Looking for my ray of sunshine

I started 2014 on cloud 9. 

The joy I felt can't be described in any amount of words I put down in this blog. 

I was just happy. Pure happiness. Filled with hope and dreams for what my year would be. 

Four weeks into the year, I had everything ripped away from me. I still had my life, but it was empty. Losing our first baby was a pain I never knew I would have to feel. I sometimes wonder if I would rather still be in that "can I even get pregnant phase" that I was stuck in for three years. This pain I was feeling was one I wouldn't wish on any woman. A pain I didn't want to ever feel again. Just a few short months later that same pain returned. Losing the second baby didn't hurt me as it should have. I was still so numb and now I would be numb all over again. 

I lived my days just to get through them. I have no idea how I managed, because there were days I just couldn't get out of bed. Living far from everyone else made it easy to hibernate. Nobody can hear the cracking in your voice via text message or see the puffiness that has taken over your eyes from the non stop tears. 

When summer ended, I went back to work. A place I could actually genuinely smile. The kids I work with, bring me that warmth that I needed to feel like a person. 

All summer I spent feeling like a failure, but in that classroom I am important and I am someone that they can count on. No room for failure there. They will never know how much their greeting every morning or farewells at the end of the day mean to me. 

I am still a mother who loves her angel babies with everything I have. I am still a mother who grieves for them as well. 

I am still a woman who wants to give birth to a child and take that child home. 

I wanted so badly to have a ray of sunshine before the year ended. It would have definitely made these holidays a lot easier. Instead I hibernated and avoided any possible triggers. I miss being around my family, but taking care of me was a priority. The walls of my room were witness to the screams of this grieving mother and the arms of my husband held me up as I soaked up his sleeves with my never ending flow of tears. 

In the new year, we will start fresh.

Welcome any blessings that God brings our way and have faith that He will get us through the rough patches. 

Cheers to 2015! 

Mommy diary: pg 34

Isabella:

Hey baby girl, mama misses you.

You know how much I love you, sometimes so much that it hurts.
You also know by now, that I packed some of your things away:
the cute onesie's your tia Xoch bought for you last CHRISTmas,
the baby jammies dad and I bought for you,
your very first baby blanket that I should have wrapped you in at birth and brought you home in.

They have stayed in your corner in mama's closet, all this time. 
Sadly, I am brought to tears when I go into my closet....your items never moved...they never made it into your nursery, never made it into your drawers, you  never wore them, they still have the price tags on them and that breaks mama's heart every time I find myself staring at your things.
I've wrapped your items into a gift and one day it will be your gift to your future sibling, that I pray I will be blessed with.


I imagined  by now that I would be pregnant again. Instead I sent you a sister to play with. 
Mama can be so selfish sometimes because I wish I could have kept you both.  I wish my arms weren't empty at this moment, I wish my heart didn't ache as much as it does.  I promised you that I would make your home in my heart and I promised that I would keep it  filled with only LOVE. I'm sorry if I sometimes let the fear, anger and loneliness creep in. Mama is only human....and that's a weakness I am flawed with.  All of this love I have for you makes me yearn for reciprocation.  I want to feel your kisses, your warmth, smell your baby breath, hear the sweet sound of your giggles, look into your eyes and see your father, run my fingers through your curls that match my own.  I have imagined you before I even knew I was pregnant and it's what keeps me going.  Cause one day, we will be blessed with your sibling and he/she will remind me of you. 

We are coming up on 1 year of your angelversary, but before that 1 year mark comes....I need to survive these holidays.  The holidays that should have been your first! Stay with me in my darkness, be my light and get me through it.

Mama loves you Isabella Rae

Mommy diary: pg.33

I'm such a planner.

I think ahead all of the time. 

My husband and I go through clearance items after the holidays because we are always planning for the following year. 

Which explains why today as we unpacked CHRISTmas - I found a tiny little Christmas baby shoe ornament, labeled "baby's 1st Christmas."

Last Christmas season was such a happy time for us. We announced our pregnancy to my family and New Year's Eve we announced it to the world. We spent these weeks and the few following on cloud 9. So of course- we clearanced shopped for 3-6mth old holiday baby outfits (which are still hanging in my closet next to other items we were gifted).

