I hate the C word

The very first book I ever read by the author Jodi Picoult was "My Sister's Keeper," and since then I've been a fan. I read this book years before it was made into a movie (many of her titles have been made into LifeTime movies as well). Every once in a while I would pick up My Sister's keeper and reread from cover to cover. It's story was filled with strength and love. Still on my nightstand and will always be a favorite.

When my husbands niece was diagnosed with cancer in 2012, it was a huge shock. I remember my husband and I laying in bed the morning before we were suppose to drive up to see her (his birthday) and we just held each other in silence, so much silence his heart thundered in his chest until my tears broke that silence and only then was when I realized he was crying all along. This cancer shook us, but didn't break us. It was our first experience and it was new to us all. For months on end we watched her fight, she grew spiritually and all of her strength and will came from her faith in God. The girl we were told to take home and make comfortable is still here with us today and we are blessed. 

I remember thinking as I laid next to her in her hospital bed, running my fingers down her arm "spiders" is what she called it, how stubborn I was to not face the fact that she may not be here the next day. I would think to myself that it would only hurt more if I stayed in denial, but those same thoughts would be chased away by my faith which reminded me to never lose hope and to continue to believe because as long as she was fighting we would fight with her. 

In august of this year, the C word made its second appearance and this time my husband took the hardest hit because his father fought for two long months before losing his battle. Although we were experienced and knew exactly what questions to ask, how to advocate for him and what to expect, his cancer was too advanced. The loss is still so fresh. 

Now tonight I sit here with a lump in my throat, knot in my stomach and a man on my mind! A man who I have so much in common with, its scary. A man who can get under my skin so fast, it's ridiculous. A man who has loved me since the first day he laid eyes on me. A man who doesn't need to say he loves me, I just know.  Tomorrow's call will determine what kind of year we have in 2014. I am praying for the best and preparing for the worst. No matter what I'm not going anywhere because he has never left me.

When I look back now, that book is just something so special to me. I am not sure why, but I felt connected to it for a reason. You know the feeling you get when you know something is happening for a reason....i have it, but the reason, i don't know why.....yet. 

2 CORINTHIANS 5:7

I can finally take a breath!

It's been a few long dark weeks.. And finally a light is shining through. 

I was rocked

I was tested

I almost gave in

You wouldn't know this because I am strong enough to go about my day as usual, but when I am home, especially when I am alone, that's where my worries take me over. They find me there and work on breaking me down. 

"How do you do it?" "What is your secret?" 

Faith sees me through, and faith gives me my strength. 

I will battle everything thrown my way because I am strong in my faith and God never gives me more than I can handle. 

Faith, Hope & Love 

Untitled

So much I wish I could say

These tears of mine, choke me up and get in the way.

Instead I pray for you and hope it's enough

The world is ugly and it's going

To be tough. 

I offered my love, protection and faith. 

I stood by you and kept you grounded 

This grief has left you blinded. 

It's eating you up and swallowing you whole. 

It's entered you and made its home. 

I won't live there, no, not anymore. 

Grief and i, we can't be friends. 

In this battle, you've let him win. 

you can not die of grief
though it feels as if you can
a heart does not actually break
though sometimes your heart aches as it does
grief dims with time
there comes a day when you smile again
and you feel like a traitor
how dare i feel happy
how dare i be glad in a world where you are no more
and then you will realize
the biggest loss of a loved one
is your inability to continue living after they are gone
they have lost their life
you shouldn't lose yours

A letter I'll Never Send: Pg. 2

So I once told your dad, mark my words, she will reach out.  Children crave stability and one day we will be the ones she reaches out to.  

Two weeks ago, I don't know why or the reason behind it, but you reached out and we shared an awesome conversation.  We caught up and even planned to see each other. The last thing you said was that you would check with your mom and that was it.  I've sent you a few messages and nothing. I wish I had your number (why didn't I ask for it) I want to call and make sure you are okay.  I hope I said enough to you to let you know we are always here.  

I do not have any doubt that what  I am doing is the right thing.

Keeping this door open for you and this place in my heart for you is my choice.  

If I get hurt. I get hurt. end of story.

