a piece from my journal

October 2014


If I have to define this place in time, the best word I can think of is LIVING.

I am living with a missing piece of me.
I am living with a loss.
I am living with this grief.
I am living with my emptiness.
I am living with my sadness.
I am living a life that I would have given for them, my babies, my angels.

And for that, I also live with LOVE.

Because I know death.
It's touched my family one too many times in such a short while. Death is inevitable - this we all know.

It doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make it easy to forget.

So because I remember it and live it, I also love harder and love deeper.

Sure, my fear lingers and sometimes I act irrational, but I am a better person for it.

I will never be the same person I was before these precious babies made me their mama. I will never ever ever be the same.

So this is me, now! Irrevocably changed and trying to LIVE! Just LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH sometimes!

Mommy diary: pg. 41

Grief use to be something I only read about. I could only imagine the pain someone would feel after a loss. Imagining it and actually living it are two very distinct things. I won't try to describe it because even now, after I have lived through the losses and I have experienced the grief - I still can't explain it. Grief is experienced differently by every one and not one is alike. 

I'll start with my journey - after experiencing two miscarriages last year I am currently pregnant with baby #3 and let me tell you I have experienced every emotion possible in the last few weeks. 

I am in fact still grieving my losses. I am sure that will be a life time of grief because my babies may have stopped breathing, but as long as I am breathing they will very much be alive in my heart.  The fact that I am pregnant has brought about a sense of fear. . I never knew fear was a step of grief. 

I have surpassed the first trimester. The first milestone in this pregnancy that made me tremble as I approached it's.  My risk of miscarriage has dropped significantly. 

I have a pretty little baby girl who jumps, waves, plays and is just so active in my womb. Hearing her heartbeat within me gives me so much joy and fills my own grown heart with love and gratefulness, but at the same time it resists the reassurances that the little heart inside me offers. As the weeks pass, it gets easier to let myself live in this moment without fear. 

Just wish I could skip the fear step altogether!