Now here I am today organizing and bringing out Christmas.  I never imagined finding this ornament.  To be honest I had forgotten all about it.  Yet I stood there with a blank stare on my face and this huge knot in my throat as I stared at the bottom of the ornament bag. Holding back tears because I'm so tired of crying.   I recently hid a bunch of people on fb  because I didn't want reminders or triggers. Well what a surprise I gave myself today.  A year ago I planned ahead to spend this very first Christmas with my baby and honor the holiday with a cute ornament. Who knows....Perhaps this would become a tradition, daddy buying her a new one every year. Yet, today it proved to be a huge trigger.  Slap in my face. 

Mommy diary: pg 32

Support. Even if you don't want it, in some shape or form - it's there. At least that's how it is when you have a family like mine.

I know that they don't know what to say or how to say it. Most times they don't understand how I am feeling or what I need. 

The most important thing is that they show up. So far, they haven't failed me. They have exceeded the expectations I may have had in the beginning because I was and sometimes still am in such a lonely place that I believe that I am alone. When in reality, that is far from the truth. 

I said to them all week that I understood if they didn't make it out to this healing walk. I truly meant it when I said it too. Even on the drive up- I was only really sure that one other person besides my husband would be attending with me. 

Made me so happy to have them there with me. It truly was an amazing experience and I'm excited to attend their other events as well. 

Mommy Diary: pg 31

As a child, I would categorize the time of the year as follows: summer break, winter break - school days, weekends. . . . this followed into my college years.  As a working adult, my categories transitioned into: Monday through Friday, then "hello weekend, good bye to summer and winter breaks!!"  Although, I have returned to enjoying summer and winter breaks, now that I work for the school district, I seem to tell time differently now.

Let's label this as TTC (trying to conceive) time.
Each month is broken up into 4 categories:

Shark week: that 5-7 day period where I am miserable because aunt flow has now made her appearance. I spend it moping around the house, feeling all the regular symptoms any other female feels with the added emotional stress of completely failing to get pregnant the month before.

Ovulation week: also a 3-5 day gap, sometimes longer, where I try to politely, initiate sex, without  pressuring him or letting him know how the next few days are super important and will determine the rest of the month for me. No pressure babe, but just so you know, I have prepped for this for some time now, and let's make the most of the next few days. Oh yahhhhh, cause that is such a turn on. Being on a schedule sucks.

The next 2 weeks (TWW - two week wait): I wait, somewhat patiently. Thinking about all the prep I had to do this month, the temping, the frequent urinating at certain hours of the day.  The numerous tests I threw out because I was certain I did it wrong.  Can I add that I am still concerned if I am even testing correctly?? What if my ovulating days are completing off? Just imagine all the "what if's?"  The added stress leading up to 5 days before my next period, because then I get anxious.  I am tempted to start to do at home pregnancy tests, hoping to catch an early detection.  I try to hold out as long as i can, but almost every month without fail, I test early, sometimes twice and so far, big fat negatives, which are followed up with that rude appearance that aunt flow makes to announce the beginning of Shark week.

2 more months of this and then we start looking into other options to help us conceive. 

Mommy diary: pg 30

I come here more often now. 

It's always the same.

Peaceful. Quiet. Birds chirping. Breeze running through the trees, making the leaves shake. 

I don't like it here.

Sometimes I want to dig you up and take you with me. 

Sounds crazy, huh.

I can sit here for so long and just imagine my life with you. Your first Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas. 

Christmas......I have 3mth onesies hanging in the closet still. Two of them. 

Then I imagine, years down the road, you running into my arms, calling me "mommy".

Missing you isn't even the word. 

You are a missing piece of me. 

You are missing from my life.

My life will never be the same.

I will never be the same. 

Infant and pregnancy loss awareness

A tiny pink stone. So small that it fits in my hand. I placed it in my pocket and all day I found myself squeezing it between my fingers. Daddy gifted it to me just yesterday and he said I should keep a piece of him with me all day long, but today I had you girls on my mind and strangely, that little pink stone brought me so much comfort. I felt you with me. After all, you were a piece of him and a piece of me, wrapped up in your little beings. 

I miss you every day. As I'm sure I will miss u forever. 

I wish I could have given you my warmth.

I wish I could have smothered you with kisses.

I wish daddy could have rocked you while singing you to sleep. 

I pray to God that you both know how much you were wanted, how much you are loved and how much you are missed.

My continuous burning candle, I hope it shines bright tonight for you girls and all of the angel babies.  I learned about this day a year or two ago. A classmate of mine, had suffered a loss and via social media, I became aware of this Remembrance Day. I lit a candle that year for her son. 

Never in my life could I imagine that fast forward a few years and here I am lighting a candle for not one, but two angel babies. 

