Mommy diary: page 16

Day 34

Take it day by day, they say.

Time heals all wounds, they say.

Everything happens for a reason, they say.

I say, it's been 34 days and it still feels like the first day. 

I say, time just goes by slower, my nights seem longer because I go to bed and think about her  and the days only go by fast if I am keeping busy. 

My goal each day is to do enough to keep my mind preoccupied so that the empty part of me is temporarily filled. 

I say, I don't care what the reason was, it isn't fair. 

I take that back, I care. 

Because I was left empty, there is a missing piece of me now and that hollowness echoes with ache. 

Mommy Diary: page 15

~An Angel Never Dies~
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
~Author Unknown

Mommy diary: page 14

Isabella:

3 wks 3 days since I lost you. I think about you every second of every day. 

I've coped pretty well. There are definitely bad days, like today. Where I find myself backed up into a corner. Lost in my thoughts. Fighting back tears and trying to make my mind stop racing. 

You have a five y/o cousin who is fighting for her life right now. I'm watching your aunt go through this enormous amount of pain and I find myself so helpless, weak and an emotional wreck to be any kind support for her. I have emotions running through me that I don't understand. I'm looking for strength because your aunt needs me, she needs your dad. Your cousin needs us all to stand in our faith and at her side, to fight this fight with her. 

Mommy diary: page 13

Diosito me dio una hija.

Me la creo en mi misma.

Y en mi corazón, ella dejó su huella.

Diosito me dio esta hija.

Me la creo en mi menta. 

Me dio una imagen de su futuro.

Y me dejo estas memorias para mi sanidad.

Diosito me dio esta hija.

Me la creo en mi vientre.

Me hizo madre por primera vez. 

Pero Diosito me la hizo con mucho amor.

Y le dio a mi hija algo muy especial. 

Unas alas de oro, tan preciosas como ella.

 

Diosito me regaló una hija.

Diosito me regaló una angelita.

Diosito me cuidare a mi hija hasta el día que yo pueda tenerla en mis brazos.

 

-Isabella Rae's mama💙👼💜

Mommy diary: page 12

One distraction after another

Keeps my mind busy

Makes me think this will be easy

Returning to the gym, 

drinking coffee to try to get slim

Are the things I've occupied my mind with ....

But when I'm alone with my thoughts

You are there. 

Who am I kidding? 

You are everywhere. 

Yesterday, I nonchalantly went about my day and treated it as if it was just another day, but it wasn't. I didn't even make a big deal about it and only because I didn't want any attention. When I left that place that made sure that not one trace of you was left...I felt nothing. 

However, today, I feel differently. I can't stop thinking about you. 

When my grandma passed it took me a few months to be able to visit her gravesite, but once I did I felt such peace and a little guilt for waiting so long to visit her. With you, I don't have a gravesite to visit, I don't have a photo of you to light a candle and say a prayer. All I have is that feeling and emotion you created in my heart and soul. 

I miss you. 

Mommy diary: page 11

It isn't because you aren't thought about every day, because you are.

Your dad and I still share conversations about who you would have looked like and if you'd have my hair. 

I call you by your name and I don't think I sound crazy. 

I feel comfortable talking about you with people, even though I know that I may be the only one that misses you. 

Your dad, he misses the thought of what you would have been..... I miss the presence of you growing inside me. The crazy changes you caused my body to go through in such a short time. 

So today, when a student placed her hand on my tummy and said how proud she was to know that I was having a baby and a second student joined in to say with excitement that she couldn't wait til you grew bigger in my tummy; I enjoyed that moment, because even though I probably should have corrected them, I couldn't bare to see the looks on their faces or the confusion or hurt that this loss of mine may have caused to them. I know that soon I'll have to find a way to explain that you are no longer in my tummy. 

So today you were thought about and instead of pain or hurt, I felt joy, even if it was for that moment, because these students, in all their innocence, celebrated the life you were and I am so proud that I was able to celebrate with them in that moment.

Mama loves you Isabella Rae.