Mommy Diary: Pg.2

Quick Background:  At age 14, and after several trips to the ER from spontaneous black outs, doctor's discovered that my heart wasn't wired too well. Apparently I was born with a heart that essentially had wiring problems.  This extra nerve in my heart that could cause my whole  nervous system to whack out and cause my body to go into a state of shock, uncontrollable heart rate paired with sharp pains in my chest, shortness of breath and eventually a black out, would be the cause of many issues for me.

I had my first procedure to correct the problem in high school, it froze the nerve, but we later found out that it would be 3-5 years before I would need another corrective procedure.  Now, this heart issue, gave me lots of discomfort, but when I am in control it didn't hinder me from living my life.  That was until my last procedure, where the doctor's failed to correct it and claimed they could not find the nerve.....it disappeared? how? IMPOSSIBLE! So at 23, I was told "while you are not experiencing any symptoms, consider starting your family".  Well guess what? I was nowhere near ready to be a parent yet.  Although, I was with the man I knew I was going to marry ( I DID) we were not ready!! So I learned strategies to control my condition, alternate ways to get pass my episodes and avoid black outs. 

I am now 1 mth away from 28...and family planning is in full swing, despite some obstacles in that department....but of course it could never be that easy...welcome back into my life heart episodes!!! Back to my cardiologist I go, back to my medication regimen I go, back to carrying halter heart monitors, back to sticky patches that itch and hurt when I pull them off, back to being extra cautious and always keeping my bag with my alcohol wipes (to prevent the black outs) and brown paper baggies (to help pace my breathing). 

Once again, family planning is on hold.... and the timing couldn't be worse!

Mommy Diary: Pg.1

I am a person with faith.  My life has always been a rollercoaster and without my faith, I would probably be lost.  When a person is filled with faith, it is said that there is no room for fear.  I use to believe that wholeheartedly, until recently. 

I married my high school sweetheart. We dated for ten years, YES I KNOW forever, but we are finally married  and will celebrate our two years in October. 

Finding the man to marry - check, marrying him - check.....what comes next?  Starting a family is what comes next in our book.  In the ten years of dating, we shared several conversations about our desires for a family; how many children? what will their names be? 

So here we are about to hit two years of really, really trying to start our little family....and we have hit a road block.  Now, I wasn't sure about going the route of KNOWING why we have been unable to conceive because my faith tells me that if it's God's will, it will come on his time.... but a few mths ago, I made the choice to check myself out.  Preliminary results show that we will indeed have some setbacks.  I have been sitting on this for almost two months, I still have tests to do and choices to make.  Meanwhile, he and I are having a whirlwind of a life because there is always someone with bigger problems than ourselves.  My husbands mind has been overwhelmed with his father's illness and my heart is still grieving the death of my grandma, but when I am alone with my thoughts...and when I can no longer cry, I have this lump in my throat, this fear in my heart and a cloud of doubt on my mind. 

Does it make me a hypocrite to have this fear inside me even though I am a woman of faith! The daughter of a wonderful, loving King.  I cant help, but wonder and yet I cannot get myself to move onto the next step in this process of starting our little family.

-Always Faithful

I dreamt about you last night. I can't begin to explain how happy that made me.  I woke up and it was still night, I tried desperately to go back to sleep and prayed I would fall right back into the same dream.  I wanted to see you again, ask you questions, talk with you some more.  I didn't fall back asleep. So instead I stayed awake and I replayed the dream over and over again. I wanted to make sure I would remember it the next morning.  I replayed bit by bit and took in every detail possible.  This morning, my first instinct was to tell my mother that you visited me last night and my next instinct was to take her with me to visit you.  Thank you for my gift, thank you for touching my heart, thank you for still being with me.  I love you!

Light at the end of my tunnel...

Is there a light at the end of a tunnel? 

If there is. I must be walking through a very long tunnel. Maybe I should start running? Maybe I should stop and ask for directions? Maybe I should take a few steps back and evaluate my direction? 

No. It's either forward or backwards! But who wants to go back? I surely don't. Will going back change the outcomes? Probably not. No, I'm sure it won't. So I move forward. 

I wish I could see a slight glimpse of light, at least that would give me a glimmer of hope that there in fact, is light at the end of this tunnel. 

