Mommy diary: pg 45

Wk: 26

I am starting to see the strain that this pregnancy is putting on my heart. 

My blood circulation is terrible and these dizzy spells are no joke. Those were symptoms I expected with a pregnancy, but I was hoping my heart episodes would stay at bay. They drain the energy out of me. I welcomed my first set of episodes this morning. It's never fun when they come as a set. 

Keep me in prayer, this mama is exhausted. 

Mommy diary: pg 44

It's always a time of reflection when I have to make spontaneous visits to my doctor or ER due to something just not feeling right. I am fortunate enough to have a great team of doctors who understand why I have these anxieties and give the anxiety its attention - sometimes my worries are due to just anxiety and other times it's cause something is really wrong. I believe the rest of this journey will be filled with its joys and the handful of worries. I'm sure every pregnant lady has all of them at one point, but mothers who have experienced loss can surely relate that because we know that pain of loss and because it still hurts as much as it did on day one - it is very easy for us to worry about history repeating itself. I've already made it way past my last two pregnancies - those were considered early losses in the first trimester.

So of course I am thinking of my first Angel baby, Isabella Rae, who, if she had lived would be getting ready to celebrate her very first birthday!! I can think of these things now and feel happiness, it's no longer filled with sadness and tears all the time. 

Having another baby girl on the way, surely has made our lives happier and life a lot better! It hasn't however, made our losses any better. Not sure time or a growing family will ever change that.

Mommy diary: pg 43

Friday's mark the end of a pregnancy week for us and our Friday morning routine is spent with prayer and conversation with our little one. We take the time to use our fetal doppler to hear her heartbeat and talk about all things Victoria ( well that is a daily thing). We research what is NEW with the baby this week and what to expect in our next week. It sets the tone for the weekend and gives mama a sense of peace because the weekend always seems so long to me especially because I don't have complete access to my personal dr. like I would on a weekday. All has been well with baby and her growth this far, my body is the one acting crazy, but taking rest has been a huge part and I am just thankful that I have the husband that I do. Even with the craziness of his work schedule and the sleepless nights I give him...he still manages to care for me and give me the emotional support I need. I know he struggles too with this new journey and the balancing of grief and joy, but we have each other and on my weakest days he is my rock as I am his on his weakest days. 

Mommy diary: pg. 42

Recap:

July was a month of reflection for my husband and I. We made it through to the next trimester in this pregnancy. 

We passed the dreadful week in which we lost our first Angel and it was bittersweet. 

Week 11-12: That week alone, this time around, was a tough one. Neither of us said a word about it, just lived in the moment and presumably held our breath.

I forced myself to stay home, morning sickness had not subsided yet and frankly being mentally and physically exhausted was taking its toll. While I rested  I didn't even dare use my at-home fetal doppler for the  fear of not being able to find a heart beat/my mind would know it's cause it's too soon to catch it, but my heart would cry due to the unknown. 

Week 12-13: this was the week  we got to do the Dreadful scans. I wasn't at all nervous about the outcome of those scans. I just wanted to hear a heartbeat. Any other diagnosis wasn't a concern to us because the baby would be loved all the same no matter the outcome. I held my breath like I did at every scan before this and waited to see a flicker on the screen or the sound of the babies galloping heart beat. Because our baby proved to be stubborn this day, we got to spend 45 mins to an hour watching through the screen while the tech tried to get all her scans complete. It was AMAZING! 

Week 14-16: a glimmer of excitement has entered our household- we spend our time together talking about our baby. What will she look like? Who will she act like? Will she have curly hair like mama? Tall like her daddy? Light complected with colored eyes like her Tia val? A crazy little personality like her cousin Trinity or Evanni? Maybe she will be nothing like any of us  and just bring her own unique little flare to our family. You know what else crosses my mind...will she look anything like her sisters? Will I finally know what my other two angels look like? 

Just about half way there and crossing week 24 is the next hurdle to get through. With the faith I am carrying I know we will make it past that week and to the finish line. 💙💜

This little girl has no idea how loved she already is. The weekly appointments, daily shots, sickness and all is a sacrifice that will be so worth it. 

Daddy and mommy can't wait to meet her. 

a piece from my journal

October 2014


If I have to define this place in time, the best word I can think of is LIVING.

I am living with a missing piece of me.
I am living with a loss.
I am living with this grief.
I am living with my emptiness.
I am living with my sadness.
I am living a life that I would have given for them, my babies, my angels.

And for that, I also live with LOVE.

Because I know death.
It's touched my family one too many times in such a short while. Death is inevitable - this we all know.

It doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make it easy to forget.

So because I remember it and live it, I also love harder and love deeper.

Sure, my fear lingers and sometimes I act irrational, but I am a better person for it.

I will never be the same person I was before these precious babies made me their mama. I will never ever ever be the same.

So this is me, now! Irrevocably changed and trying to LIVE! Just LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH sometimes!

Mommy diary: pg. 41

Grief use to be something I only read about. I could only imagine the pain someone would feel after a loss. Imagining it and actually living it are two very distinct things. I won't try to describe it because even now, after I have lived through the losses and I have experienced the grief - I still can't explain it. Grief is experienced differently by every one and not one is alike. 

