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So much I wish I could say

These tears of mine, choke me up and get in the way.

Instead I pray for you and hope it's enough

The world is ugly and it's going

To be tough. 

I offered my love, protection and faith. 

I stood by you and kept you grounded 

This grief has left you blinded. 

It's eating you up and swallowing you whole. 

It's entered you and made its home. 

I won't live there, no, not anymore. 

Grief and i, we can't be friends. 

In this battle, you've let him win. 

you can not die of grief
though it feels as if you can
a heart does not actually break
though sometimes your heart aches as it does
grief dims with time
there comes a day when you smile again
and you feel like a traitor
how dare i feel happy
how dare i be glad in a world where you are no more
and then you will realize
the biggest loss of a loved one
is your inability to continue living after they are gone
they have lost their life
you shouldn't lose yours

A letter I'll Never Send: Pg. 2

So I once told your dad, mark my words, she will reach out.  Children crave stability and one day we will be the ones she reaches out to.  

Two weeks ago, I don't know why or the reason behind it, but you reached out and we shared an awesome conversation.  We caught up and even planned to see each other. The last thing you said was that you would check with your mom and that was it.  I've sent you a few messages and nothing. I wish I had your number (why didn't I ask for it) I want to call and make sure you are okay.  I hope I said enough to you to let you know we are always here.  

I do not have any doubt that what  I am doing is the right thing.

Keeping this door open for you and this place in my heart for you is my choice.  

If I get hurt. I get hurt. end of story.

Mommy Diary: Pg.2

Quick Background:  At age 14, and after several trips to the ER from spontaneous black outs, doctor's discovered that my heart wasn't wired too well. Apparently I was born with a heart that essentially had wiring problems.  This extra nerve in my heart that could cause my whole  nervous system to whack out and cause my body to go into a state of shock, uncontrollable heart rate paired with sharp pains in my chest, shortness of breath and eventually a black out, would be the cause of many issues for me.

I had my first procedure to correct the problem in high school, it froze the nerve, but we later found out that it would be 3-5 years before I would need another corrective procedure.  Now, this heart issue, gave me lots of discomfort, but when I am in control it didn't hinder me from living my life.  That was until my last procedure, where the doctor's failed to correct it and claimed they could not find the nerve.....it disappeared? how? IMPOSSIBLE! So at 23, I was told "while you are not experiencing any symptoms, consider starting your family".  Well guess what? I was nowhere near ready to be a parent yet.  Although, I was with the man I knew I was going to marry ( I DID) we were not ready!! So I learned strategies to control my condition, alternate ways to get pass my episodes and avoid black outs. 

I am now 1 mth away from 28...and family planning is in full swing, despite some obstacles in that department....but of course it could never be that easy...welcome back into my life heart episodes!!! Back to my cardiologist I go, back to my medication regimen I go, back to carrying halter heart monitors, back to sticky patches that itch and hurt when I pull them off, back to being extra cautious and always keeping my bag with my alcohol wipes (to prevent the black outs) and brown paper baggies (to help pace my breathing). 

Once again, family planning is on hold.... and the timing couldn't be worse!