I'm not walking blindly, I have faith that I'll get there. Faith is about all I've got actually. So I'll continue to walk through this tunnel, maybe I'll even run, but if I see a small glimpse of light I will definitely run towards it!! 

So if I'm running now, will I get to the light at the end of the tunnel, faster? What if I run too fast and miss things along the way? I'm not sure i want to risk that. So, is there a light at the end of this tunnel? I sure hope so. 

Rollercoasters

As a young girl, I loved roller coasters... The excitement of waiting in line... The few moments of fear right when I reached the top. Being next in line was the best, I could hear the screams of the previous riders. I always waited the extra 30mins to an hour just to be the rider in the front of the coaster. I loved that feeling in the pit of my stomach as I was strapped in and just waited for the coaster to take its first move. The ride would be over before I knew it and I would gladly make my way to the next line and wait for the excitement of another roller coaster. 

Here is the irony: my life is a roller coaster. I have fear, stress, anxiety, excitement, relief and happiness. Sometimes I feel like I get off one really long roller coaster, just to wait in line for the next. 

Waiting in line. That's where I am right now. My life the last few years can be summed up in a few words, job loss, homeless, cancer, caregiver, heartache, anxiety, Financial crisis, depression and very recently death. However, this death was peaceful, it opened up doors, my eyes and its bringing me opportunities. All because one person had faith in me. 

Now remember when I said I was waiting in line again. . . I am. Just about to board another coaster, but this time I won't be alone. I'm actually boarding this roller coaster as support. To hold his hand through his very own heartache and to be his rock as he deals with what's to come. I never have the words to say to him. Even with my experience and with my faith, I can't find the words to comfort him. I'm praying these words come fast because we are next to board....and that fear I feel right before I board a ride is coming and I know that feeling in the pit of my stomach won't be from excitement....this time. 

Rewind...

It's been two months since my last post and today's post was the Eulogy I wrote for my grandma's funeral.  I am in a place of peace.  I owe it to the fact that I have no regrets.  I spent the time with her.  I listened to her. Along with my family, we all helped care for her when she got ill.  Speaking only for myself, I am happy because I know she is happy . . . my tears will come when i miss her.  I still catch myself wanting to ask "where's grandma?"  "how is grandma?"  Visiting her home and expecting to still see her is the hardest truth to swallow when I know she isn't coming home.  Time will heal all of these feelings.  She was my constant, she was my daily routine, and it will take time for that to change and for my life to be distracting enough for me to not miss her absence.  My heart still pains and my mind hasn't caught up with reality.  When it does, won't be soon enough.  

I miss her. 

My grandmas services were beautiful! It was amazing to see the church fill up Monday night for her rosary and Tuesday morning for her mass. She was very loved. Thank you all for the support and prayers, especially our friends and family who traveled to share this time with us. We are so blessed to have you in our lives! Tomorrow is a new day and tonight I can rest knowing I've gained one more angel in heaven to protect and guide me. Te amo, mi reina!

“Ni Siquiera la distancia cambiara los momentos compartidos a tu lado. Sencillamente eres irremplazable”

Romans 14:8 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.

It feels like just yesterday I was standing here in this church and at this podium, sharing a letter I wrote to my Papa Marcos.  I was fortunate enough to have been raised in the same household as my grandparents and blessed to have them as Godparents as well.  I was fortunate enough to have been able to spend so much time at her side and to share many moments together.  Her wisdom and experiences are something I will carry with me always.  Her love is something I will have with me every day and she will be truly missed.

I am proud to say that the Cardenas Family is a beautiful example of Unity, love and respect and it is because of our grandparents.  Mama Mago was the Queen of our family.  She was a strong woman who raised five boys and two girls to be amazing people who have always shown each other nothing but love and have instilled those same values in us, their children.  I know my cousins will agree with me when I say we are so lucky to be a part of such an amazing family.  Mama Mago held us together and taught us about unity, love and respect and we are all better people because of her.

