Back to that place where my mind starts to race

With your angelversary a few days away, I had already found this photo to post with some words so that you would know that you are thought of. You know that lately I have been so obsessed with time, dates and different timelines. It's really sad now that I stop to think about it. My life in the last six mths has been plagued with this crazy keeping time cycle, counting the wks and days and engraving dates that pain my heart and puts my mind in this craze. 

I'm good with numbers though, that's why it's easy for them to etch themselves in my head and never leave. My husband thinks it's scary how fast I can sound out his SSN and then I tell him "it's easy, here's my moms, and my dad's" we just laugh. 

I think of you everyday, but it's been of memories that make me smile and laugh and moments that remind me of you.

Tonight, was just pain and hurt and this urge to leave with the quickness  because the overwhelming feeling was suffocating me. 

I went back to place where I last saw you alive. The place where I last heard your voice, that hospital that I spent one of my last nights with you. Cause you had so much fight in you and even up until the last few days you were giving those nurses a hard time. Makes me laugh just remembering that small part of me that would be embarrassed.Thankfully   very few of them knew Spanish and couldn't understand although I am sure my blushing cheeks gave it away.

I miss you grandma. I know you hear me. I talk to you every day. I just wish I could hear you, Feel you, smell you. 

Kiss my babies for me, tell them about me... Cause if I had them here with me, they would know what an amazing grandma you were to me. 

One of my last conversations with you was about my family planning. You were more concerned with my heart condition and I was preparing myself and selfishly thinking that my children would never get to meet you. How very wrong I was. I like to think that you greeted them in heaven and that they know love and warmth from a mother. Te quiero tanto mi reina, pero aqui me haces mucha falta.