Mommy diary: page 10

Post miscarriage

I'm not sure I can take another dr visit in a clinic filled with babies and soon to be mommies. I understand that Post miscarriage follow up care is a necessity, but at this point I'm fed up and tired of holding back my tears for the sake of looking like the crazy lady in the corner that loses it the very second a baby is in her presence. 

 I have to do lab work every other day, sit in a waiting room for 30-45 mins while my labs are checked and then kindly smile to all the nurses who know I've miscarried and can't help themselves, but apologize and give me their condolences every time I see them. 

If miscarriage is such a common thing like they've tried to drill in my head over and over .... Why haven't they made a separate little bubble for me to wait in, away from everyone. 

One day, soon I hope, I will be able to be happy for those soon to be mommies and I will once again get that excitement and happiness that babies once brought to me. Today, isn't that day and tomorrow probably won't be either. Because all I want is my baby. 

I am pretty sure my anxiety/grief/pain/disappointment/frustration  was written all over my face today because my main nurse (God bless her heart) told me I can skip my Friday appt and that she would see me Monday! A little break for me and a big break for this heart of mine that still aches like it was yesterday. 

Mommy diary: page 9

It can only get easier now... I think I can have closure. I was told worse case scenario, I pass baby with labor pains, and I would be the one to do so. I pretty much gave birth to my baby today. I think this is how I would want it. It makes my pregnancy real to me. It had a beginning and an end and my baby lived her intended life span. 

I realize that everything I say is positive and that my outlook on this is to move forward. 

My mind can play such dirty games because no matter the distractions or the optimism that is laced in every word that comes out of my mouth, the fact of the matter is that I lost my child, but there will be no funeral or the things that fall in place when someone loses a loved one. Nobody will go out of their way to bring cooked meals for my husband ( who will probably starve). This isn't that type of loss. 

 I'm expected to go back to work, go about my day and this grief that will probably never end, I will endure in silence.  Because I lost a child that only I knew, that touched my heart since before I knew she was there.... Because she was always wanted, she was always loved. My Isabella Rae. 

Mommy diary: page 8

Mommy has a broken heart

And daddy feels the same.

We didn't get to see your face, but we chose a beautiful name. 

You'll be in heaven watching us and one day you'll greet us there. 

God needed an angel baby and He took you in His care. 

You'll never be forgotten, and in our hearts you'll always stay. 

You'll always be our first child, Isabella Rae! 

-Mama

Mommy diary: page 7

To my angel baby:

There are ten million and one things running through my mind and a pain in my heart I cannot describe. I'm going to let this pain go soon because from now on you will live in my heart. I don't want your home to be a place of anger, hurt or resentment; only a place with warmth and love! 

Ideally, I would have wanted my arms to be your next home after you left my womb, but making my heart your next home is a better place than any. 

I have so much comfort knowing that you will be received with open arms in heaven by so many. My grandma must be happy to have a little piece of me with her now. The past four days have been the toughest days in my life, yet,  every day I felt her with me. You are in good hands and I know she will watch over you, my angel baby, until I can hold you in my own arms one day. Mama loves you. 

Mommy diary: page 6

In less than 12hrs I get to find out the fate of this precious gift from God that I've nurtured inside me for almost 2mths. A baby who has a name already even though we don't know the gender. A baby who stole my heart and took daddy's breath away from the moment we knew we had conceived our miracle baby. 

I've put all of this in God's hands. This is his child to begin with. He decides and I'm ok with that. It's been a struggle to not be angry, but my love for HIM is greater than any fear or resentment. 

A little prayer for my husband and I tonight, so that we can face and accept whatever tomorrow brings. A bigger prayer for our baby, who is loved by so many already. Good night friends! 

Mommy Diary: page 5

Woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I must have cried in my sleep. I don't remember if I dreamt about it or if it was real, but then your daddy rolled over and asked me if he should stay home from work to keep me company and at that moment I was reminded of the ugly truth. 

