I just had this rare, but much appreciated conversation with my priest about life. The topic of Robin Williams death was brought up. I had to explain to him a little about depression and the apparent suspected suicide. He seemed at first to ask questions like "why?" and "depressed for what?" very innocent like questions. I never thought I would have to break down a brief description of depression to a man of GOD. As I reflect now, I can justify the why. He is a man of God and if people have God in their lives, they are happy and that is enough. God puts us first in all situations, why wouldn't we put HIM at the forefront of our lives, to fight our battles and to shield us from pain and harm. I am not naive to the fact that pain and hurt are a part of our lives, but I find comfort in knowing I do not fight my battles alone, EVER!
Well, maybe sometimes.....
Yesterday, was a tough day for me, personally. As I have been in a battle myself and I struggle with giving God the reigns and then initiate a game of tug-of-war with HIM to try and tackle life by myself. I can find myself in the deepest of mental breakdowns and let me not sugar coat this for any of you, I AM LIVING WITH DEPRESSION. It's an ugly monster who spears it's head in and out of my daily tasks. I know what it's like to cry in the shower so that no one hears me, to wait until my husband falls asleep before I fall apart. To avoid any and all situations where a possible trigger can occur. Keeping my family at bay and putting on a smile to not make anyone feel uncomfortable, cause the once -cheery, bring-my-own-sunshine, bubbly, free-spirited girl, now carries a rain cloud around and doesn't even bother to use an umbrella, cause oh you know, lightning might strike and that would be on a good day.
I, honestly, don't remember what it's like to not feel broken.
As I had this conversation with my priest, and I am spewing out all this information regarding: depression, anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns....somewhere deep in my brain I also wonder, why he hasn't asked me the one question that will send me for a loop "why are you so informed on this topic?" My reaction would show my weakness and let him know, that I am so informed about this topic, because it is very simple.....yet not so simple at all...... I am a victim. This very thought of exposing myself, in my workplace, scares me to the core and I quickly change the subject, offer up prayers to Robin Williams and his family and suggest that an excerpt regarding depression and suicide be arranged into this week's homily. Then I quickly excuse myself and exit to my office, where I can break down behind closed doors and hide out until lunch time.
D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N
Most people know the what and the why? they just don't know the how?
How to move forward, how to smile again.
Close
your mouth, because unfortunately, unless you have been in their
situation, you do not know the right words to say and more times than
not, your words will hurt and cause more harm than good. So extend your
hand to help, extend your ear and listen. If
you know someone who is depressed and you're worried about them, REACH
OUT! Don't just assume it'll go away. Depression is a life crippling
monster, that affects anyone! It does not discriminate! Whether or not
you understand why someone has depression, that does not matter because they may not understand it either.....what
matters is you trying to help! Don't ignore it.
I didn't much care that my news feed on social media sites
filled up with praises and remembrances for this man, an actor, somebody
none of us know in person, but yet he touched millions of lives through
his films, his comedy, his generosity and love of life. Love of life! I
say this with no disrespect, but how ironic.
Robin
William's will always be remembered for the good and the great man that
he was, but it is my hope, that his death will also hold some meaning and help raise awareness.
Nobody is immune to that ugly disease, not the strong, not the faithful
and surely not the ones who have it all.
I hope you find the peace you so desperately needed.
Rest in paradise Robin Williams
No comments:
Post a Comment