 

Mama loves you 😘

Mommy diary: pg 29

When I show up "on time" to his work for pick up and he already has the door open for me, usually means he is working OT and I have to wait in the office, where it's always nice and cool and his manager is such a nice person, I don't mind it all. 

Except for today. 

I walk in, put my things down and I hear something - I can't say it's a familiar sound because "am I really hearing baby coos in his office?"

 I walk out into the hallway and in his managers office is a small baby, tiny little thing. I rush by and head for the bathroom, where I try to collect myself. I'm fine. I'm okay. Just walk back to the main office where you always wait and make small talk, a quick hello, so I'm not labeled rude, but don't make contact with baby, or you will surely lose it. 

So I have my head straight and I step out of the bathroom, pick up my head and walk forward, then mom (I'm assuming she's mom) is now in my path way holding said baby. Wow, this will be awkward. We stop, say hello and just as I get the courage to acknowledge the baby, I reach out towards his little chubby hands and as I'm about to grab and caress his hand, mom takes a step to the side, making his hand out of reach for me, not thinking, I try once more and almost intentionally now, she moves to another side and my hand misses his hand again. This time I take the hint and in the same breath that it takes for me to say goodbye, I'm already heading back to the main office, not looking back to give the baby one more glance. 

Not sure if I am imagining her not allowing me to make physical contact with her child- she doesn't know me personally, but isn't it normal for people to acknowledge babies with a touch. I'm not sure anymore. I've spent so much time avoiding babies all together. 

Maybe there is this great big flashing sign on my forehead that reads "danger: can't carry own children to term, proceed with caution!"

Vent over. Can't wait to be home, in my bubble, where nobody judges me or at least I won't feel like anyone is judging me. 

I win!

Earlier this evening I trimmed and filed my natural nails down because the length was getting long. I don't think I have ever done that in my life. Nail biting has been such an ugly habit of mine. It's crazy to think that in the midst of the toughest battles with anxiety, depression and full on chaos that has been my life the last few months - I have control of this one thing. This may seem trivial to many of you, but it's a huge triumph for me, because in January, I suffered one of the biggest betrayals of my life and it's taken me so long to forgive myself. I'm a work in a progress and just like stepping off a scale for a person struggling with weight loss, can be a victory, trimming down my natural nails is a victory in itself for me. Self control, self motivation, 1 win for me and 1 loss for this body of mine (you two faced bitch). I hate myself on most days, but today..... I'm a winner. 

Mommy diary: pg 28

My dearest Isabella:

Today, I should have spent countless hours awaiting your arrival! The first sounds should have been that cry of yours!

God had other plans for you, but that doesn't take away from the pain that still lingers. I miss you! I think I'll always miss you. Thank you for showing me love. I've learned this very different type of love and only you could have impacted my life in such a way to show me it. The unconditional love, the love that grows with every passing day. The type of love that needs no memory because you were mine all along and I am yours forever.

I make no excuses for my grieving of your absence and I no longer care to remember who I was before I lost you. To be honest, the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was a changed woman. 

A mommy changes with a child and just because I don't have you here in my arms that doesn't take away from the fact that I changed too! I'll never be the person I was before you, but I hope to get pass the bumps and be a better me!! I owe this all to you. 

You would have loved your family! Mama started to receive birthday messages for you very early this morning. They all made sure to join in on the birthday celebration for you. Near or far, you were thought of by many.  

 Your grandpa had some beautiful words for you, I hope it made you feel extra special!!! 

Enjoy your birthday with all of our family members in heaven! Love you Isabella Rae!!

 

Daddy + Mama 8.30.14

Mommy Diary: pg. 27

Difficult Days for Miscarriage Survivors:


1. The Due Date.  The days up to this day are also difficult, but on the actual day, I imagine it being the hardest.  I am currently in the days leading up to  my due date (8.30) I can't imagine how difficult that day will be.  I am praying that I have the support I need and that I survive this day, like I have survived every day after my loss(es).

2. The Anniversary of Loss.  (1.23.14 + 6.19.14)   On these days, I imagine myself reliving every moment leading up to my miscarriage(s).  The trauma of passing both babies at home, naturally, the grueling recovery time and the symptoms and emotional trauma that lasted for months and to be honest hasn't subsided much since. 



3. Mother’s Day. Every Mother's day from here on out will mean something different.  I pray that one day, I will be celebrated by my husband and my living children. Meanwhile, I celebrate with my angel babies and my wonderful supportive husband, who did his very best to comfort me this year.  To the many friends and family members who sent me a greeting this year,  I hope you know how much that meant to me because you not only remembered me, but you remembered my babies! Its nice to know that I am not the only one who thinks of my angel babies.  I am a mommy!!