I am in a transition period... Waiting is the game. I want so badly to keep you. To let you make my body your home for the next few months, to hear your heart beat (I have yet to hear it) to feel you move and kick my ribs, dance on my bladder. 

My body seems to have other plans... So we wait. The next few days may determine if you get to stay and it breaks my heart to know I do not have a choice. 

Mommy Diary: pg. 4

I am now in week 8.  
It's weird how many different things my body can feel at once.  
I am ALWAYS thirsty, nothing seems to quench my thirst long enough before I am complaining again about how thirsty I am.
I have yet to experience weird cravings and I can still eat everything with the exception of cheese (I LOVE CHEESE)! 
Nausea has been a constant, but so far hasn't led me to actually getting sick. 

Yesterday, I developed the weirdest annoyance with my shoes and socks! Hear me out before you think I am weird.  I wanted to be barefoot, yes even in this cold! Then at night my feet felt frozen, so I scrambled for some socks, only to get annoyed once again and slide them off having to settle with wedging my feet between my husbands legs for some warmth without the restriction of socks. Needless to say, I had very little sleep last night, could not find comfort long enough to sleep!

Today, I was barefoot until I came to the office for a bit where I decided to try out the socks with shoes again. I made it 45 mins! Now I am barefoot, in my office.  I explained this craziness to my husband and he reminded me that there is such a term as "barefoot and pregnant" I just always assumed these women were "barefoot and pregnant" in the summer months.  My feet can't handle the winter, geeze! I'll probably want to be naked come Spring!! 

I have never really been a "hot" person.  More times than not, the words that come out of my mouth are "I'm cold". My fingertips are always frozen and I use my husband's always HOT hands to warm me up. So this is definitely something very new to me. I'm going to have to get a cute pedicure and find me some cute sandals, cause Winter Break is almost over and I will need some comfy sandals to go back to work, if I can't get over this crazy annoyance with shoes and socks!

Still think I am weird?  Any crazy annoyances you mommy's have experienced?

Mommy diary: pg.3

I feel pretty normal, if sleeping all day is normal. Really glad I am on winter break right now and I can enjoy sleeping all day. 

I'm only really experiencing a superwoman power in smell. I can smell everything. Some smells that I use to enjoy, I cannot stand. I have some anxiety as well, which I am trying to overcome. Must be the nerves and all the questions I still need answered by a doctor. I just have to remember, ONE day at a time!!!!

Changes will be coming and I plan to enjoy them all, good and bad! Being a mommy is something I've wanted for so long and I am completely overjoyed to actually be experiencing a pregnancy with MY own child. 

Oh, car sickness! Yes I am experiencing that as well! 

Today, daddy and I went Christmas clearance shopping, a yearly tradition and we did some shopping for baby too.    

Boy or girl? You will be nice and warm in a onesie with cute footsies!! 

New year, new blessings... Life goes on!

2013, was quite the year. It's sad to think that all that stands out is the loss, the pain, the funerals, the grief and the aftermath of it all! 

However, there are a few highlights....

Home wise:  my husband and I are finally in a place we call home, not because we own it, but because we can make it ours and we are comfortable here. We spent out first Christmas in a home, which is something we have not done in three years, because every Christmas past we were moving in or out of a place.

Job wise: I landed a job with the school district, a job that I absolutely love and really feel like I am moving in the right direction. 

Marriage life: tony and I have both had huge losses this year and our marriage was rocked, and although the winds will rock us, we will not sink because God is our anchor and we are starting this new year with a blessing and something or should I say someone to look forward to. 

We will be entering a new stage in life together, parenthood! I for one, am extremely nervous. this baby is giving me butterflies similar to the same butterflies daddy still gives me! I am so in love with our baby already and cannot wait to hear his/her heartbeat, feel the movements and finally see that beautiful face. 

Cheers to the new year and may you all be blessed!