Mommy diary: pg 35

My husband's work schedule recently changed. We just did the first full week. He leaves to work while I am already working and gets home when I've already been sleeping for a while. His only days off are mon and tues. This isn't the first time he has had this similar schedule, but for some reason i am taking this very hard. I won't be seeing him or be able to spend much quality time with him now. Forget TTC, this schedule makes us both exhausted from the crazy hours and the fact that i now have the added stress of his long driving routes. I wouldn't ever complain to him, just needed to put it out there. I woke up feeling a certain kind of way today and I can't shake it. Probably having to do with the fact that I am also attending church without him. Even as I write this, I know this isn't even the real issue. I've been holding back a lot lately. Maybe because I'm tired of the tears or I'm tired of the constant nagging from family members about me skipping the holidays. Sometimes I want to scream at them, just plain lose it so they can see "wow she really is crazy" I was pregnant this time last year, did they forget.?! Yah, everyone forgot about her, only the mother grieves the child they never got to hold. If I could hold my breath and wake up in February it may be easier. My brain is clouded with what if's and it's making me feel like a big fat failure.  Time to go to church, a place that use to bring me peace and now I just think I come because it's the thing I usually do on Sunday's and anything remotely close to normal I need to hold onto for my sanity. Today I feel like a hypocrite cause I am so upset and pointing fingers to the heavens. How much more hurt am I going to have to put up with? Why does this even hurt this much?    -Isabella Rae's mommy 👼1.23.14