Babyshower 5.4.13

Your baby shower almost didn't happen. Mama was being tested for toxemia. Thank God the results were good and she was able to attend your baby shower. It was a success. Your Tia Xoch did a great job decorating 

Everyone helped out to make it happen. 

Grandma Meza and Tia crystal made sure your cake was perfect ....

Your mama was glowing and your were showered with love and many gifts!!! Our family and close friends were there and they are all ready to meet you. 

Evanni Meelah 💜

This is the spelling mom and dad have chosen for you..it may change, but as of today this is what it is. Your mom has spent the better part of this weekend in the hospital, starting on Friday. Her overnight on Friday evening was quite an experience because she heard a lot of pregnant women screaming from possibly giving birth. She says she isn't scared, but I bet she is anxious. Her hospital food was too bland so your dad ordered her a pizza (the one pregnancy craving she could not live without). He also brought her coldstones ice cream, even though she wanted baskin Robbins 31 flavors. She still enjoyed it. 

After that hospital stay and Mondays follow up your mom now knows she has preeclampsia. At week 37 mama will be induced. Which means in about 10days you will be here!!!! 

I am nervous, scared, anxious and excited!! Can't wait to meet you Evanni! 

Tia is overjoyed at the thought of you being here any day now! You are proving to be such a diva already.. Making us all run to the hospital every other day because you seem to be coming, but then you calm down. mama wants to cook you longer. Please take it easy on mama when you decide to bless us with your birth. 

Five days away . . . .

It's just a few days away. I know every year he looks forward to hearing from you.  His birthday and Father's day use to be the two days of the year that he was guaranteed to hear from you. However, last year...the calls didn't come. This year, I will hold my breath and maybe even try to keep him busy.  I'm afraid you won't call and I'm afraid of how it will hurt him.  He doesn't talk to me about you much lately...except to ask me how I think you are doing.  You give me a minimal look into your life via social networking, but he gets even less.  I know when he sits in his office and is just staring into space, it's because you are weighing heavy on his mind. I wish you hadn't changed your number or at least that you would have shared it with us. I miss you dearly and he misses you more.  I remind him that you are getting older and that it's only a matter of time before you reach out and we will hear from you again.  He fears that if you do run back to us it will be in rebellion against your mother and you know he always wants to keep that peace. 

I always wonder what you are thinking, how you are doing and if we ever cross your mind.  We have moved since you last lived with us and the room that should be yours in the new place has stayed empty.  We sold the twin bed you once used, with the plans to upgrade you to a full size bed.  I kept all your decor, but I'm sure you want to upgrade those too.  The clothes that hung in your closet will Definitely not fit you. I'm sure you have sprouted longer legs and are maturing into a young lady. I'm counting the months because saying years makes it a bit clearer to me that so much time has passed. 

If the day comes when you return, you won't come back as the day you left.  You are growing and we are missing it.

Feels like dejavu.  Actually, it's exactly that.  You disappeared from our lives once before.  When we finally got you back, it had been five years and a 3 year old is much different compared to an 8 year old.  We missed those years and I see it happening all over again. We are missing the years that you grow into a teenager. 

We understand and will continue to be patient.  You have endured so much in your short life. I just pray God is at your side and helping you deal with it all.  I pray He holds your hand like your daddy would and that He gives you that shoulder to cry on like I would.  

Five days away from your dad's birthday and all I can do is hold my breath. 

Love & miss you....

A letter I'll never send

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to hold my tongue sometimes. The motivation is that I know that God has a plan for you and that you will get to know Him one day and He will shed light on truth. Until then, I sit quietly and I pray for you that you will not be led too astray by your mother. She doesn’t like people and has a negative world view that will be passed onto you. One day, you will see Truth. But my prayer is that the lens of unconditional love will be removed and you will see your mother for what she is: A lost, broken, mentally unstable person who has parentified you and stolen your childhood as a result. I pray that God will restore to you your youth, your carefree days. I don’t hate your mother and I don’t want you to hate her. I want you to distance yourself from her manipulative, unhealthy and childish ways and establish yourself firmly in the goodness of Jesus Christ and have the self confidence of someone who has been taken care of her whole life, rather than the one who has taken care. I love you. I’m sorry when I use to tolerate you. I did that a lot and it is hard because I see so much of your mom in you it sadly appalled me. It is darkness and light. You are light and yet, there is this darkness in you, this cloud that hangs over you, this lack of caring about anyone else, that I cannot ignore. I hate it. I don’t hate you. I pray that you will give your life to jesus sooner than later and that he gives you supernatural wisdom and understanding. Your mother is not healthy. Love her, yes. Be respectful, yes, but i pray you do not emulate her. Do not carry on the legacy she is trying so desperately to hang on you. You were made for much more than your mother has shown you through her own life. Pray for your mother, that she too will know the forgiveness and peace that is only found in Jesus. Do not think of yourself as better than her. But do know, that God has called you to a purpose and you are perfectly made. You do not have to carry on your mother’s traits. Boldly refuse them. I pray God gives you clarity to see those traits from which you need to run. Light and darkness are not supposed to be able to be mutually present, but I see them both in you. Win the struggle, be light, as I know you were made to be.