4. October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.   It's quite comforting to know that I am not alone in this group that no mother wishes to be a part of. I recently learned of this date this year and come October, one more important date will be added to my October calendar, along with wedding anniversary and our favorite time of the year.


5. The Day You Find Out You’re Pregnant Again. I didn't expect to have this date so soon after my first loss, but the day I found out I was pregnant, just three short months after we lost Isabella, was also the same day I found out that we were miscarrying again.  Too short of a time to feel anything at all, except hopelessness.  Now, I imagine, that on the day we find out that we are expecting again, I will experience every emotion ranging from fear to pure  joy.  


6. The Day (or often days) You Hear about the Pregnancies of Others. This is getting easier, but as long as it isn't too close to home, I can deal.  Seeing babies, especially newborns, who are about the same age my Isabella would be, is and I think always will be difficult. 


7. Other Holidays that Might Remind Us of Our Loss.  Every and any holiday, but only time will tell when I'll be able to attend gatherings.  


Losing a child changes us.  Not just for the first few days, or weeks or months.

Losing a child changes us, not just for the first year, but for life. 

I'm drowning and you are standing three feet away, yelling "learn how to swim!"

I just had this rare, but much appreciated conversation with my priest about life.  The topic of Robin Williams death was brought up. I had to explain to him a little about depression and the apparent suspected suicide. He seemed at first to ask questions like "why?" and "depressed for what?"  very innocent like questions.  I never thought I would have to break down a brief description of depression to a man of GOD. As I reflect now, I can justify the why. He is a man of God and if people have God in their lives, they are happy and that is enough.   God puts us first in all situations, why wouldn't we put HIM at the forefront of our lives, to fight our battles and to shield us from pain and harm.  I am not naive to the fact that pain and hurt are a part of our lives, but I find comfort in knowing I do not fight my battles alone, EVER!

Well, maybe sometimes.....

Yesterday, was a tough day for me, personally. As I have been in a battle myself and I struggle with giving God the reigns and then initiate a game of tug-of-war with HIM to try and tackle life by myself.  I can find myself in the deepest of mental breakdowns and let me not sugar coat this for any of you, I AM LIVING WITH DEPRESSION.  It's an ugly monster who spears it's head in and out of my daily tasks.  I know what it's like to cry in the shower so that no one hears me, to wait until my husband falls asleep before I fall apart. To avoid any and all situations where a possible trigger can occur.  Keeping my family at bay and putting on a smile to not make anyone feel uncomfortable, cause the once -cheery, bring-my-own-sunshine, bubbly, free-spirited girl, now carries a rain cloud around and doesn't even bother to use an umbrella, cause oh you know, lightning might strike and that would be on a good day. 

I, honestly, don't remember what it's like to not feel broken.

As I had this conversation with my priest, and I am spewing out all this information regarding: depression, anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns....somewhere deep in my brain I also wonder, why he hasn't asked me the one question  that will send me for a loop "why are you so informed on this topic?" My reaction would show my weakness and let him know, that I am so informed about this topic, because it is very simple.....yet not so simple at all...... I am a victim.  This very thought of exposing myself, in my workplace, scares me to the core and I quickly change the subject, offer up prayers to Robin Williams and his family and suggest that an excerpt regarding depression and suicide be arranged into this week's homily.  Then I quickly excuse myself and exit to my office, where I can break down behind closed doors and hide out until lunch time.

 D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N

Most people know the what and the why? they just don't know the how? 

How to move forward, how to smile again.

Close your mouth, because unfortunately, unless you have been in their situation, you do not know the right words to say and more times than not, your words will hurt and cause more harm than good. So extend your hand to help, extend your ear and listen. If you know someone who is depressed and you're worried about them, REACH OUT! Don't just assume it'll go away. Depression is a life crippling monster, that affects anyone! It does not discriminate! Whether or not you understand why someone has depression, that does not matter because they may not understand it either.....what matters is you trying to help! Don't ignore it.

I didn't much care that my news feed  on social media sites filled up with praises and remembrances for this man, an actor, somebody none of us know in person, but yet he touched millions of lives through his films, his comedy, his generosity and love of life.  Love of life! I say this with no disrespect, but how ironic.  

Robin William's will always be remembered for the good and the great man that he was, but it is my hope, that his death will also hold some meaning and help raise awareness. Nobody is immune to that ugly disease, not the strong, not the faithful and surely not the ones who have it all.  

