Mommy Diary: page 26

I'm at work now, and it's hit me.  The tired feeling. The "let me put my head down for a second and pass out" phase.  I get little to no sleep lately. I just can't fall asleep. I think too much. Can't make my mind stop.  I don't want to rely on sleeping aids to get my rest. So I'm doing things as best I can. Which seems to not be working.

Yesterday's trigger:  Spent a good time at work, it's been crazy here lately. Visited with my niece at my mom's, then got home close to ten (this is a normal time).  I walked out to the mail and I received a target gift discount in the mail. It read something along the lines of your due date is almost here, and to be honest I stopped reading.

My due date would almost be here, the due date for my first angel, Isabella Rae. A baby shower would have been had already and a nursery would be getting put together.  Instead, the  nursery has been converted to a guest bedroom and I spent this week, selling off baby clothes and baby accessories that my sister needed sold, when in reality, if my baby was still on track to being born, I more than likely would have kept all of the baby clothes and baby items, that my beautiful one year old niece no longer has use for. 

Lately I've been consumed with time. I count out weeks now. And I am about to start a new count- for the new loss. Adelina, is the name we chose. 

I have new dates to remember: how many weeks was I? How far along should I be? The date I miscarried.. How old she would be? Everything is overwhelming.  All I wanted was a birth date. Just a birth date and my baby. Now I have two angels and all of these different dates and times that mark a painful memory, but it's a memory I don't want to lose or forget because it's all I have of them. 

So this was my trigger yesterday.  It's nobody's fault. Not even mine. 
It just plain sucks.

that's all. 

sucks. 

Isabella Rae
due date: 8/30/2014
born in heaven date: 1/28/2014

Adelina
due date: 2/12/2015
born in heaven date: 6/19/2014