Mommy diary: pg 34

Isabella:

Hey baby girl, mama misses you.

You know how much I love you, sometimes so much that it hurts.
You also know by now, that I packed some of your things away:
the cute onesie's your tia Xoch bought for you last CHRISTmas,
the baby jammies dad and I bought for you,
your very first baby blanket that I should have wrapped you in at birth and brought you home in.

They have stayed in your corner in mama's closet, all this time. 
Sadly, I am brought to tears when I go into my closet....your items never moved...they never made it into your nursery, never made it into your drawers, you  never wore them, they still have the price tags on them and that breaks mama's heart every time I find myself staring at your things.
I've wrapped your items into a gift and one day it will be your gift to your future sibling, that I pray I will be blessed with.


I imagined  by now that I would be pregnant again. Instead I sent you a sister to play with. 
Mama can be so selfish sometimes because I wish I could have kept you both.  I wish my arms weren't empty at this moment, I wish my heart didn't ache as much as it does.  I promised you that I would make your home in my heart and I promised that I would keep it  filled with only LOVE. I'm sorry if I sometimes let the fear, anger and loneliness creep in. Mama is only human....and that's a weakness I am flawed with.  All of this love I have for you makes me yearn for reciprocation.  I want to feel your kisses, your warmth, smell your baby breath, hear the sweet sound of your giggles, look into your eyes and see your father, run my fingers through your curls that match my own.  I have imagined you before I even knew I was pregnant and it's what keeps me going.  Cause one day, we will be blessed with your sibling and he/she will remind me of you. 

We are coming up on 1 year of your angelversary, but before that 1 year mark comes....I need to survive these holidays.  The holidays that should have been your first! Stay with me in my darkness, be my light and get me through it.

Mama loves you Isabella Rae

Mommy diary: pg.33

I'm such a planner.

I think ahead all of the time. 

My husband and I go through clearance items after the holidays because we are always planning for the following year. 

Which explains why today as we unpacked CHRISTmas - I found a tiny little Christmas baby shoe ornament, labeled "baby's 1st Christmas."

Last Christmas season was such a happy time for us. We announced our pregnancy to my family and New Year's Eve we announced it to the world. We spent these weeks and the few following on cloud 9. So of course- we clearanced shopped for 3-6mth old holiday baby outfits (which are still hanging in my closet next to other items we were gifted).

Now here I am today organizing and bringing out Christmas.  I never imagined finding this ornament.  To be honest I had forgotten all about it.  Yet I stood there with a blank stare on my face and this huge knot in my throat as I stared at the bottom of the ornament bag. Holding back tears because I'm so tired of crying.   I recently hid a bunch of people on fb  because I didn't want reminders or triggers. Well what a surprise I gave myself today.  A year ago I planned ahead to spend this very first Christmas with my baby and honor the holiday with a cute ornament. Who knows....Perhaps this would become a tradition, daddy buying her a new one every year. Yet, today it proved to be a huge trigger.  Slap in my face.