two years of really, really trying to start our little family....and we have hit a road block.  Now, I wasn't sure about going the route of KNOWING why we have been unable to conceive because my faith tells me that if it's God's will, it will come on his time.... but a few mths ago, I made the choice to check myself out.  Preliminary results show that we will indeed have some setbacks.  I have been sitting on this for almost two months, I still have tests to do and choices to make.  Meanwhile, he and I are having a whirlwind of a life because there is always someone with bigger problems than ourselves.  My husbands mind has been overwhelmed with his father's illness and my heart is still grieving the death of my grandma, but when I am alone with my thoughts...and when I can no longer cry, I have this lump in my throat, this fear in my heart and a cloud of doubt on my mind. 

Does it make me a hypocrite to have this fear inside me even though I am a woman of faith! The daughter of a wonderful, loving King.  I cant help, but wonder and yet I cannot get myself to move onto the next step in this process of starting our little family.

-Always Faithful