My dearest Evanni:
In a little less than two months, you will be here. I still remember the call your mom gave me, at almost midnight! She asked if I was awake and then said to wait for a text message with a photo. I'm not sure how I knew before even opening the message, but the image of her positive pregnancy test, did not surprise me. I was crying before I could actually make out the two lines in each window, which indicated that she was indeed pregnant !! I called her right back and choked on my words, but managed to scream with excitement "we're having a baby!" You see, Evanni, your mom is my sister and despite the years between us, she is my best friend. She is one special person and holds a special place in my heart because she fought so hard to be in this world since day one. I love her unconditionally and you are going to be her life!! So guess what?? You will be stuck with this crazy Tia!! To be honest I was on team boy even after we knew you were a girl!! Haha. I kept saying you would surprise us and be a boy!! I'm sure you will be beautiful like your mama, she looks just like me, so you are both very lucky!

I can't lie to you, I am terrified of what the next few weeks will bring. I am afraid of the unknown and I'm sure every pregnancy has its risks, but your mama is so fragile!! So I'm asking you to please take it easy on her. If you want to come early, please make sure you are ready, but if you are going to wait it out, please remember that mama's health is fragile! She loves you too much already to think of herself, but I love you both and want the best outcome for both of you!! I can't wait to hold you and kiss you. You are the first baby for our family and we will spoil you like crazy!! So many people love you already and cannot wait to meet you.

See you soon.
Your favorite Tia 😉

Looking for my rainbow

I see you
And all the signs
I hear you when you cry at night
And I don't need to wonder why

I watch you toss and turn
And follow you from the bed, to the couch and then down to the floor.

I'm in your shadow throughout the day
Just a few steps behind to stay out of your way.

I'm in your corner, in that space, the one you go to when you can't show your face.

I listen when you scream and shout
I understand what it's all about
I see past all the cries and tears
I know that it's only just your fears

I'm sorry that I can't lend my hand
I'm sorry that I can't lend my shoulder
I'm sorry that I don't have the words
I'm sorry that I don't have the courage

I accept that I can't take your hand
I accept that I can't lean on your shoulder
I accept that I don't hear your words
I accept that I can't use your courage

I recognize you
Do you recognize me?
I am you and you are me

I see the girl I have become
Dark and moody and always bummed
I let the ugliness get out with every scream and every shout
I see my hurt and all the pain
Just wish I knew how to get her back
Hope the rainbow comes after all this rain!

18mths and counting

More than a year seems too long to say that it's the last time you spent time with us! More than a year ago, things weren't perfect, but we were happy. You were happy, weren't you? Despite the craziness that life was between your moms home and our home...You knew who your mom was you knew who your dad was and well I was about to marry your father and be stepmom to you. I remember the conversation we had, when you kept asking me what you would call me after he and I were married... My reply was whatever you want to call me. I walk around with a piece of me missing. I wasn't your mom, but I watched you grow up into this young lady. You were a part of my life just as much as you were a part of his. I have loved you since the first day your dad let me hold you!! you were such a cute baby. (yes your dad! He is your dad, always has been for 12 years and counting he will be your father no matter what any DNA test says now) his heart didn't change when we found out! Did he hurt? YES was he confused? YES does he still love you ? ALWAYS. We miss you so much. I miss you, and sometimes I miss you in silence just because I'm afraid to open a wound in him that I know hasn't healed. We wished for so long that nothing would change. And we never blame you for wanting space. If we, as adults, felt a deep despair at the news , I could not imagine what you felt. I pray one day, you will reach out for us again. We will be here!! Waiting. When you are ready.