Mommy diary: pg 38

Today is the anniversary of the day you left my world. I can remember the hours leading up to it, just like it was yesterday. I'll spend today in bed, cause mommy is really sick. It's very fitting, cause I spent that same day in bed too. Hoping to reverse whatever was already set in play. I miss you baby girl. Even if my world doesn't understand my grief or if reading this doesn't make sense to them. I'm not the same person I was before you. That's okay.                                                                              

 

I wish your time with me was a little bit longer, you made mama's heart just a little bit stronger / I'd be lying if I said this year wasn't tough, cause the little time I had with you was simply not enough / you changed my life. I'm someone entirely new, this I now know to be my only truth / I LOVE DEEPER, because of YOU, I CRY HARDER, because of YOU, I AM A MOMMY, because of YOU! Mama Ioves you Isabella Rae! #mamatoangels #imakeangels #mydaughterhaswings #myfirstbornhaswings #miscarriagematters #angelbaby #iblog #iwritemysoul

Mommy diary: pg. 37

My dearest Isabella:

"You are missing from me"

"Tu me manques"

Mama has you on her mind a lot lately. 

I spent these same days last year on bedrest, cause it was leading up to the day I lost you. 

I am currently sick. I've spent a lot of time in bed, resting, going on almost 72 hours. The same amount of hours I spent praying and crying, last year, while your grandma tried to remind me to put my trust in God. 

Although, I am physically in pain with the aches in my body, soreness in my throat and pain in my ears. Nothing compares to a broken heart, shattered dreams and empty arms. 

I just miss you so much. That's all I have to say. I lived this past year missing a part of me. I'll live the rest of my life missing that part of me. You were mine and I was yours from the moment I knew you were there and you will always be the missing part of me.  

"You are missing from me"

"Tu me Manques"

Mommy diary: pg 36

Now

If I have to define this place in time, the best word I can think of is LIVING.

I am living with a missing piece of me.

I am living with a loss.

I am living with this grief.

I am living with my emptiness.

I am living with my sadness.

I am living a life that I would have given for them, my babies, my angels.

And for that, I also live with LOVE.

Because I know death.

It's touched my family one too many times in such a short while. Death is inevitable - this we all know. 

It doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make it easy to forget.

So because I remember it and live it, I also love harder and love deeper.

Sure,  my fear lingers and sometimes I act irrational, but I am a better person for it. 

I will never be the same person I was before these precious babies made me their mama. I will never ever ever be the same.

So this is me, now! Irrevocably changed and trying to LIVE! Just LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH sometimes! #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart

Mommy diary: pg 35

My husband's work schedule recently changed. We just did the first full week. He leaves to work while I am already working and gets home when I've already been sleeping for a while. His only days off are mon and tues. This isn't the first time he has had this similar schedule, but for some reason i am taking this very hard. I won't be seeing him or be able to spend much quality time with him now. Forget TTC, this schedule makes us both exhausted from the crazy hours and the fact that i now have the added stress of his long driving routes. I wouldn't ever complain to him, just needed to put it out there. I woke up feeling a certain kind of way today and I can't shake it. Probably having to do with the fact that I am also attending church without him. Even as I write this, I know this isn't even the real issue. I've been holding back a lot lately. Maybe because I'm tired of the tears or I'm tired of the constant nagging from family members about me skipping the holidays. Sometimes I want to scream at them, just plain lose it so they can see "wow she really is crazy" I was pregnant this time last year, did they forget.?! Yah, everyone forgot about her, only the mother grieves the child they never got to hold. If I could hold my breath and wake up in February it may be easier. My brain is clouded with what if's and it's making me feel like a big fat failure.  Time to go to church, a place that use to bring me peace and now I just think I come because it's the thing I usually do on Sunday's and anything remotely close to normal I need to hold onto for my sanity. Today I feel like a hypocrite cause I am so upset and pointing fingers to the heavens. How much more hurt am I going to have to put up with? Why does this even hurt this much?    -Isabella Rae's mommy 👼1.23.14