Mommy diary: page 9

It can only get easier now... I think I can have closure. I was told worse case scenario, I pass baby with labor pains, and I would be the one to do so. I pretty much gave birth to my baby today. I think this is how I would want it. It makes my pregnancy real to me. It had a beginning and an end and my baby lived her intended life span. 

I realize that everything I say is positive and that my outlook on this is to move forward. 

My mind can play such dirty games because no matter the distractions or the optimism that is laced in every word that comes out of my mouth, the fact of the matter is that I lost my child, but there will be no funeral or the things that fall in place when someone loses a loved one. Nobody will go out of their way to bring cooked meals for my husband ( who will probably starve). This isn't that type of loss. 

 I'm expected to go back to work, go about my day and this grief that will probably never end, I will endure in silence.  Because I lost a child that only I knew, that touched my heart since before I knew she was there.... Because she was always wanted, she was always loved. My Isabella Rae.