I'll start with my journey - after experiencing two miscarriages last year I am currently pregnant with baby #3 and let me tell you I have experienced every emotion possible in the last few weeks. 

I am in fact still grieving my losses. I am sure that will be a life time of grief because my babies may have stopped breathing, but as long as I am breathing they will very much be alive in my heart.  The fact that I am pregnant has brought about a sense of fear. . I never knew fear was a step of grief. 

I have surpassed the first trimester. The first milestone in this pregnancy that made me tremble as I approached it's.  My risk of miscarriage has dropped significantly. 

I have a pretty little baby girl who jumps, waves, plays and is just so active in my womb. Hearing her heartbeat within me gives me so much joy and fills my own grown heart with love and gratefulness, but at the same time it resists the reassurances that the little heart inside me offers. As the weeks pass, it gets easier to let myself live in this moment without fear. 

Just wish I could skip the fear step altogether! 

I have a guardian angel on earth...

I have a guardian angel on earth and I call her my friend, she  is an inspiration to me.

She has experienced loss, pain, despair, anger, loss of faith, depression, hope and love. I look up to her for all of these experiences she has lived through. I admire her for the woman, mother and wife she still is even on her cloudy days. I sympathize with her on several levels and respect her so much for her courage. I pray for her so that her faith always guides and her hope and happiness never leaves her.  I love her for finding me, for reaching out, for making me stop and think, for being that one voice of reason in my world of chaos. The infertility, baby loss, miscarriage and all the struggles of a grieving mother are truly heavy and without each other's support, it can be difficult and lonely. I know for a fact that I will never be lonely. I will never face an issue in my journey alone. As much of a strong woman that I am - a grieving mother was a person I never thought I would identify myself as. It's a life sentence and with the heaviest of hearts, I wish that she did not have to face this before I did. I wish that I was the one to have faced it before her, but I am grateful for her. She made me stronger and because of her I can be there for someone else. I only hope that I can be that inspiration in another grieving mothers life! 

 I love you J! I hope you know this is about you and if I made you cry, I'm sorry. So many tears that we shed in this life for sadness, so take the time to shed the tears when you are appreciated. From the bottom of this broken, forever altered-grieving mother's heart: THANK YOU! 

Just a little broken, but not lost.

Stop asking me how I feel.

Or if I am okay. Stop telling me how to handle things or how to approach people who may set off a trigger in me. Just stop. 

Please don't try to be my friend if you truly aren't genuine. I really don't need any pity or the random questions to see how I've been. Because you disappear shortly after. You don't invite me to things, you don't include me in things and you say it's because you are thinking of me, but it's all about you.

You feel better after checking in.

You feel less pressure if I'm not around. Less stress of trigger proofing so that I don't get set off. 

So please don't ask the loaded question

Because it's way too much pressure for me.

I can hear the hurry behind your words.

The screaming phrase that everyone whispers behind my back. 

"She should be over this, by now"

To answer your question: I'm not okay, but I am trying. I feel a million things all at once and on other days I feel nothing. I am numb. And on days in between I cry and sometimes I can't explain why. The aching in my heart is indescribable. 

Then there are days that the sun shines so bright that I feel a little bit of me again. I can laugh and smile and not fake it one bit.

I don't need you because I have me. If you really want to make a difference. . . Let me help you help me...if you can't be here with me, but really be here with me, no judgement, just love, I don't even ask for understanding, JUST LOVE.... if that is too much to ask then please just stay away. Not everyone is cut out to handle a broken person and I don't need fixing, I just need to make sense of my new world.

Rest in peace

Rest in peace 

To a girl I didn't know

Rest in peace 

To a girl who made me cry

Rest in peace 

To a girl who lost her life giving life

My wall feed on social media blew up with the mutual friends who knew her in a small town nearby to my hometown.

Caught my eye cause we shared the same name "Maggie Guzman"

She was 25 and she lost her life giving birth. 

Rest in peace to the girl I never knew, but last night I cried for you. 

Mommy diary: pg 40

I am: 29

I live: in Kerman 

I am married to: Juan Regalado

I drive: a Dodge Avenger 

I fear: that my two angel babies will be my only pregnancies and the two reasons I am a mommy, but I'll never hear them call me mommy. 

I work: at a school district with special needs kids, bookkeeper at a church.

I want to be: a mommy without empty arms

Mommy diary: pg 39

I didn't want to say it

But truth is, it did hurt like hell. 

I didn't want to say it

But I'm sure my face didn't hide it so well.

Everything I couldn't say was pointless cause you knew I would feel it all.

I wanted to support you and I wanted to run the other way .....

Yet, my mind was processing slowly and I just sat there and stayed.

Every thing was so familiar and I wasn't sure what to do. 

But my honesty you needed, so I held myself together just long enough to speak to you. 

When I finally got away, when I could no longer control the monster inside. I broke free and let myself cry. 

I want to be there for you

I don't want you to be alone

I was once the girl who no one understood. The one who lost her world. 

Because I didn't want to tell you that you broke my heart the other day, but I'm aching with you and praying for you- that your baby gets to stay. 

