A Letter I'll never Send: page 3

This time last year I was wishing you a happy birthday and hoping that you were enjoying it with your loved ones. We sent you a gift, which was returned, but that's ok. 

Today marks your 14th birthday and although things are not perfect, I am happy that we are in contact and that We've spent the last couple months catching up and making new memories. 

I can't promise you the world or that things will get easier. I can't promise that the confusion you still feel will go away tomorrow. What I can promise is that I'm going to be here if you need an ear to vent, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to laugh with about crazy things we do or say. 

Happy birthday Alyssa Nikole!

2 hrs 40 mins

I'm a bookkeeper for a church.
My office sits directly behind the secretaries office.
We are divided by a hallway, but on cool mornings like today, I keep my door open to let the sunshine in. 
Her office is illuminated with light, she has so many windows. The front door office faces the church and I can see the stained glass windows. 

I rarely ever have contact with our parishioners or the public.  I never take any calls or receive faxes for service requests.  However, the secretary needed coverage this morning, so I've been on phone duty.  So far in the hour that I've been answering calls, I've had five separate calls for funeral requests.  A minute ago a sixth call from a funeral home. I didn't answer. I figured the secretary could hear messages on the answering machine just as well as reading my written notes. Three rings....four rings.... "Hi, you've reached St. ," my voice is on the answering machine.  I've decided not to answer calls any more this morning.  I'm too vulnerable to hear about death. I can't offer any consolation to the other person on the other end. I know the grief of loss that they are feeling. What can I possibly say to them? I would be spewing out hypocrisy, lies, the same automated responses people say to me. Even as I write this I know that I am not in a place to give advice.  I LOVE GOD, I KNOW GOD, and I KNOW MY FAITH., but today and probably tomorrow, I am a hurting  mother who is going through something that no mother should ever have to go through especially for the second time......and I am tired.

A new ring tone is coming from her office. Not the office phone...it's the fax.  I walk into her office and examine the faxes already sitting in the machine as the new one prints out.  Trash, trash, trash.. all junk mail!

As the fax prints, I can already see it's a funeral request.  I pull it out and start to read, beautiful name!

Age: 2 hrs, 40 mins
Cause of death:  prematurity

For that one moment, alone in the front office, I cried tears that I thought I no longer had.
And as I read the mother and fathers name, I felt a sense of jealousy.

Jealous of the 2hrs and 40 mins that mother got to hold her child in her arms.
Jealous of the 2hrs and 40 mins that she got smell her child, kiss her child.

I'm human.
I'm a sinner.
I'm a mother.

Mommy diary: pg 24

This month, I should be planning a baby shower for you, taking maternity photos, adding touches to your nursery. Instead I'm sad all over again cause mommy is trying her best to rest and make sure your brother or sister stays safe. I know exactly what is happening, but I'm not ready to admit it to myself. 

Mama loves you Isabella

Please watch over me and your little sibling! I'm probably more scared than I would like to admit. Losing you was the hardest thing for me this far and going through another loss is heartbreaking all over again. 

Mommy diary: pg 23

I suffered my first miscarriage in jan 2014.

I am currently suffering through a second. 

I wasn't ready to be pregnant again.

I didn't know I was pregnant again.

My body reacted in such a familiar way it's scary how much the body can tell you. I knew exactly what was happening to me and all I needed was a confirmed pregnancy. I got that today. I am in fact pregnant, but miscarrying. 

How is it possible that it took us 3yrs to conceive our first baby and then lose her at 10wks and this time I got pregnant so fast, without even planning.

I am confused, in denial and hate hate hate that my body is doing this to me again. I wasn't ready to be pregnant and I sure as hell was not ready to miscarry for a second time in less than six mths. 

I'm not okay. 

I hope God knows what HE is doing with me and I am praying HE gives me the strength to accept what HE has planned for me and to get through everything up ahead.

Mommy diary: pg 22

My first ultrasound was in an ER. I didn't get to see. Everything was so routine, so fast, zero bedside manners. This was my first pregnancy, my first baby and although my husband was there, they didn't allow him to come to ultrasound room and it was his first experience also, so we didn't do much more than what we were told. A few days later I was back in a different hospital ER and this time my husband went to exam rm with me, he was in a position to see and he got to hear the heart beat. I was overwhelmed this time and in pain that I didn't pay attn, this was the evening they told me I was miscarrying. I had to wait the wknd and a holiday on Monday, so didn't see my OB til a few days, she did scans and with my mom and my husband in the room, they all saw the screen, but I didn't. Nobody said anything, but I knew from the way my husband squeezed my arm. So when the dr said they couldn't find my baby and that she was on her way out, I wasn't surprised. My nightmare had officially began. Once I dressed and composed myself I asked for my scans, they said there was nothing there and I said yes, my babies first home is there, the sac. I want to see it. That is the only image I have.