Mommy diary: pg 32

Support. Even if you don't want it, in some shape or form - it's there. At least that's how it is when you have a family like mine.

I know that they don't know what to say or how to say it. Most times they don't understand how I am feeling or what I need. 

The most important thing is that they show up. So far, they haven't failed me. They have exceeded the expectations I may have had in the beginning because I was and sometimes still am in such a lonely place that I believe that I am alone. When in reality, that is far from the truth. 

I said to them all week that I understood if they didn't make it out to this healing walk. I truly meant it when I said it too. Even on the drive up- I was only really sure that one other person besides my husband would be attending with me. 

Made me so happy to have them there with me. It truly was an amazing experience and I'm excited to attend their other events as well. 

Mommy Diary: pg 31

As a child, I would categorize the time of the year as follows: summer break, winter break - school days, weekends. . . . this followed into my college years.  As a working adult, my categories transitioned into: Monday through Friday, then "hello weekend, good bye to summer and winter breaks!!"  Although, I have returned to enjoying summer and winter breaks, now that I work for the school district, I seem to tell time differently now.

Let's label this as TTC (trying to conceive) time.
Each month is broken up into 4 categories:

Shark week: that 5-7 day period where I am miserable because aunt flow has now made her appearance. I spend it moping around the house, feeling all the regular symptoms any other female feels with the added emotional stress of completely failing to get pregnant the month before.

Ovulation week: also a 3-5 day gap, sometimes longer, where I try to politely, initiate sex, without  pressuring him or letting him know how the next few days are super important and will determine the rest of the month for me. No pressure babe, but just so you know, I have prepped for this for some time now, and let's make the most of the next few days. Oh yahhhhh, cause that is such a turn on. Being on a schedule sucks.

The next 2 weeks (TWW - two week wait): I wait, somewhat patiently. Thinking about all the prep I had to do this month, the temping, the frequent urinating at certain hours of the day.  The numerous tests I threw out because I was certain I did it wrong.  Can I add that I am still concerned if I am even testing correctly?? What if my ovulating days are completing off? Just imagine all the "what if's?"  The added stress leading up to 5 days before my next period, because then I get anxious.  I am tempted to start to do at home pregnancy tests, hoping to catch an early detection.  I try to hold out as long as i can, but almost every month without fail, I test early, sometimes twice and so far, big fat negatives, which are followed up with that rude appearance that aunt flow makes to announce the beginning of Shark week.

2 more months of this and then we start looking into other options to help us conceive. 

Mommy diary: pg 30

I come here more often now. 

It's always the same.

Peaceful. Quiet. Birds chirping. Breeze running through the trees, making the leaves shake. 

I don't like it here.

Sometimes I want to dig you up and take you with me. 

Sounds crazy, huh.

I can sit here for so long and just imagine my life with you. Your first Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas. 

Christmas......I have 3mth onesies hanging in the closet still. Two of them. 

Then I imagine, years down the road, you running into my arms, calling me "mommy".

Missing you isn't even the word. 

You are a missing piece of me. 

You are missing from my life.

My life will never be the same.

I will never be the same. 

Infant and pregnancy loss awareness

A tiny pink stone. So small that it fits in my hand. I placed it in my pocket and all day I found myself squeezing it between my fingers. Daddy gifted it to me just yesterday and he said I should keep a piece of him with me all day long, but today I had you girls on my mind and strangely, that little pink stone brought me so much comfort. I felt you with me. After all, you were a piece of him and a piece of me, wrapped up in your little beings. 

I miss you every day. As I'm sure I will miss u forever. 

I wish I could have given you my warmth.

I wish I could have smothered you with kisses.

I wish daddy could have rocked you while singing you to sleep. 

I pray to God that you both know how much you were wanted, how much you are loved and how much you are missed.

My continuous burning candle, I hope it shines bright tonight for you girls and all of the angel babies.  I learned about this day a year or two ago. A classmate of mine, had suffered a loss and via social media, I became aware of this Remembrance Day. I lit a candle that year for her son. 

Never in my life could I imagine that fast forward a few years and here I am lighting a candle for not one, but two angel babies. 

 

Mama loves you 😘

Mommy diary: pg 29

When I show up "on time" to his work for pick up and he already has the door open for me, usually means he is working OT and I have to wait in the office, where it's always nice and cool and his manager is such a nice person, I don't mind it all. 

Except for today. 

I walk in, put my things down and I hear something - I can't say it's a familiar sound because "am I really hearing baby coos in his office?"

 I walk out into the hallway and in his managers office is a small baby, tiny little thing. I rush by and head for the bathroom, where I try to collect myself. I'm fine. I'm okay. Just walk back to the main office where you always wait and make small talk, a quick hello, so I'm not labeled rude, but don't make contact with baby, or you will surely lose it. 

So I have my head straight and I step out of the bathroom, pick up my head and walk forward, then mom (I'm assuming she's mom) is now in my path way holding said baby. Wow, this will be awkward. We stop, say hello and just as I get the courage to acknowledge the baby, I reach out towards his little chubby hands and as I'm about to grab and caress his hand, mom takes a step to the side, making his hand out of reach for me, not thinking, I try once more and almost intentionally now, she moves to another side and my hand misses his hand again. This time I take the hint and in the same breath that it takes for me to say goodbye, I'm already heading back to the main office, not looking back to give the baby one more glance. 

Not sure if I am imagining her not allowing me to make physical contact with her child- she doesn't know me personally, but isn't it normal for people to acknowledge babies with a touch. I'm not sure anymore. I've spent so much time avoiding babies all together. 

Maybe there is this great big flashing sign on my forehead that reads "danger: can't carry own children to term, proceed with caution!"

Vent over. Can't wait to be home, in my bubble, where nobody judges me or at least I won't feel like anyone is judging me.