The twisted curve that life has me on....

This blog was started a few years back as a place for me to come to and vent, share my thoughts, speak out loud or in print! So maybe someone out there could get caught up on my current events or someone out there could find some inspiration or support through my words. 

Lately, my posts have been nothing, but mommy posts. I can't even come here anymore to escape my life because it's in print here. It's a diary that I created to let myself vent. And yet, on the days I want to get lost in reading, I come here and get disappointed all over again. 

Here's something new, but not so new... Dad and I are fighting! Oh you see what i did there, I said "dad and I" because on most days I am writing to you, my angels.    The ones who irrevocably changed me, and sometimes I'm not too positive if it was for the better. 

My husband and I are fighting, but why?!? Oh, because it's a baby  thing. Of course. That never changes. Everything is a baby thing! We will both get over this tonight. It will come up again, I am sure. We have hit a point where there is a little bit of unhappiness in the both of us and we both want to fix each other and we can't. Cause that unhappiness is due to an empty space we both share and even though we almost never admit to each other, we both miss our angels like crazy, we both yearn to be parents and we both are falling apart.

To the post that wasn't going to be about them, but ended up anyways. See you next time. 

Mommy diary: pg 38

Today is the anniversary of the day you left my world. I can remember the hours leading up to it, just like it was yesterday. I'll spend today in bed, cause mommy is really sick. It's very fitting, cause I spent that same day in bed too. Hoping to reverse whatever was already set in play. I miss you baby girl. Even if my world doesn't understand my grief or if reading this doesn't make sense to them. I'm not the same person I was before you. That's okay.                                                                              

 

I wish your time with me was a little bit longer, you made mama's heart just a little bit stronger / I'd be lying if I said this year wasn't tough, cause the little time I had with you was simply not enough / you changed my life. I'm someone entirely new, this I now know to be my only truth / I LOVE DEEPER, because of YOU, I CRY HARDER, because of YOU, I AM A MOMMY, because of YOU! Mama Ioves you Isabella Rae! #mamatoangels #imakeangels #mydaughterhaswings #myfirstbornhaswings #miscarriagematters #angelbaby #iblog #iwritemysoul

Mommy diary: pg. 37

My dearest Isabella:

"You are missing from me"

"Tu me manques"

Mama has you on her mind a lot lately. 

I spent these same days last year on bedrest, cause it was leading up to the day I lost you. 

I am currently sick. I've spent a lot of time in bed, resting, going on almost 72 hours. The same amount of hours I spent praying and crying, last year, while your grandma tried to remind me to put my trust in God. 

Although, I am physically in pain with the aches in my body, soreness in my throat and pain in my ears. Nothing compares to a broken heart, shattered dreams and empty arms. 

I just miss you so much. That's all I have to say. I lived this past year missing a part of me. I'll live the rest of my life missing that part of me. You were mine and I was yours from the moment I knew you were there and you will always be the missing part of me.  

"You are missing from me"

"Tu me Manques"

Mommy diary: pg 36

Now

If I have to define this place in time, the best word I can think of is LIVING.

I am living with a missing piece of me.

I am living with a loss.

I am living with this grief.

I am living with my emptiness.

I am living with my sadness.

I am living a life that I would have given for them, my babies, my angels.

And for that, I also live with LOVE.

Because I know death.

It's touched my family one too many times in such a short while. Death is inevitable - this we all know. 

It doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make it easy to forget.

So because I remember it and live it, I also love harder and love deeper.

Sure,  my fear lingers and sometimes I act irrational, but I am a better person for it. 

I will never be the same person I was before these precious babies made me their mama. I will never ever ever be the same.

So this is me, now! Irrevocably changed and trying to LIVE! Just LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH sometimes! #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart

Mommy diary: pg 35

My husband's work schedule recently changed. We just did the first full week. He leaves to work while I am already working and gets home when I've already been sleeping for a while. His only days off are mon and tues. This isn't the first time he has had this similar schedule, but for some reason i am taking this very hard. I won't be seeing him or be able to spend much quality time with him now. Forget TTC, this schedule makes us both exhausted from the crazy hours and the fact that i now have the added stress of his long driving routes. I wouldn't ever complain to him, just needed to put it out there. I woke up feeling a certain kind of way today and I can't shake it. Probably having to do with the fact that I am also attending church without him. Even as I write this, I know this isn't even the real issue. I've been holding back a lot lately. Maybe because I'm tired of the tears or I'm tired of the constant nagging from family members about me skipping the holidays. Sometimes I want to scream at them, just plain lose it so they can see "wow she really is crazy" I was pregnant this time last year, did they forget.?! Yah, everyone forgot about her, only the mother grieves the child they never got to hold. If I could hold my breath and wake up in February it may be easier. My brain is clouded with what if's and it's making me feel like a big fat failure.  Time to go to church, a place that use to bring me peace and now I just think I come because it's the thing I usually do on Sunday's and anything remotely close to normal I need to hold onto for my sanity. Today I feel like a hypocrite cause I am so upset and pointing fingers to the heavens. How much more hurt am I going to have to put up with? Why does this even hurt this much?    -Isabella Rae's mommy 👼1.23.14