I hope you find the peace you so desperately needed.

Rest in paradise Robin Williams

Sensitive

A small vent here.

I had a "mommy necklace" gifted to me.
It arrived in such a great timing, on a day where I was feeling so sad and only had my babies on my mind. 
I took my usual walk to the mailbox, like I do every night and wasn't even surprised that a package was there because it isn't unusual for an avid online shopper, like myself, to have multiple packages in the box.


It was, however, a surprise when I opened it and found a tiny little necklace, with a mommy charm and the birthstones to match my babies birth dates. I cried happy tears, for the first time in what seems like forever. I put it on that very instant with my husband kindly reminding me of my sensitive skin.  I told him, I'd wear it anyway. 

I'm sad today, cause after about a week of wearing it, I can no longer stand the itchiness, and the redness that is now visible.  It will go in my jewelry box, where the rest of my necklaces, bracelets, watches, earrings and rings have made a permanent home, until the very,very, very special occasion that I will risk wearing them, if only for a few hours.  

Different Shades of Pain

Emotional pain comes in different waves. 
Some pain will come and go with time and other pain you learn to live with over time.

The depth of each pain is different.

The scratch:
This is the type of pain that hurt you and you'll live with it for a few days and watch it heal slowly as you tend to it and nurse the wound back to health. It will then scab up and when you are ready you can simply scratch it away and be done with it.

The flesh wound:
This pain, cut deep. Tears flowed heavily and the heart took a beating.  The healing process is much longer and that wound will heal, but at any given moment, with any glimpse of a reminder, it will reopen and the same pain will return and sometimes much greater. It becomes a vicious cycle. You can still forgive the pain, but you will never forget.

The scar:
Caused by the deepest pain of all.  You live with this pain every day.  It weighs heavy on your mind, heart and soul.  It broke you and the scar you bare is a constant, daily reminder of the pain.  You won't move on from it and it seems as though you will never forget. This is the pain you learn to live with.

At one point in your life, you gather several of these, but the scars, those are the ones that you carry with you always.  Never let your scars define you. Let them be reminders and life lessons.  I carry my scars on my heart and every day I am learning to live with them. Some days are harder than others. 

Back to that place where my mind starts to race

With your angelversary a few days away, I had already found this photo to post with some words so that you would know that you are thought of. You know that lately I have been so obsessed with time, dates and different timelines. It's really sad now that I stop to think about it. My life in the last six mths has been plagued with this crazy keeping time cycle, counting the wks and days and engraving dates that pain my heart and puts my mind in this craze. 

I'm good with numbers though, that's why it's easy for them to etch themselves in my head and never leave. My husband thinks it's scary how fast I can sound out his SSN and then I tell him "it's easy, here's my moms, and my dad's" we just laugh. 

I think of you everyday, but it's been of memories that make me smile and laugh and moments that remind me of you.

Tonight, was just pain and hurt and this urge to leave with the quickness  because the overwhelming feeling was suffocating me. 

I went back to place where I last saw you alive. The place where I last heard your voice, that hospital that I spent one of my last nights with you. Cause you had so much fight in you and even up until the last few days you were giving those nurses a hard time. Makes me laugh just remembering that small part of me that would be embarrassed.Thankfully   very few of them knew Spanish and couldn't understand although I am sure my blushing cheeks gave it away.

I miss you grandma. I know you hear me. I talk to you every day. I just wish I could hear you, Feel you, smell you. 

Kiss my babies for me, tell them about me... Cause if I had them here with me, they would know what an amazing grandma you were to me. 

One of my last conversations with you was about my family planning. You were more concerned with my heart condition and I was preparing myself and selfishly thinking that my children would never get to meet you. How very wrong I was. I like to think that you greeted them in heaven and that they know love and warmth from a mother. Te quiero tanto mi reina, pero aqui me haces mucha falta. 

Mommy Diary: page 26

I'm at work now, and it's hit me.  The tired feeling. The "let me put my head down for a second and pass out" phase.  I get little to no sleep lately. I just can't fall asleep. I think too much. Can't make my mind stop.  I don't want to rely on sleeping aids to get my rest. So I'm doing things as best I can. Which seems to not be working.

Yesterday's trigger:  Spent a good time at work, it's been crazy here lately. Visited with my niece at my mom's, then got home close to ten (this is a normal time).  I walked out to the mail and I received a target gift discount in the mail. It read something along the lines of your due date is almost here, and to be honest I stopped reading.