I carry a lot of her in me; her name, her selflessness, generosity, her courage and my poor husband can attest that I am as stubborn as they come, a beautiful trait I know she shared as well……but The greatest gift Mama Mago gave me was my faith.  My love for God and relationship with HIM was strengthened through her prayers and her involvement in the church.  She taught me so much about prayer and how beautiful a relationship with God could be.  Last year, my husband’s family experienced a difficult time due to an illness to a family member and Mama Mago gave me the strength I needed to be able to support my husband and through prayer and Faith we overcame it all.  Mama Mago was a big part of reminding me to keep my faith in God, she was my rock. 

This same faith she instilled in me, is what has brought so much peace to me in these past few days.  I trust with all my heart that she is so happy right now.  She has been reunited with her son, Jerry, her husband, Marcos and so many of our family members who are celebrating that they are together in a place we all wish to be one day.  Yes, there will be tears when we think of her; Yes, we will feel that pain of her absence in the holidays to come, but we must find that peace in knowing that she isn’t experiencing any discomfort in Heaven.  I say a prayer now for each and every one of us to find that peace and begin the healing process.  Very soon those tears will become smiles, when we think of her and instead of missing her during the holidays we will all gather and share memories of her with joy and laughter.  I pray, we honor her and continue to live our lives with unity, love and respect. 

Today, on such a special day, we celebrate Mama Mago's Life

“Ni Siquiera la distancia cambiara los momentos compartidos a tu lado. Sencillamente eres irremplazable”

Romanos 14:8 Pues si vivimos, para el Señor vivimos, y si morimos, para el Señor morimos. Por tanto, ya sea que vivamos o que muramos, del Señor somos.

Parece que fue ayer cuando estuve en ésta Iglesia frente a éste podio, compartiendo unas palabras que le escribí a mi Papá Marcos. Tuve la fortuna de haber sido criada en la casa de mis abuelitos y bendecida de haber sido su nieta. Me siento afortunada de haber podido pasar tanto tiempo a su lado y de compartir juntos momentos tan especiales. La sabiduría de Mamá Mago y sus experiencias son algo que llevaré dentro de mí por siempre. Como extrañaré su infinito amor y su presencia.

Estoy orgullosa de decir que nuestra familia Cárdenas-Tamayo es un hermoso ejemplo de unidad, amor y respeto y todo se lo debemos a nuestros abuelitos. Mamá Mago fue y es la Reyna de nuestra familia. Una mujer fuerte que crió a cinco hombres y dos mujeres a ser personas de bien que se inspiran amor y que en su momento han inculcado lo mismo a nosotros, sus nietos. Ella fue la fuerza que nos mantiene unidos mostrando amor y respeto mutuo. Tratamos de ser buenas personas, gracias a ella. Estoy segura que mis primos estarán de acuerdo con esto.

En mí, ella se refleja; su nombre, su  generosidad, su humildad, su fuerza de coraje y testaruda (mi pobre esposo es testigo de ello), estos son hermosos atributos. Pero, el regalo más hermoso que me dio, es mi Fé. Mi relación con Dios se ha fortalecido a través de sus oraciones y su devoción a la Iglesia. Me enseñó acerca de la fuerza de la oración y de estar cerca de Dios. El año pasado, la familia de mi esposo pasó por tiempo muy difícil debido a una enfermedad grave de un miembro de la familia, mi Mamá Mago me dio la fuerza que necesitaba para poder apoyar a mi esposo con ayuda de oración y Fé. Me recordó que continuara creyendo en Dios. Ella es mi roca.

La misma Fé que ella me inspiró, es lo que me ha dado paz en estos días. Creo con todo mi corazón, que ella se encuentra feliz. Ella se ha reunido con su hijo Gerardo, su esposo Marcos y muchos miembros de su familia que se regocijan en verla de nuevo en un lugar especial en que todos nosotros deseamos algún llegar. Cierto, habrán lágrimas cuando pensemos en ella; cierto, nos dolerá su ausencia durante los días de fiesta que vendrán, pero encontraremos consuelo sabiendo que está en lugar hermoso, el Cielo. Mi oración es que encontremos la paz para empezar con el proceso de alivio y consuelo. Muy pronto, nuestras lágrimas se convertirán en sonrisas cuando pensemos en ella y durante nuestras reuniones, vamos a compartir todas esas memorias de su gozo y risas. Querida familia, continuemos viviendo con unidad, amor y respeto.

