I started 2014 on cloud 9.
The joy I felt can't be described in any amount of words I put down in this blog.
I was just happy. Pure happiness. Filled with hope and dreams for what my year would be.
Four weeks into the year, I had everything ripped away from me. I still had my life, but it was empty. Losing our first baby was a pain I never knew I would have to feel. I sometimes wonder if I would rather still be in that "can I even get pregnant phase" that I was stuck in for three years. This pain I was feeling was one I wouldn't wish on any woman. A pain I didn't want to ever feel again. Just a few short months later that same pain returned. Losing the second baby didn't hurt me as it should have. I was still so numb and now I would be numb all over again.
I lived my days just to get through them. I have no idea how I managed, because there were days I just couldn't get out of bed. Living far from everyone else made it easy to hibernate. Nobody can hear the cracking in your voice via text message or see the puffiness that has taken over your eyes from the non stop tears.
When summer ended, I went back to work. A place I could actually genuinely smile. The kids I work with, bring me that warmth that I needed to feel like a person.
All summer I spent feeling like a failure, but in that classroom I am important and I am someone that they can count on. No room for failure there. They will never know how much their greeting every morning or farewells at the end of the day mean to me.
I am still a mother who loves her angel babies with everything I have. I am still a mother who grieves for them as well.
I am still a woman who wants to give birth to a child and take that child home.
I wanted so badly to have a ray of sunshine before the year ended. It would have definitely made these holidays a lot easier. Instead I hibernated and avoided any possible triggers. I miss being around my family, but taking care of me was a priority. The walls of my room were witness to the screams of this grieving mother and the arms of my husband held me up as I soaked up his sleeves with my never ending flow of tears.
In the new year, we will start fresh.
Welcome any blessings that God brings our way and have faith that He will get us through the rough patches.
Cheers to 2015!