My due date would almost be here, the due date for my first angel, Isabella Rae. A baby shower would have been had already and a nursery would be getting put together.  Instead, the  nursery has been converted to a guest bedroom and I spent this week, selling off baby clothes and baby accessories that my sister needed sold, when in reality, if my baby was still on track to being born, I more than likely would have kept all of the baby clothes and baby items, that my beautiful one year old niece no longer has use for. 

Lately I've been consumed with time. I count out weeks now. And I am about to start a new count- for the new loss. Adelina, is the name we chose. 

I have new dates to remember: how many weeks was I? How far along should I be? The date I miscarried.. How old she would be? Everything is overwhelming.  All I wanted was a birth date. Just a birth date and my baby. Now I have two angels and all of these different dates and times that mark a painful memory, but it's a memory I don't want to lose or forget because it's all I have of them. 

So this was my trigger yesterday.  It's nobody's fault. Not even mine. 
It just plain sucks.

that's all. 

sucks. 

Isabella Rae
due date: 8/30/2014
born in heaven date: 1/28/2014

Adelina
due date: 2/12/2015
born in heaven date: 6/19/2014

You're such a bitch!!!

Years ago...That statement alone would bring about a sense of pride and the biggest smile on my face. I prided myself in knowing that my personality was enough to piss people off. I would always laugh and a simple "thank you" was a response to that statement.

Simply put: I am strong headed, opinionated and rarely do I filter my thoughts. However, if I'm treated with respect, you'll be treated with respect. 

It isn't rocket science. Nobody likes to be walked over and nobody likes to be pushed around.

With that being said, I am also a giver a lover and if you are in need; I will do all that I can to provide, to be there and to make sure you are whole again. I'll make sure to keep you afloat even if it means I'll be drowning in the long run. That's just me. A fixer. Probably a symptom of being the oldest. 

I would hope that for the most part, The majority of you have only seen this side of me and very few of you have experienced the bitch part of me. 

The one person whom I sympathize with is my husband. Unfortunately, I can admit that he falls victim to the bitch in me on many occasions and very frequently because I don't hold back when it comes to him. It sucks when you stop to think about it. Your life partner, the person you go home to, the one who knows you, is always the one who sees both sides of you, the good and the bad. 

I'll be the first to admit, I am not an easy person to live with. I'm surprised he has stuck around as long as he has...I mean, it works both ways, but I'm not writing this to point out his flaws. This is about me and now I can realize that even after all the years ....we have managed to take the good and the bad in each other and still love each other. 

Something has changed though.... We are getting older. We are no longer that high school couple that can take a break and just let things cool off. We're married.  

We are in a changing phase in our lives, he just hit thirty and I'm almost there. Parenthood is hovering over us and sooner than later we will have another life to put first. 

So, my point being, that the "you're such a bitch" statement coming from him, kinda stings a little bit, now. 

I still let out a laugh here and there, but it sits with me. 

I don't want to be that person anymore. I can be better. I can still carry the strong headed, opinionated personality with unfiltered thoughts, but how I speak them to my husband has to change.  

We don't have a perfect marriage and we also don't have the worse, but it can always be better. So my contribution to the betterment of my marriage is to sit the bitch on the bench!! 

I'm not putting her away completely. Not sure I can make such a big stride, but benching her is safe. 

Mommy Diary: page 25

This is MY safe zone.  I can blog about my emotions, fears, hopes and I can do so without any judgement.

I'm not sure I've put much thought into what's being going on with me personally. 

This second miscarriage isn't sinking in. 

I feel that if I grieve for this second angel of mine, I am taking away from Isabella (my first angel).
Even that right there is a huge deal for me. ISABELLA - I named my first angel.  I gave her a name because she is real... she lived her intended life span and she was named.

My second angel isn't named - yet.

I didn't know of this pregnancy until I was already miscarrying.  I was afraid to name the baby because I was too afraid to acknowledge the reality of my second miscarriage.  Naming the baby would make it real.
As if the first miscarriage wasn't traumatic enough for me - going through a second one was something I wasn't ready for.  Something I DID NOT want.  So, I went about my days very different in this miscarriage than I did the first.  I didn't even take time off from work right away. I finished up the last few days of the school year and then, only then, did I devote myself to bed rest.  Some would question that decision, but I was not putting myself or my body or the baby in any additional risk. 

