Mommy Diary: page 25

This is MY safe zone.  I can blog about my emotions, fears, hopes and I can do so without any judgement.

I'm not sure I've put much thought into what's being going on with me personally. 

This second miscarriage isn't sinking in. 

I feel that if I grieve for this second angel of mine, I am taking away from Isabella (my first angel).
Even that right there is a huge deal for me. ISABELLA - I named my first angel.  I gave her a name because she is real... she lived her intended life span and she was named.

My second angel isn't named - yet.

I didn't know of this pregnancy until I was already miscarrying.  I was afraid to name the baby because I was too afraid to acknowledge the reality of my second miscarriage.  Naming the baby would make it real.
As if the first miscarriage wasn't traumatic enough for me - going through a second one was something I wasn't ready for.  Something I DID NOT want.  So, I went about my days very different in this miscarriage than I did the first.  I didn't even take time off from work right away. I finished up the last few days of the school year and then, only then, did I devote myself to bed rest.  Some would question that decision, but I was not putting myself or my body or the baby in any additional risk. 

Now that this second miscarriage has come to a complete end.  I can begin with the healing.  My body will bounce back soon enough, it''s already working in a faster timeline in comparison to the first miscarriage. 
Once, my body is back to normal, my heart and soul can begin to heal.  Only then, because meanwhile I heal my body, these doctor visit's for post miscarriage are taking it's toll.  They are necessary for my overall well being, given into account that my body is fragile and my health is a big factor.  So when i go on these visits, I am much like a Zombie. I avoid any visual or physical contact with mommies and their newborns to shield my heart and I always, always, always have head phones on so that I do not accidentally hear the sound of a baby's heart beat as I pass from one room to the next.  You won't believe how thin the walls are in the office. 

Overall, Ive kept myself together this time around.


Last night, as I watched the movie "Heaven is For Real" I felt a guilt in my heart for not naming my angel. For those of you who have seen the movie, you'll know which scene I am referring to and for those of you haven't - go watch it. It's a must see!  I don't want my angel to be in heaven nameless. So tonight, along with my husband, we will name this angel of ours. 

Update: we named our second angel - Adelina