Mommy diary: page 6

In less than 12hrs I get to find out the fate of this precious gift from God that I've nurtured inside me for almost 2mths. A baby who has a name already even though we don't know the gender. A baby who stole my heart and took daddy's breath away from the moment we knew we had conceived our miracle baby. 

I've put all of this in God's hands. This is his child to begin with. He decides and I'm ok with that. It's been a struggle to not be angry, but my love for HIM is greater than any fear or resentment. 

A little prayer for my husband and I tonight, so that we can face and accept whatever tomorrow brings. A bigger prayer for our baby, who is loved by so many already. Good night friends! 

Mommy Diary: page 5

Woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I must have cried in my sleep. I don't remember if I dreamt about it or if it was real, but then your daddy rolled over and asked me if he should stay home from work to keep me company and at that moment I was reminded of the ugly truth. 

I am in a transition period... Waiting is the game. I want so badly to keep you. To let you make my body your home for the next few months, to hear your heart beat (I have yet to hear it) to feel you move and kick my ribs, dance on my bladder. 

My body seems to have other plans... So we wait. The next few days may determine if you get to stay and it breaks my heart to know I do not have a choice. 

Mommy Diary: pg. 4

I am now in week 8.  
It's weird how many different things my body can feel at once.  
I am ALWAYS thirsty, nothing seems to quench my thirst long enough before I am complaining again about how thirsty I am.
I have yet to experience weird cravings and I can still eat everything with the exception of cheese (I LOVE CHEESE)! 
Nausea has been a constant, but so far hasn't led me to actually getting sick. 

Yesterday, I developed the weirdest annoyance with my shoes and socks! Hear me out before you think I am weird.  I wanted to be barefoot, yes even in this cold! Then at night my feet felt frozen, so I scrambled for some socks, only to get annoyed once again and slide them off having to settle with wedging my feet between my husbands legs for some warmth without the restriction of socks. Needless to say, I had very little sleep last night, could not find comfort long enough to sleep!

Today, I was barefoot until I came to the office for a bit where I decided to try out the socks with shoes again. I made it 45 mins! Now I am barefoot, in my office.  I explained this craziness to my husband and he reminded me that there is such a term as "barefoot and pregnant" I just always assumed these women were "barefoot and pregnant" in the summer months.  My feet can't handle the winter, geeze! I'll probably want to be naked come Spring!! 

I have never really been a "hot" person.  More times than not, the words that come out of my mouth are "I'm cold". My fingertips are always frozen and I use my husband's always HOT hands to warm me up. So this is definitely something very new to me. I'm going to have to get a cute pedicure and find me some cute sandals, cause Winter Break is almost over and I will need some comfy sandals to go back to work, if I can't get over this crazy annoyance with shoes and socks!

Still think I am weird?  Any crazy annoyances you mommy's have experienced?

Mommy diary: pg.3

I feel pretty normal, if sleeping all day is normal. Really glad I am on winter break right now and I can enjoy sleeping all day. 

I'm only really experiencing a superwoman power in smell. I can smell everything. Some smells that I use to enjoy, I cannot stand. I have some anxiety as well, which I am trying to overcome. Must be the nerves and all the questions I still need answered by a doctor. I just have to remember, ONE day at a time!!!!

Changes will be coming and I plan to enjoy them all, good and bad! Being a mommy is something I've wanted for so long and I am completely overjoyed to actually be experiencing a pregnancy with MY own child. 

Oh, car sickness! Yes I am experiencing that as well! 

Today, daddy and I went Christmas clearance shopping, a yearly tradition and we did some shopping for baby too.    

Boy or girl? You will be nice and warm in a onesie with cute footsies!! 

New year, new blessings... Life goes on!

2013, was quite the year. It's sad to think that all that stands out is the loss, the pain, the funerals, the grief and the aftermath of it all! 

However, there are a few highlights....

Home wise:  my husband and I are finally in a place we call home, not because we own it, but because we can make it ours and we are comfortable here. We spent out first Christmas in a home, which is something we have not done in three years, because every Christmas past we were moving in or out of a place.

Job wise: I landed a job with the school district, a job that I absolutely love and really feel like I am moving in the right direction. 

Marriage life: tony and I have both had huge losses this year and our marriage was rocked, and although the winds will rock us, we will not sink because God is our anchor and we are starting this new year with a blessing and something or should I say someone to look forward to. 

We will be entering a new stage in life together, parenthood! I for one, am extremely nervous. this baby is giving me butterflies similar to the same butterflies daddy still gives me! I am so in love with our baby already and cannot wait to hear his/her heartbeat, feel the movements and finally see that beautiful face. 

Cheers to the new year and may you all be blessed! 

I hate the C word

The very first book I ever read by the author Jodi Picoult was "My Sister's Keeper," and since then I've been a fan. I read this book years before it was made into a movie (many of her titles have been made into LifeTime movies as well). Every once in a while I would pick up My Sister's keeper and reread from cover to cover. It's story was filled with strength and love. Still on my nightstand and will always be a favorite.

When my husbands niece was diagnosed with cancer in 2012, it was a huge shock. I remember my husband and I laying in bed the morning before we were suppose to drive up to see her (his birthday) and we just held each other in silence, so much silence his heart thundered in his chest until my tears broke that silence and only then was when I realized he was crying all along. This cancer shook us, but didn't break us. It was our first experience and it was new to us all. For months on end we watched her fight, she grew spiritually and all of her strength and will came from her faith in God. The girl we were told to take home and make comfortable is still here with us today and we are blessed. 

I remember thinking as I laid next to her in her hospital bed, running my fingers down her arm "spiders" is what she called it, how stubborn I was to not face the fact that she may not be here the next day. I would think to myself that it would only hurt more if I stayed in denial, but those same thoughts would be chased away by my faith which reminded me to never lose hope and to continue to believe because as long as she was fighting we would fight with her. 

In august of this year, the C word made its second appearance and this time my husband took the hardest hit because his father fought for two long months before losing his battle. Although we were experienced and knew exactly what questions to ask, how to advocate for him and what to expect, his cancer was too advanced. The loss is still so fresh. 

Now tonight I sit here with a lump in my throat, knot in my stomach and a man on my mind! A man who I have so much in common with, its scary. A man who can get under my skin so fast, it's ridiculous. A man who has loved me since the first day he laid eyes on me. A man who doesn't need to say he loves me, I just know.  Tomorrow's call will determine what kind of year we have in 2014. I am praying for the best and preparing for the worst. No matter what I'm not going anywhere because he has never left me.

When I look back now, that book is just something so special to me. I am not sure why, but I felt connected to it for a reason. You know the feeling you get when you know something is happening for a reason....i have it, but the reason, i don't know why.....yet. 

2 CORINTHIANS 5:7

I can finally take a breath!

It's been a few long dark weeks.. And finally a light is shining through. 

I was rocked

I was tested

I almost gave in

You wouldn't know this because I am strong enough to go about my day as usual, but when I am home, especially when I am alone, that's where my worries take me over. They find me there and work on breaking me down. 

"How do you do it?" "What is your secret?" 

Faith sees me through, and faith gives me my strength. 

I will battle everything thrown my way because I am strong in my faith and God never gives me more than I can handle. 

Faith, Hope & Love