Now that this second miscarriage has come to a complete end.  I can begin with the healing.  My body will bounce back soon enough, it''s already working in a faster timeline in comparison to the first miscarriage. 
Once, my body is back to normal, my heart and soul can begin to heal.  Only then, because meanwhile I heal my body, these doctor visit's for post miscarriage are taking it's toll.  They are necessary for my overall well being, given into account that my body is fragile and my health is a big factor.  So when i go on these visits, I am much like a Zombie. I avoid any visual or physical contact with mommies and their newborns to shield my heart and I always, always, always have head phones on so that I do not accidentally hear the sound of a baby's heart beat as I pass from one room to the next.  You won't believe how thin the walls are in the office. 

Overall, Ive kept myself together this time around.


Last night, as I watched the movie "Heaven is For Real" I felt a guilt in my heart for not naming my angel. For those of you who have seen the movie, you'll know which scene I am referring to and for those of you haven't - go watch it. It's a must see!  I don't want my angel to be in heaven nameless. So tonight, along with my husband, we will name this angel of ours. 

Update: we named our second angel - Adelina

A Letter I'll never Send: page 3

This time last year I was wishing you a happy birthday and hoping that you were enjoying it with your loved ones. We sent you a gift, which was returned, but that's ok. 

Today marks your 14th birthday and although things are not perfect, I am happy that we are in contact and that We've spent the last couple months catching up and making new memories. 

I can't promise you the world or that things will get easier. I can't promise that the confusion you still feel will go away tomorrow. What I can promise is that I'm going to be here if you need an ear to vent, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to laugh with about crazy things we do or say. 

Happy birthday Alyssa Nikole!

2 hrs 40 mins

I'm a bookkeeper for a church.
My office sits directly behind the secretaries office.
We are divided by a hallway, but on cool mornings like today, I keep my door open to let the sunshine in. 
Her office is illuminated with light, she has so many windows. The front door office faces the church and I can see the stained glass windows. 

I rarely ever have contact with our parishioners or the public.  I never take any calls or receive faxes for service requests.  However, the secretary needed coverage this morning, so I've been on phone duty.  So far in the hour that I've been answering calls, I've had five separate calls for funeral requests.  A minute ago a sixth call from a funeral home. I didn't answer. I figured the secretary could hear messages on the answering machine just as well as reading my written notes. Three rings....four rings.... "Hi, you've reached St. ," my voice is on the answering machine.  I've decided not to answer calls any more this morning.  I'm too vulnerable to hear about death. I can't offer any consolation to the other person on the other end. I know the grief of loss that they are feeling. What can I possibly say to them? I would be spewing out hypocrisy, lies, the same automated responses people say to me. Even as I write this I know that I am not in a place to give advice.  I LOVE GOD, I KNOW GOD, and I KNOW MY FAITH., but today and probably tomorrow, I am a hurting  mother who is going through something that no mother should ever have to go through especially for the second time......and I am tired.

A new ring tone is coming from her office. Not the office phone...it's the fax.  I walk into her office and examine the faxes already sitting in the machine as the new one prints out.  Trash, trash, trash.. all junk mail!

As the fax prints, I can already see it's a funeral request.  I pull it out and start to read, beautiful name!

Age: 2 hrs, 40 mins
Cause of death:  prematurity

For that one moment, alone in the front office, I cried tears that I thought I no longer had.
And as I read the mother and fathers name, I felt a sense of jealousy.

Jealous of the 2hrs and 40 mins that mother got to hold her child in her arms.
Jealous of the 2hrs and 40 mins that she got smell her child, kiss her child.

I'm human.
I'm a sinner.
I'm a mother.

Mommy diary: pg 24

This month, I should be planning a baby shower for you, taking maternity photos, adding touches to your nursery. Instead I'm sad all over again cause mommy is trying her best to rest and make sure your brother or sister stays safe. I know exactly what is happening, but I'm not ready to admit it to myself. 

Mama loves you Isabella

Please watch over me and your little sibling! I'm probably more scared than I would like to admit. Losing you was the hardest thing for me this far and going through another loss is heartbreaking all over again. 

Mommy diary: pg 23

I suffered my first miscarriage in jan 2014.

I am currently suffering through a second. 

I wasn't ready to be pregnant again.

I didn't know I was pregnant again.

My body reacted in such a familiar way it's scary how much the body can tell you. I knew exactly what was happening to me and all I needed was a confirmed pregnancy. I got that today. I am in fact pregnant, but miscarrying. 

How is it possible that it took us 3yrs to conceive our first baby and then lose her at 10wks and this time I got pregnant so fast, without even planning.