Hoy, un día tan especial, celebramos la VIDA de Mamá Mago.

  “Ni Siquiera la distancia cambiara los momentos compartidos a tu lado. Sencillamente eres irremplazable”

Life's blessings

The smallest little blessing can mean a lifelong change. This little girl is just that. She will forever change the life of my sister. From the moment we knew she was coming we all felt joy, but it was laced with the mixed emotion of fear. Just a small fear because our faith won't let us doubt for too long. I am thankful for the amazing God I have in my life. Thank you for staying at my sisters side because I know you were the one there with a hand on her shoulder and with your grace she brought this beautiful child into this world. A few scares along the way, but even though I didn't feel any of it, I know by looking at my sisters expression that Evanni is all worth it! Worth the pain, worth the tears and worth the 37 weeks of high risk pregnancy that she endured, because it was not easy. 

This little blessing is an angel. She is proving to be a diva, but one that will have us all wrapped around her finger. Welcome home Evanni! 

Happy birthday Evanni!

Born on 6.3.13 @ 8:46am. 

Almost 24 hours after your mama was induced you arrived. With about 15mins of painful pushing -you decided you weren't going to wait any longer and to everyone's surprise, even the doctor and nurses, you came quickly!! Weighing in at 6lbs 8oz and 19 inches long. 

Here you are with your grandma and great grandma! 

Just me and you! All bundled up! 

You look just like your daddy! 

24 hour photo, you can see the small changes already in just one day! 

Your newborn sized clothes fit you a little big, I went to go buy you preemie sizes and those fit you snug! Eat a little more baby girl! 

Tia loves you! 

6.2.13 @6pm

Mama is 1.5cm dilated, which means you are coming, but slowly. However, the contractions are getting stronger for her. 

We have a poll to see how long til you are here.. So far these are our guesses. 

It's now noon

Mom checked in at 9am. She has been having contractions... They are about 9mins apart now. I could hear you hiccuping inside your mama's tummy.It's such   an amazing thing. I'm excited because I get to stay and see you come into this world. Unless you come by c-section. 

You are having a ball inside mama's tummy. Moving around. Cleaning house I guess cause you will be leaving the home in your mama's tummy soon.  So pack your bags and leave it nice and tidy for your future sibling. 

Countdown begins

Will it be hours or days? We don't know. However long it takes for you to make a healthy entrance into this world we will be ready! We had a family breakfast this morning with your mama and daddy before they headed to the hospital. I went home after to wait for a call to let me know you were on your way, but guess what? I'm here. At the hospital. I just couldn't sit still at home. I don't know if they are nerves or excitement! Funny story. Your mom just called and I confessed to her that I was already here and she said she wasn't surprised because our mom, your grandma, had just walked in too!!! We must think alike. 

Here is our family . . . Minus your TiO Juan cause he was working. 

We will take a new one, once you are here. 

Side note: mom and dad just had a tiny discussion about where you will go to school. You'll be a REDCAT. Mom says! 

To be continued. Tia needs to charge her battery. 

Here's what mama's feet look like, little chubbies!!!

Babyshower 5.4.13

Your baby shower almost didn't happen. Mama was being tested for toxemia. Thank God the results were good and she was able to attend your baby shower. It was a success. Your Tia Xoch did a great job decorating 

Everyone helped out to make it happen. 

Grandma Meza and Tia crystal made sure your cake was perfect ....

Your mama was glowing and your were showered with love and many gifts!!! Our family and close friends were there and they are all ready to meet you. 

Evanni Meelah 💜

This is the spelling mom and dad have chosen for you..it may change, but as of today this is what it is. Your mom has spent the better part of this weekend in the hospital, starting on Friday. Her overnight on Friday evening was quite an experience because she heard a lot of pregnant women screaming from possibly giving birth. She says she isn't scared, but I bet she is anxious. Her hospital food was too bland so your dad ordered her a pizza (the one pregnancy craving she could not live without). He also brought her coldstones ice cream, even though she wanted baskin Robbins 31 flavors. She still enjoyed it. 

After that hospital stay and Mondays follow up your mom now knows she has preeclampsia. At week 37 mama will be induced. Which means in about 10days you will be here!!!! 

