Monday, February 9, 2015

Rest in peace

Rest in peace 
To a girl I didn't know

Rest in peace 
To a girl who made me cry

Rest in peace 
To a girl who lost her life giving life

My wall feed on social media blew up with the mutual friends who knew her in a small town nearby to my hometown.

Caught my eye cause we shared the same name "Maggie Guzman"

She was 25 and she lost her life giving birth. 

Rest in peace to the girl I never knew, but last night I cried for you. 


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Mommy diary: pg 40

I am: 29
I live: in Kerman 
I am married to: Juan Regalado
I drive: a Dodge Avenger 
I fear: that my two angel babies will be my only pregnancies and the two reasons I am a mommy, but I'll never hear them call me mommy. 
I work: at a school district with special needs kids, bookkeeper at a church.
I want to be: a mommy without empty arms

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Mommy diary: pg 39

I didn't want to say it
But truth is, it did hurt like hell. 

I didn't want to say it
But I'm sure my face didn't hide it so well.

Everything I couldn't say was pointless cause you knew I would feel it all.

I wanted to support you and I wanted to run the other way .....
Yet, my mind was processing slowly and I just sat there and stayed.

Every thing was so familiar and I wasn't sure what to do. 

But my honesty you needed, so I held myself together just long enough to speak to you. 

When I finally got away, when I could no longer control the monster inside. I broke free and let myself cry. 

I want to be there for you
I don't want you to be alone
I was once the girl who no one understood. The one who lost her world. 

Because I didn't want to tell you that you broke my heart the other day, but I'm aching with you and praying for you- that your baby gets to stay. 




The twisted curve that life has me on....

This blog was started a few years back as a place for me to come to and vent, share my thoughts, speak out loud or in print! So maybe someone out there could get caught up on my current events or someone out there could find some inspiration or support through my words. 

Lately, my posts have been nothing, but mommy posts. I can't even come here anymore to escape my life because it's in print here. It's a diary that I created to let myself vent. And yet, on the days I want to get lost in reading, I come here and get disappointed all over again. 

Here's something new, but not so new... Dad and I are fighting! Oh you see what i did there, I said "dad and I" because on most days I am writing to you, my angels.    The ones who irrevocably changed me, and sometimes I'm not too positive if it was for the better. 

My husband and I are fighting, but why?!? Oh, because it's a baby  thing. Of course. That never changes. Everything is a baby thing! We will both get over this tonight. It will come up again, I am sure. We have hit a point where there is a little bit of unhappiness in the both of us and we both want to fix each other and we can't. Cause that unhappiness is due to an empty space we both share and even though we almost never admit to each other, we both miss our angels like crazy, we both yearn to be parents and we both are falling apart.

To the post that wasn't going to be about them, but ended up anyways. See you next time.