I am confused, in denial and hate hate hate that my body is doing this to me again. I wasn't ready to be pregnant and I sure as hell was not ready to miscarry for a second time in less than six mths. 

I'm not okay. 

I hope God knows what HE is doing with me and I am praying HE gives me the strength to accept what HE has planned for me and to get through everything up ahead.

Mommy diary: pg 22

My first ultrasound was in an ER. I didn't get to see. Everything was so routine, so fast, zero bedside manners. This was my first pregnancy, my first baby and although my husband was there, they didn't allow him to come to ultrasound room and it was his first experience also, so we didn't do much more than what we were told. A few days later I was back in a different hospital ER and this time my husband went to exam rm with me, he was in a position to see and he got to hear the heart beat. I was overwhelmed this time and in pain that I didn't pay attn, this was the evening they told me I was miscarrying. I had to wait the wknd and a holiday on Monday, so didn't see my OB til a few days, she did scans and with my mom and my husband in the room, they all saw the screen, but I didn't. Nobody said anything, but I knew from the way my husband squeezed my arm. So when the dr said they couldn't find my baby and that she was on her way out, I wasn't surprised. My nightmare had officially began. Once I dressed and composed myself I asked for my scans, they said there was nothing there and I said yes, my babies first home is there, the sac. I want to see it. That is the only image I have. 

Mommy diary: page 21

27 wks 3 days is how far a long I should be right now. 

You know I've had the past 24 hrs to gather my thoughts. I think I know why it's been so hard for me to actually grasp the reality of your loss.

I mean, I know, because I gave birth to you, I held you and I was there when we buried you. I know. 

However, I should still be pregnant and if I know my mind as well as I think I do, I can guarantee my mind is holding onto the fact that technically I shouldn't have you in my arms yet. Sept 7th. That's the day. The day you should be in my arms. 

When that day comes and when it goes, there still won't be a baby in my arms. Who knows where I'll be. Or if my mind is going to comprehend this tremendous loss then. My heart. It has suffered a heartache and it will always ache and that missing piece will stay empty forever. As for my mind, I can't guarantee the state it will be when it gets rocked with such a dreadful reality. I just hope GOD doesn't leave my side, because when that reality hits, I won't be able to stand it. 

Mommy diary: pg. 20

My husband and I are rarely home. We live such busy lives outside our homes, but it's nice to get home early on a weekday, have time to cook, clean and enjoy a redbox.  This was our evening last night.  We even had the chance to sit on our new patio furniture and enjoy the neighborhood kids, racing their bikes.  

Back to the redbox: a while back I came across a movie on an online movie site, that I started to watch before it started buffering out. I lost patience that day and never tried to re-watch it.  So when I saw it in the redbox, I grabbed it.  The movie is titled Labor Day, with Kate Winslet and a familiar looking actor (his name slips my mind). Movie spoiler from this point on.  I popped it in while I cooked dinner and my husband automatically recognized the narrator's voice and asked if I was watching spider man? Ummmmm, no! I guess the narrator's voice was Tobey Maguire's voice. 

 

So, moving forward we realize right away it's some type of love story, with a mysterious twist.  It's rather slow, but keeps our interest, because the main character is running from the law for something he did or didn't do in his past. I am watching bits and pieces cause I am cooking, but then the focus turns on Kate Winslet (supporting actress in the movie), I thought I had her depression figured out from the get-go: husband leaves her for another woman, she is left as a single mom. I didn't quite expect at all that the story line behind her depression was based on miscarriage(s) and a stillborn.  I was completely caught off guard and didn't know what to do with my emotions. The tv screen captured my attention, all of me was wrapped in the scenes that depicted HER STORY.  I tried my best to not fall apart, but that was almost impossible, and my husband realized right away and offered a touch of support, which was all I needed.  I watched every scene and every moment.  I understood the aftermath of it all, also.  

 

This movie night brought about an unexpected whirlwind of emotions for me.  I just had to share to help me filter through my thoughts.  I can't quite explain the amount of confusion I have right now, in regards to hope and fear. This is a new battle. Oh boy, I wasn't ready for this battle.  I like to rely on hope and faith. However, I wish I was that girl that use to say "Oh that won't ever happen to me."

 

Now, the main character, well he was a father to a child who he later found out wasn't his at all; also something we are familiar with. However, my husband didn't seem too worked up about that. Men are so different.  This may be a discussion he and I will discuss at a later moment, because he may still be processing. 

Overall, it was a good movie, and a good night in the Regalado Household.