I am nervous, scared, anxious and excited!! Can't wait to meet you Evanni! 

Tia is overjoyed at the thought of you being here any day now! You are proving to be such a diva already.. Making us all run to the hospital every other day because you seem to be coming, but then you calm down. mama wants to cook you longer. Please take it easy on mama when you decide to bless us with your birth. 

Five days away . . . .

It's just a few days away. I know every year he looks forward to hearing from you.  His birthday and Father's day use to be the two days of the year that he was guaranteed to hear from you. However, last year...the calls didn't come. This year, I will hold my breath and maybe even try to keep him busy.  I'm afraid you won't call and I'm afraid of how it will hurt him.  He doesn't talk to me about you much lately...except to ask me how I think you are doing.  You give me a minimal look into your life via social networking, but he gets even less.  I know when he sits in his office and is just staring into space, it's because you are weighing heavy on his mind. I wish you hadn't changed your number or at least that you would have shared it with us. I miss you dearly and he misses you more.  I remind him that you are getting older and that it's only a matter of time before you reach out and we will hear from you again.  He fears that if you do run back to us it will be in rebellion against your mother and you know he always wants to keep that peace. 

I always wonder what you are thinking, how you are doing and if we ever cross your mind.  We have moved since you last lived with us and the room that should be yours in the new place has stayed empty.  We sold the twin bed you once used, with the plans to upgrade you to a full size bed.  I kept all your decor, but I'm sure you want to upgrade those too.  The clothes that hung in your closet will Definitely not fit you. I'm sure you have sprouted longer legs and are maturing into a young lady. I'm counting the months because saying years makes it a bit clearer to me that so much time has passed. 

If the day comes when you return, you won't come back as the day you left.  You are growing and we are missing it.

Feels like dejavu.  Actually, it's exactly that.  You disappeared from our lives once before.  When we finally got you back, it had been five years and a 3 year old is much different compared to an 8 year old.  We missed those years and I see it happening all over again. We are missing the years that you grow into a teenager. 

We understand and will continue to be patient.  You have endured so much in your short life. I just pray God is at your side and helping you deal with it all.  I pray He holds your hand like your daddy would and that He gives you that shoulder to cry on like I would.  

Five days away from your dad's birthday and all I can do is hold my breath. 

Love & miss you....

A letter I'll never send

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to hold my tongue sometimes. The motivation is that I know that God has a plan for you and that you will get to know Him one day and He will shed light on truth. Until then, I sit quietly and I pray for you that you will not be led too astray by your mother. She doesn’t like people and has a negative world view that will be passed onto you. One day, you will see Truth. But my prayer is that the lens of unconditional love will be removed and you will see your mother for what she is: A lost, broken, mentally unstable person who has parentified you and stolen your childhood as a result. I pray that God will restore to you your youth, your carefree days. I don’t hate your mother and I don’t want you to hate her. I want you to distance yourself from her manipulative, unhealthy and childish ways and establish yourself firmly in the goodness of Jesus Christ and have the self confidence of someone who has been taken care of her whole life, rather than the one who has taken care. I love you. I’m sorry when I use to tolerate you. I did that a lot and it is hard because I see so much of your mom in you it sadly appalled me. It is darkness and light. You are light and yet, there is this darkness in you, this cloud that hangs over you, this lack of caring about anyone else, that I cannot ignore. I hate it. I don’t hate you. I pray that you will give your life to jesus sooner than later and that he gives you supernatural wisdom and understanding. Your mother is not healthy. Love her, yes. Be respectful, yes, but i pray you do not emulate her. Do not carry on the legacy she is trying so desperately to hang on you. You were made for much more than your mother has shown you through her own life. Pray for your mother, that she too will know the forgiveness and peace that is only found in Jesus. Do not think of yourself as better than her. But do know, that God has called you to a purpose and you are perfectly made. You do not have to carry on your mother’s traits. Boldly refuse them. I pray God gives you clarity to see those traits from which you need to run. Light and darkness are not supposed to be able to be mutually present, but I see them both in you. Win the struggle, be light, as I know you were made to be.

Ma ma's cravings

grilled chicken, pasta salad, baked green beans, mash potatoes w/ gravy and Hawaiian bread!!!

Evanni:
Mama is 30 weeks today...
This was on the menu tonight-minus the baked green beans ... Your mama has the craziest cravings. She tried explaining to me what the green beans were, but we couldn't find them at the store ..so that part of the craving did not happen. Might I add that we also searched the frozen section of the store for OTTER POPS (otter pops are sold NOT FROZEN) so mama settled for jolly rancher Popsicles. She ate about five before I stopped counting. She said most of them were for you.
Your baby shower is in about three weeks, so stay cooking until then please!!!
Love you bunches babygirl!

Tia Mags

My dearest Evanni:
In a little less than two months, you will be here. I still remember the call your mom gave me, at almost midnight! She asked if I was awake and then said to wait for a text message with a photo. I'm not sure how I knew before even opening the message, but the image of her positive pregnancy test, did not surprise me. I was crying before I could actually make out the two lines in each window, which indicated that she was indeed pregnant !! I called her right back and choked on my words, but managed to scream with excitement "we're having a baby!" You see, Evanni, your mom is my sister and despite the years between us, she is my best friend. She is one special person and holds a special place in my heart because she fought so hard to be in this world since day one. I love her unconditionally and you are going to be her life!! So guess what?? You will be stuck with this crazy Tia!! To be honest I was on team boy even after we knew you were a girl!! Haha. I kept saying you would surprise us and be a boy!! I'm sure you will be beautiful like your mama, she looks just like me, so you are both very lucky!

I can't lie to you, I am terrified of what the next few weeks will bring. I am afraid of the unknown and I'm sure every pregnancy has its risks, but your mama is so fragile!! So I'm asking you to please take it easy on her. If you want to come early, please make sure you are ready, but if you are going to wait it out, please remember that mama's health is fragile! She loves you too much already to think of herself, but I love you both and want the best outcome for both of you!! I can't wait to hold you and kiss you. You are the first baby for our family and we will spoil you like crazy!! So many people love you already and cannot wait to meet you.

See you soon.
Your favorite Tia 😉

Looking for my rainbow

I see you
And all the signs
I hear you when you cry at night
And I don't need to wonder why

I watch you toss and turn
And follow you from the bed, to the couch and then down to the floor.

I'm in your shadow throughout the day
Just a few steps behind to stay out of your way.

I'm in your corner, in that space, the one you go to when you can't show your face.

I listen when you scream and shout
I understand what it's all about
I see past all the cries and tears
I know that it's only just your fears

I'm sorry that I can't lend my hand
I'm sorry that I can't lend my shoulder
I'm sorry that I don't have the words
I'm sorry that I don't have the courage

I accept that I can't take your hand
I accept that I can't lean on your shoulder
I accept that I don't hear your words
I accept that I can't use your courage

I recognize you
Do you recognize me?
I am you and you are me

I see the girl I have become
Dark and moody and always bummed
I let the ugliness get out with every scream and every shout
I see my hurt and all the pain
Just wish I knew how to get her back
Hope the rainbow comes after all this rain!

18mths and counting

More than a year seems too long to say that it's the last time you spent time with us! More than a year ago, things weren't perfect, but we were happy. You were happy, weren't you? Despite the craziness that life was between your moms home and our home...You knew who your mom was you knew who your dad was and well I was about to marry your father and be stepmom to you. I remember the conversation we had, when you kept asking me what you would call me after he and I were married... My reply was whatever you want to call me. I walk around with a piece of me missing. I wasn't your mom, but I watched you grow up into this young lady. You were a part of my life just as much as you were a part of his. I have loved you since the first day your dad let me hold you!! you were such a cute baby. (yes your dad! He is your dad, always has been for 12 years and counting he will be your father no matter what any DNA test says now) his heart didn't change when we found out! Did he hurt? YES was he confused? YES does he still love you ? ALWAYS. We miss you so much. I miss you, and sometimes I miss you in silence just because I'm afraid to open a wound in him that I know hasn't healed. We wished for so long that nothing would change. And we never blame you for wanting space. If we, as adults, felt a deep despair at the news , I could not imagine what you felt. I pray one day, you will reach out for us again. We will be here!! Waiting. When you are ready.